Month: February 2020

I feel like I have been self analyzing myself a lot lately and have been searching for some things to work on. One of the main things I come back to is my inability to commit myself to a person. I struggle to let people into my world and talk about how I am feeling or what is important to me. I don’t really share what scares me with anyone or accept help to carry the burden when things get tough. People seem to enter my life and want to get closer to me yet I find myself keeping a buffer between us, saying things like “I can’t I have work” or “Maybe next time”. And then I move onto the next person. Its really interesting I only have a couple people in this world that truly know me and that I trust whole heartedly. It seems like it takes quite a lot for me to put someone in that zone of trust.

After looking back I think the problem stems from a couple of places. Bullying early on definitely toughened me up and hardened my emotions so I didn’t let them show when something was bothering me. I often try to take the stoic approach to things, letting life’s events wash around me like oncoming waves. I also think that I have an issue with trust, some early childhood friends betraying trust definitely made an impact, but more so i think the problem comes from a past relationship. I definitely have trouble trusting romantic attachment after being cheated on. And I still see it effect the way I approach new partners. I don’t often share how I feel about things, I am a very good listener and well equipped to help anyone through a tough time. But when it comes to sharing my own emotions I am a box with several locks on it.

In a way though I value this lack of trust it means that only really good people get to see the real me and know what makes me tick. But I also question whether the walls I put up are keeping just as good and beneficial people out of my life.

Its a hard line to walk between what is too much and what is too little. I think sometimes I need to just ante up and put my cards back out on the table instead of playing it safe. I mean how will I ever get to feel all the amazing things life has in store for me if i keep it close to the chest. My goal should be to try and make more connections, I should let some of the walls down at least for a little. I don’t need to let everyone in just try putting myself out there a little more. I think this is something a lot of people need work on as well. I mean look at our generations approach to dating and meeting people, we all kinda have walls up and easily move to new people when someone tries and gets to close.

This is a question I have been mulling around in my head after talking with one of my professors. She was quite passionate that only a few people should earn A’s and that there should be a system in grading that doesn’t allow for everyone to get an A. I struggle with this on one hand it is important to know that the grades were earned through hard work and strong performance, but I also don’t understand a system where many people are not able to get full marks.

I also look at some of the classes I have taken in the past and there attendance policies. One of my favorite classes did not require any attendance and coming to class was totally optional. What I found was that at the end of the semester there was a small group of 10 people who consistently showed up and had gotten something out of the course. The problem arose when a girl complained that those who didn’t come should be penalized. I completely hated the idea, because the class was PHIL102 the study of existentialism. Which looks at the meaning of life and discovering meaning. So I asked if this class is about discovering meaning and you have found a meaning that doesn’t allow you to be in class then why should this reflect negatively on your grade. I personally had used the class on a few occasions to go on a hike instead of going to class, reflecting on the stuff I had read and getting some journaling done. I just can’t understand how it would be so important to some one that attendance of others takes away from a grade. If you can get an A without going to a single class I think you deserve and A.

People today get so caught up about grades and numbers and how they reflect on them, rather then the knowledge they gained or the skill set they improved. I see this so much in the honors college, where I am surrounded by some of the smartest people at campus. All around me I hear people worrying about a 92 or an 89 and how they will never get into med school now. It seems like they are unwilling to disregard the grade and realize how much they actually have succeeded.

To me college shouldn’t be about proving your better then the rest to get an A. Or about attending classes just for a grade. I hate the concept of grades in general but understand why they are necessary. I committed to myself when I came her that all I would focus on was learning and getting better for the future and this has lead me to success. I am way less stressed and actually achieving better grades then I ever have. I found that if the reasons for me learning the material was stronger then just getting a grade I would actually get more done with less noticeable effort.

Some questions friends, family members and peers have asked me about my philosophy major.

Why Philosophy?

What will you do with that major?

Isn’t Philosophy a thing that old people do?

First off, asking why do philosophy is the exact reason why philosophy is needed. Questions, answers and meanings are central to consciousness and coming to terms with reality. Asking a conscious mind why do philosophy is similar to asking a fish why they swim. To have the ability to self actualize and reflect on our own thoughts without doing so would be the most egregious of acts. Philosophy is in every thing we do, it can analyze the smallest of particles to the largest of universes. Asking “Why Philosophy?” is one of the biggest questions we have yet to answer. Why should I do anything? Why shouldn’t I do everything? Does It meaning this reality actually exist or matter? You see by just asking one question you have already found the answer you were looking for.

I didn’t choose a philosophy major for a job. Yes it may help me get into law school, but the real world applications and reasons why I want to do philosophy out weigh any job or sum of cash. To me philosophy offers something that is more useful then general mastery of a subject or a way to show how intelligent I am. When I leave Penn state I hope that above all, my study of philosophy has made me wiser for it. Doing philosophy makes me look at the world in new and exciting ways. I take time and relish in the good moments and know that the bad ones have meaning in them. To me philosophy could be akin to someones devotion to a religion. But unlike with a deity you are devoted to yourself and your own meaning. I think one can’t chase wisdom, you can’t study how to be wise, or take a test to prove that you are. No degree will tell me that I am wise or prove to anyone else that I understand the happenings of the world. But what philosophy has taught me is that introspection and analyzation of the reality we live in is the easiest way to gain so called “wisdom”.

I believe that everyone should be doing philosophy, at least in some small way. Everyone should take time to self reflect and ask themselves why. Philosophy isn’t something that needs to be done by the elite everyone can do it. I feel like people hold philosophers to some high standard, but truly anyone who takes the time to look at the world and truly try to understand how and why it works can do philosophy. Hopefully this answers those three questions that I have been asked on many occasions. I would also like to add that talking down about anyones major is the lowest of blows and doesn’t take into consideration their goals and pillars of what their version of a successful life is. We need to stop judging each other for the things we are passionate about.