I could barely hear the sound of the music over the sound of my heart beating out of my chest. I could feel my palms start to sweat and my stomach start to flip. It was the summer after my junior year of high school. I was invited to attend the National Student Leadership Conference at Georgetown University. In addition to exploring more about my interest in law, this conference was designed to teach important leadership skills. On the last day of the conference, everyone was brought together for our final leadership session. We had no idea what to expect. When we walked into the room, there were sets of chairs on each side of the room with a sort of runway down the middle. We soon found out that this runway was for us. We each had to do a dance move down the runway in front of the whole room while they cheered for us.
This absolutely terrified me. This was not something I would ever in a million years volunteer to do. My mind was racing trying to figure out ways to get out of doing a dance but I could not come up with anything. So, as it was getting closer and closer to my turn, I finally settled on my dance: the disco move. And I walked up to the start of the runway with what felt like a million eyes staring at me. I don’t quite remember how my dance went, all I remember is the immense amount of relief I felt when it was finally over and it was someone else’s turn to dance.
This experience was something I will never forget, partly because of how terrified I was, and partly because it changed my perspective on life. I believe that you grow the most as a person when you are forced out of your comfort zone.
When I started high school I was not a very outgoing person. I preferred to keep to myself and just talk to my group of friends. I didn’t raise my hand to answer questions in class. I wasn’t the person who could talk to anyone. I was shy until I got to really know someone. When I was invited to this leadership conference, I thought it would be the perfect opportunity for me to get out of my shell and meet new people. Little did I know how true that would become. When I made it through my dance I felt like I grew immensely as a person. I became more willing to get out of my comfort zone and try new things because I knew it would make me a stronger and more confident person.
When I was faced with one of the biggest decisions of my life, choosing which college to go to, I had two options. I had the option of going to a school close to home. Where I would know lots of people, know the area, and be able to go home whenever I wanted. And then I had the option of going to Penn State. Seven hours away from home with nobody I knew and a place I had never been to before. But I believed that I would grow and benefit the most by choosing the place that would get me out of my comfort zone, Penn State. And it was a great decision. I have grown incredibly more independent, met amazing new friends, and have learned so much about myself in just my first semester.
This is why I believe that being forced outside of your comfort zone helps you to become more confident and learn things about yourself that ultimately help you grow into the best version of yourself you can be.
1. I think the conflict is evident in your piece: your internal between staying inside your comfort zone or branching out. I like you you connected this conflict between your time at NSLC and your decision on where to go to college.
2. The arrangement was well done. I felt that each aspect tied into the next and so on.
3. In terms of chracterization, I would like to know more about you and your personality. Why was it so difficult to dance down that runway?
4. You did an excellent job of explaining how your belief worked with the two stories that you told. I think it also made a lot of sense to me because I was in the exact same situation when I attended NSLC at Georgetown and performed the same dance activity that you did.
5. In order to engage with the sense more, you could be more diverse in your language. In your essay, on the section where you talk about your high school experience, you repeat the word “was.” More descriptive verbs could help enhance your story. For example, when talking about how you were shy, you could say that your hands trembled or your heart beat faster, or something along those lines to make the audience more deeply understand how you were feeling.
6. You started off strong describing how you were feeling in the moment when you had to dance down the runway which is great. I think you could move things around and describe the entirety of that scenario, and then tell the audience about how you were at Georgetown for NSLC and those details. You go from in the moment, to describing the whole experience, and back to describing the moment. I think you should give all the details of the moment first.
The conflict is clear, I agree with Maddie on that. Stepping out of the comfort zone is something not too cliche but very relatable for everyone to read – it’s a great topic.
The arrangement is clear and well ordered.
You can definitely go in depth more into why/how you were so uncomfortable and shy before NSLC. Maybe give some examples or character evidence on that.
The belief matches up with the story perfectly, it’s clear and concise.
I think to “engage the senses more” will come hand-in-hand with you providing more character details and specifying more about your inner thoughts, for example: your mind racing when you heard the instructions about dancing on the runway. Things like that will be very engaging.