If you’ve ever taken any sort of biology class before, whether that be a high school-level introductory course or an honors college lecture, you’ve probably heard of the term “asexual” before. The biological definition is probably somewhere along the lines of asexual reproduction, meaning that a single parent can reproduce without the help of another parent. However, what does someone mean when they say they’re asexual? Obviously, people cannot reproduce on their own, right? Well, when someone comes out as asexual, they normally mean they experience little to no sexual attraction.
It’s important to remember that asexuality, like many identities, also exists on a spectrum. People who identify as asexual could experience no sexual attraction, but still be willing to have sex if their partner wants to, or they could experience sexual attraction but not wish to engage for any variety of reasons. It’s not always an absolute either; some people may have slight sexual attraction, such as greysexuals who experience sexual attraction but to a minor degree, or demisexuals who only experience sexual attraction after forming a close bond with someone; so one-night stands are out of the question, basically. Additionally, some people who identify as asexual may just simply prefer if other people don’t engage with them; many people experience sexual attraction but prefer to “deal with it themselves” if you know what I mean.
Aromantics, similarly are people that experience little to no romantic attraction; this identity is one you might not have heard of as much, considering it has no biological relevance. Like asexuality, aromance can be used as an exact identity or an umbrella term. There are people who identify as greyromantic, meaning they feel romantic attraction to a minor degree, as well as demiromantic people who only experience romantic attraction after a strong, emotional bond is formed.
It is also important to remember that asexuality and aromance are two separate things! People can experience romantic attraction without experiencing sexual attraction, and vice versa! That being said, however, it is not uncommon for them to go hand-in-hand! Many people identify as both aroace in its entirety, or somewhere along that spectrum. Additionally, not everyone experiences sexual and romantic attraction in the same way, or towards the same people. People can be sexually attracted towards one gender, and romantically attracted towards another, or none, etc. An example of this may be someone who, sexually, is only attracted to people of the same sex, but are willing to date anyone; this person may identify as homosexual (sexual attraction) panromantic (romantic attraction). Or, someone may only be panromantic, or only be homosexual, etc etc.!
Asexuality and aromance are also commonly a bit of a “touchy” subject with queer people because a lot of queer people think they don’t need a place in the LGBTQ+ community or spaces; this being because someone can identify as asexual, but romantically be only attracted to people of the opposite sex. So many people feel as though “straight” people are forcing themselves into the community and trying to make queer spaces unsafe. However, I personally believe that being “queer” just means that you experience attraction and/or identify in some way outside of what is considered “normal” in our heteronormative society. By this definition, aroace people absolutely deserve a place in queer spaces. Additionally, I think that if we focus too hard on labels and who “is or isn’t” queer, we begin to section ourselves off and, instead of building a more inclusive and welcoming world for everyone, we are simply reforming it, which is completely counterproductive.
If we spread more awareness about what it means to be asexual or aromantic, I believe many more people would identify as such and realize they may align with those labels and realize it’s not as “crazy” as the media may make it out to be; however, the most important thing is to remember that what’s important for you is your own sex/dating life; do only what your comfortable with, never try and force yourself to do something you aren’t completely sure about.
As someone who considers herself queer and ace, I first wanted to thank you for writing about a part of the queer community that is often left out! You don’t know how important it is that you wrote this post 🙂 Your information is very well researched but also quite carefully worded in order to handle something as gentle and personal as people’s identities. Aro and ace people often feel like they’re broken, in a way – the things that bind all of humanity together, sex and romance, are not always parts of their lives. By spreading the word about aro and ace people, and doing so in such a kind way, you really are deconstructing the stigmas around asexuality and aromanticism and helping those identities feel a bit more at home within the rainbow. :))
Considering how often these terms are thrown around, I find it refreshing to have each of them properly explained to mitigate any misconceptions of these identities. I also had no idea about any friction between parts of the LGBTQ+ community and aroace people, but it is a fascinating dynamic to learn about. I hope you continue to examine lesser known (or more misunderstood) identities in future posts.
Nice post! I like how you’re bringing awareness to a subject some people don’t know about as much!