Why are we so quick to assume someone has it worse than we do?

“Others have it worse than you.”

“Eat your food, there are children starving in Africa.”

“It can’t be that bad.”

“Get over it. You aren’t the only one.”

“Move on.”

In this world, we constantly try to make ourselves feel better with logic. If we think about it enough, we can normalize our emotions and become a high-functioning, happy member of society. I can think of so many people who have tried to shove down their feelings during traumatic events simply because they did not think it was worth the tears. However, this is wrong. This is more than wrong, it is an alienation of self.

To put it into perspective, assume you were sitting in a hospital bed with a broken leg. The pain is so bad you feel like you can’t breathe. In fact, you can’t think of a time before the pain. Now, what if I were to walk up to you, put a hand on your shoulder and say, “stop crying, there are people out there with two broken legs.” Can you imagine it? No. You can’t, because that is not logical, it is ridiculous. You broke your leg! It is okay to feel the pain, because the pain is completely your own and you are allowed to cry.

So, why can’t we allow ourselves to feel at any other time? Why can’t we allow ourselves to cry? When did it become selfish to be sad?

Why is that when women say “me too” other women, myself included, want to say it too but  we have been telling ourselves it never really happened? Why do we suppress it? Why does he ask why I’m still angry? I can’t answer that.

Why is it that a man who is a high-functioning depressive can’t allow himself to cry because he needs to “be a man”? Why doesn’t he feel anything? I can’t answer that either.

Self-invalidation is a swirl of when’s, how’s, and why’s, but no answers. I don’t have the answers, and it doesn’t seem like professionals have too many answers either. I have spent hours upon hours searching for answers but have come up empty handed. All I have found is that self-invalidation can result in thought suppression, avoidant behavior, and emotional disorders. However, we don’t know why exactly we keep doing it.

Just listen. Listen to people. Be conscious of what you say. Tell them that it is okay. That it is okay to feel this way. Be a shoulder to cry on. You do not have to understand how they feel because that is not what they are looking for, they are just looking for someone to listen. Validate them, don’t push them away.

“Compassion is healing; it’s the treatment for the harm suffered from being treated without compassion.”

-Adelyn Birch

If you can acknowledge your pain, you can recover. You can be stronger. Pain is unique and no one knows your own pain better than yourself. Anyone who tells you otherwise can go step in a warm puddle with socks on.