From your own experience, describe a situation in which you provided a double message. Did you intentionally provide it?
As a people leader for nearly 17 years, I have a phrase I use when someone leaves my team – Once on Team Commale, Always on Team Commale. What this means and the message I share is that I will always be open to continue to coach and support them. I say it verbally and I also write it in their final performance review. As I pondered the reading on a double message, this phrase came to mind for me. Do I truly mean it for each and every person that has reported to me? Ummmm – likely not, but I say it to all of them. I will add, that I do genuinely say this to nearly all of them, but there are a few that I would be happy to release on their career journey and move on. Yet, it is not uncommon, for some of those exact folks to find their way on my calendar for some coaching or mentorship.
One individual that was a part of an accelerated rotational program (high achieving person) came to mind as a strong example as a double message. In all honesty, he drove me nuts. Completely closed to feedback, believed that his first effort was perfect, gave appearances that rules did not apply to him, and he struggled with building trust with others. I had to often deliver constructive feedback to him, which he nearly always dismissed. He was someone that once he moved into a new role, I would have been happy to say “good luck” and say hello in the hall should I see him again. BUT, I told him, Once on Team Commale, Always on Team Commale. Many months went by, and suddenly I received an invite to catch up with him. I accepted, but internally admitted that I was not thrilled to be giving my time and energy to someone that never seemed to value my coaching. He did not send a note or provide any type of agenda, so I immediately thought the worst and went into the time together open for anything.
The day finally came, and I was amazed at the direction the conversation took and admittedly was pleasantly surprised. It turned out that this individual was receiving nearly the same feedback that I was providing and he was suddenly experiencing a bit of an existential crisis from his image of his perfect self. It was quite a session and we had a very serious and heartfelt conversation about growth, learning and embracing the feedback as a gift. It was a very rewarding and moving experience for me, however, I most definitely provided a double message to him, as I did not want him on my team forever.
Because of the above example, I continue to share this message with my team, and I will continue to go into any time with my prior folks with openness and gratitude that they trust me and want to continue to grow from me, even if deep down, perhaps I don’t.