Open relationships: when should you tell a potential partner?

Hello! I am changing my civic life topic from education to identity and will proceed with topics related to identity in all future blog posts. 

This blog post aims to explore the topic of polyamory or “the practice of having multiple intimate relationships, whether sexual or just romantic, with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved” (Polyamory).   In this blog post I am going to refer to polyamorous relationships as ethically non-monogamous, shortened to ENM. Specifically, I want to explore the topic of what is the right time for individuals in ENM relationships to bring it up to potential partners. I was interested in perusing this as my first blog post because I have heard slightly varying experiences from my friends in the community.

Of course, there is no formula or scientific method to love and relationships, it varies from person to person and from experience to experience. So within exploring this topic I’m in no way trying to allude to a system people should follow. I am no expert, that’s why I was interested in looking up what I didn’t know. I am also not polyamorous, my curiosity regarding this subject comes from observing my friends struggles with this question: when should you tell people you’re interested in that  you’re in an open relationship.

One of my friends had a poor experience when she casually brought up her boyfriend during a first date; the guy actually fled the scene. His reaction to this may have come from surprise or reflex but “while we should not conflate being polyamorous with being queer or a person of color, it’s true that polyamory is a misunderstood and stigmatized relationship style” (Mogilevsky).

A manager at one of my jobs has been in the community for years, and was clear on her belief that people should know before you meet with them for any kind of date. One of my good friends has been in an ENM relationship for around a year and told me they would probably tell someone before going out with them, and would definitely tell before a second date. Does this conflict with people being able to separate who they are VS their identity as a polyamorous person? Would it reduce the amount of people interested in perusing a relationship with them? Would it be more beneficial for your date to get to know you for a bit before you tell them about your lifestyle?

Is there a clear line in the community? I took to the internet for answers.

In the first article I found on self.com, the author stated that a rule her and her partner have in their ENM relationship is that they must obtain consent from the person who is getting involved (Fischel). They did not however, disclose when the consent needed to be obtained, or how soon into the new relationship the informtation was brought up.

The second article I found advised to tell your date early on in the evening, and before you get sexual with them (When and How Should I Tell My Date I’m Polyamorous). This article brought up one of best framing points I found which is that outside of polyamorous subcultures, there is a default assumption of monogamy. I would agree that most people who are not around or within a ENM community are probably not sitting across from their date, eating dim sum, and wondering whether or not their date is currently in a committed relationship(s). So if we do have a default assumption of monogamy, should we ask people what their relationship structure is before perusing them? Would this put too much of a focus on a part of their identity, rather than seeing them as a whole?

A Psychology Today article reccomends first trying to date within polyamorous circles (Sheff). This makes sense. But what if you don’t have a large community in your area? Sheff suggests dating apps and websites and also to “be on the lookout for an opportunity or find a way to casually bring up consensual non-monogamy, and ask if the person has ever heard of it and what they think about it.” These recommendation are a system to first gauge the response your potential partner may have before perusing them.

I feel like I learned a lot from reasearching this topic, though the answer was as I expected: it depends. Identity is fluid, that’s one of the reasons I decided to switch my civic life topic, the fluidity of identify is fascinating to me. Though even for people who, life myself, are not in ENM relationships, I find importance in being educated in this topic.

Works Cited

“Polyamory.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/polyamory.

Mogilevsky, Miri. “15 Comments Polyamorous People Are Tired of Getting.” Everyday Feminism, 20 Oct. 2015, everydayfeminism.com/2015/10/comments-polyamorous-ppl/.

Fischel, Valerie. “8 Questions People Ask Me When They Find Out I’m in an Open Relationship.” SELF, SELF, 20 Nov. 2017, www.self.com/story/open-relationship-stories-rules-questions-people-ask-me.

“When And How Should I Tell My Date I’m Polyamorous?” Bay Area Relationship Center, 12 June 2017, bayarearelationshipcenter.com/when-and-how-should-i-tell-my-date-im-polyamorous/.

Sheff, Elizabeth. “Seven Steps For Coming Out to a (Potential) Sweetie as Poly.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 2015, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201506/seven-steps-coming-out-potential-sweetie-poly.