For the first time since I got to Penn State, I couldn’t think of a single catastrophic event from this week. I was at a loss for a blog topic.
You’d think that means I had a great week. Nothing went majorly wrong, so I should be content, right?
That’s what I thought. But I found out that a lack of things gone wrong doesn’t necessarily correlate to a positive mental state.
I’m dealing with burnout. Extreme burnout.
Last week was rough. I had two midterms, a paper due, and I had to go to practice for the equestrian team. I was working until one in the morning, and I felt like I was drowning in homework no matter how many assignments I turned in. I didn’t even have time to wash my hair.
I got through last week (it’s still to be determined if my GPA got through last week – we’ll see). I thought this week would be better because I had so much less work to do, but it hasn’t been.
Every time I sit down and try to focus on an assignment, it feels like my brain shuts down. I can stare at a blank google doc for an hour, but it feels like only two minutes have gone by. I space out and think of nothing, yet I never get bored.
I have never been a person that struggles to get work done, and discipline is one of my highest values. Right now I feel like a lump of unproductive failure. I can’t tell if I reached my limit and deserve a break or if I’m just being weak and lazy.
You may be mentally screaming at me to try taking a break. Maybe I’ll feel better if I just take some time to myself, right?
I tried. I don’t feel better when I stop to watch Netflix or read a book. I don’t want to do my work, but when I’m not working (or trying to work), I feel guilty for doing nothing. The guilt I feel when I’m taking a break makes me more miserable than trying to work, so I might as well keep staring at that blank google doc that’s supposed to be my paradigm shift paper.
My low, defined in one sentence: doing anything productive is like walking through quicksand. I feel like I’m sinking. I’m a gas tank that is being siphoned, but never refilled. The water is rising around me, but I can’t swim to the surface. It feels like it will never end.
Honestly, I just want to go home to my mom. I want to sleep in my own bed, eat real food, and take a real shower. I don’t want to have three essays due on the same day, and I don’t want to spend every spare moment studying. I need to get out of this academic environment, just for a little while.
I don’t mind the grind – this isn’t me saying I’m always miserable in college. Until these last two weeks, I’ve been totally fine. I’ve been loving the work and the intellectual atmosphere of Penn State. But at this point in the semester, after my grueling midterms, I really think I need a break. A true break, not just a TikTok break.
This is a reminder that if you’re feeling burnt out, you’re not alone. We’re all feeling the stress of the semester, but we have two more weeks of pushing through, then we can all have some much needed rest, relaxation, and turkey.
My high is that it’s been so nice out. I haven’t been freezing, which is pretty much the only thing that’s motivating me to go to class.
This is the exact way I’ve felt all week. It is torture to do any more homework but when I’m doing anything else all I am worried about is how I am going to get everything done. The thing about the cold is true. It is so much easier to make yourself get out of bed and go to class when you know you aren’t going to freezing for your whole walk there.
This week has been a crazy week for me, and I totally understand where you are coming from. The comment about just wanting to go home and see your mom was extremely relatable and a little funny. Hopefully, it gets better. If not, we have fall break coming up!!
I could not relate more, the last few weeks before Thanksgiving break burnout is rough. I’m with you, just trying to power along and just get the work done. But just think, we are so close to a nice big break!!
This post resonates with me on a number of levels. I have been feeling burnout for about a week now and it seems to be getting worse. We are getting towards the stretch run of the semester, but that also seems to be the busiest time for everything. All of my classes have some big project due all at once and they seem to overlap at every given moment. Even when I have time to spare, I feel guilty because there is always something else to do. Worst of all I feel terrible for relaxing when my roommate is doing work because I just feel like I’m rubbing it in. Burnout is real and I am feeling it quite a lot these days.
Meditate! I feel ya. For me adding cold and lack of sunlight is a major neurotic creates even a stronger discourse of action. I am not a therapist, though sometimes creating something instead of observing something helps the mind rest. For example, meal prep, painting/drawing, and writing engage the mind creating alpha waves to produce as opposed to the simple beta waves in observation of movies or even reading what others have designed. Again, I am not a therapist, or even as intelligent as you are. Just ideas 😀
I still love this diary like blog. It is a great way to reflect on yourself. I would say that, if you’re looking for advice from someone who already survived freshman year, you should take some time away from the screen. TikTok and TV may not help your mind reset, and reading may be exhausting for your eyes. Go outside or go hang with friends. That’s what got me through my work load last year. You got this!
Reading this during the final stretch of this semester is extremely relatable. I feel like I can’t even go on my phone at the end of the day because my eyes are so sore from reading and looking at my computer all day. I’ve experiences this type of workload and stress in High School, but it still feels so intense here- if not, more.