This is going to be another diary blog post, because again, this week hasn’t really had a low. 

Honestly though, it’s also a diary blog post because last week’s blog was really cathartic for me, and I need that right now. 

Today, I’m going to talk about another feeling that’s been a prevailing “low:” perfectionism.

I am a perfectionist. If I had to name my fatal flaw, it would be that. I won’t let myself stop working until I fall asleep at my computer. Even if I’ve finished all of my work for the given week, or the given day, I move on to stuff that’s not immediately due but could still be done. Even if I feel prepared for a test, I won’t stop studying until it hits 10:45 pm (my self-implemented “stop time”). Even if an essay is done, I keep rereading it, even if I only change one or two words. 

That mentality of never stopping, of nothing ever being “enough,” has served me pretty well. I did well in high school, and I’m doing decently in most of my college classes (still haven’t gotten my econ midterm grade though – I know that did not go well). 

But I would like to pose a question: how do I know if I have done enough? 

When I’m working on a major assignment, like a paper, I feel like it’s never good enough. I spend way too much time reading and rereading, fretting over a sentence that doesn’t sound quite right, and repetitively checking the rubric to make sure I’ve met all of the criteria. My obsessiveness goes beyond making sure I am turning in a high quality assignment. I refuse to feel satisfied when I have put in sufficient effort. I am only satisfied when I am absolutely, 100% certain that my work is going to receive a perfect grade. Therein lies the problem.

It never happens. I will never be positive that I’m going to do well, because the only person who can control my grade is the professor. Therefore, I experience extreme anxiety every time something is due. Even if I have completed the assignment, and even if I know I completed it to the best of my ability, I stress and stress until I get the grade back.

It’s the same thing with tests. Whenever I’m studying, I won’t let myself stop until I am absolutely, 100% confident that I will know every answer on the test. That is quite literally never going to happen.

Part of me wants to keep working and working until I’m sure everything will be perfect.

But part of me also doesn’t want to do anything.

I think my perfectionism is one of the main things contributing to the burnout that I talked about in my last post. 

My burnout is screaming at me to stop, but my perfectionism is screaming at me to keep going. What one side of me wants, the other side thinks is wrong.

So you see, I’m trapped in this endless cycle of feeling bad. I feel burnt-out when I’m working, but I feel guilty when I’m not working. It all comes down to perfectionism and burnout. 

Honestly, I’m burnt out of being a perfectionist. 

I thought this diary post was a needed sequel to last week’s edition, because it kind of explains the other half of my thinking.

My high: a nice girl gave me a rainbow band-aid in the forum building today. I somehow managed to cut my finger on the door as I was leaving the bio-behavioral health building. I had to walk all the way to forum with blood dripping down my finger, but I met a girl in the bathroom who told me she had band-aids. She was so nice, and it really made my day (for no reason) when she asked me if I wanted a band-aid. Usually, bathroom people are not that friendly when you mention that your finger is bleeding.