How did you start your new year? Did you have a new years resolution? Did you go out to the bars? Did you sit in and play games with your friends and family? How about a family dinner?

I began my new year like all other ones, at work. I work as a manager at McDonald’s back home, and it’s convenient in getting a yearly scholarship for college. However, as I have talked about in the past on my blog, I had been struggling with my mental health for the entire month of December.

On New Years Day I was scheduled to work 2-10, a shift I really despise because it takes up most of the day. I carried on though, making specialty drinks, cleaning various machines in between orders, and helping hand out the food. However, my thoughts were racing, my irritation was building, and honestly I woke up that day hoping I would never wake up again.

No no no, it wasn’t because I had to work. I was spiraling long before 2 o’ clock. I had been spiraling all year (c’mon I have to throw in a pun with such a depressing topic).

On my break I slammed the office door and tried to scarf down my meal. Suddenly I realized that I did not want any of it. I didn’t even want air. So what did I do? I brought my best friend, who was conveniently scheduled the same time as I was, and told her I needed help. She checked labor, which happened to be high, and sent both of us home. I sobbed the whole ten minutes it took for her to drive me home. I got a shower, packed a bag, and then I gave her a hug goodbye. My mother then drove me to the hospital, where I voluntarily admitted myself to the psychiatric floor.

What was it like in there? Boring. I was given sedatives, so luckily I got to sleep for nearly two days straight and I realized how much I needed the rest. The only time I woke up was for group therapy sessions and for food (which was actually really good, I even looked forward to eating).

The first night I cried myself to sleep because I felt the loneliness of the world pressing down on the light sheets I was covering up with. I felt everything all at once.

All the pain I had put off feeling while I kept myself busy. I knew I had to beat this, but how? 

The hardest part was the daily wake-up call for blood-work and vitals. There is a good ending to this story, I promise, but if I skipped the gory details, the story would be incomplete.

I made a few friends in there, who I will call Jamie and Alex to maintain privacy. Jamie and I still talk, she was a great listener and really made a difference in my recovery. Alex helped by sharing experiences that were similar to mine. Everyone all around wanted each other to get better, and it was thrilling when someone got the good news that they were being discharged. Even though I was unhappy with the atmosphere, I quickly realized how much I felt better. It’s funny how a few days of sleep and correct medication can improve your mental well-being.

I learned a lot about myself, the third day I read all day. I missed having me-time. I had a diary, I wrote down my feelings, and I also connected with others who were experiencing the same struggles as I had.

I also finally got my diagnosis, and it is being treated with care, but that begs the question…

Why am I sharing this with you? 

I’ll tell you why, this year I needed to come to terms with one thing. Sometimes what you want is not necessarily what you need, and sometimes what you need is not too far away. You just have to reach out and ask for help sometimes. I felt lonely, scared. You just have to speak up and understand that in this seemingly blank world, there are millions of opportunities for you to achieve bliss.

And I’ve finally found it. I am the happiest I’ve ever been, the brightest. I am ready for this New Year, and I hope you are too. Let’s take it on together, because loneliness is only a mirage.

Stay Strong guys, you can do it. We can do it.