Writing Concisely
Audience benefits and the “you” view:
1. To avoid suffering the kinds of monetary losses we have experienced in the past, our credit union prohibits the cashing of third-party checks presented by our members.
You will be glad to see that the monetary losses we have experienced in the past to be avoided as long as we prohibit presenting the cashing of third-party checks.
2. I give my permission for you to attend the two-day workshop.
You have luckily gotten the chance to attend the two-day workshop.
3. We are pleased to announce that you have been approved to enroll in our management trainee program.
You must be pleased to hear that you are approved to enroll in our management trainee program.
Conversational, professional tone:
4. Under separate cover the above-referenced items (printer toner and supplies) are being sent to your Oakdale office, as per your telephone conversation of April 1.
As you requested in the phone call on April 1, we have sent printer toner and supplies under separate cover to your Oakdale office.
5. Kindly inform the undersigned whether or not your representative will be making a visitation in the near future.
Please tell me whether or not your representative will make a visit within this month.
Positive and courteous expression:
6. Customers are ineligible for the 10 percent discount unless they show their membership cards.
Customers could get 10 percent discount once they show their membership cards.
7. We must withhold remuneration until you complete the job satisfactorily.
We will give remuneration as soon as you complete the job satisfactorily.
8. Construction cannot begin until the building plans are approved.
Once the building plans are approved, construction can be begun immediately.
9. We can’t process your application because you neglected to insert your telephone number.
Would you mind to insert your telephone number then we can process your application.
Inclusive language:
10. Every employee is entitled to see his personnel file.
Every employee is entitled to see his or her personnel file.
11. Any applicant for the position of fireman must submit a medical report signed by his physician.
Any applicant for the position of fire fighter must submit a medical report signed by his or her physician.
12. All conference participants and their wives are invited to the banquet.
All conference participants and their spouses are invited to the banquet.
Plain English and familiar words:
13. Please ascertain whether we must perpetuate our current contract despite perplexing profits.
Please make sure whether we must keep using our current contract despite confusing profits.
14. He hypothesized that the vehicle was not operational because of a malfunctioning gasket.
He assumed that the vehicle was not working because a gasket is broken.
Active and passive voice: (change the sentences to the active voice)
15. A company credit card was used by the manager to purchase office supplies.
Manager uses the company credit card to purchase office supplies.
16. Checks are processed more quickly by banks because of new regulations.
Banks process checks more quickly due to new regulations.
17. To protect students, laws were passed in many states that prohibited the use of social security numbers as identification.
To protect students, many states pass the laws that prohibit the use of social security numbers as identification.
18. Millions of packages are scanned by FedEx every night as packages stream through its Memphis hub.
FedEx scan millions of packages every night as packages stream through its Memphis hub.
Parallelism:
19. To improve your listening skills, you should stop talking, your surroundings should be controlled, be listening for main points, and an open mind must be kept.
To improve your listening skills, you should stop talking, control your surroundings, listen for main points, and keep an open mind.
20. Paula Day, director of the Okefenokee branch, will now supervise all Eastern division operations; the Western Division will be supervised by our Oroville branch director, Reggie Kostiz.
Paula Day, director of the Okefenokee branch, will now supervise all Eastern division operations; which Reggie Kostiz, director of the Oroville branch, will now supervise all Western division operations.
21. We need more trained staff members, office space is limited, and the budget for overtime is much too small.
We need more trained staff members, more office space and more budget for overtime.
22. The application for a grant asks for this information: funds required for employee salaries, how much we expect to spend on equipment, and what is the length of the project.
The application for a grant asks for this information: funds required for employee salaries, spending on equipment, and the length of the project.
Dangling and misplaced modifiers: (revise to fix the modifiers)
23. Identification passes must be worn at all times in offices and production facilities showing the employee’s picture.
Identification passes showing the employee’s picture must be worn at all times in offices and production facilities.
24. After being in the refrigerator for a week, Rachel said the salad tasted strange.
After being in the refrigerator for a week, the salad tasted strange.
25. Using two search engines, the Web site was finally located.
Using two search engines, he finally locates the Web site.
Reflection:
It is an assignment from my ENGL 202D course. It was used for practice grammars in Business field.
I think it makes sense for every one in the workplace.