Compulsory heterosexuality… Maybe you’ve heard of it, but maybe you haven’t. More people have been talking about it in recent years, and it’s an important concept to acknowledge, so I figured it could find its place in this week’s post.
So, what is it? Compulsory heterosexuality (or colloquially, comphet) is the idea that we have to be straight, imposed on us by society. As we grow up, we aren’t even aware there are any other options of how to be, due to the lessons we’re taught from a young age and the overwhelming amount of heteronormativity portrayed in the media that we consume. I’d like to give a quick shout-out to my source for this information: the famous lesbian masterdoc. :3
While compulsory heterosexuality affects people of all genders, it has been studied as primarily impacting women due to connections to misogyny that cause women to be defined by their relationships with men. With continuous messages about how women need to be for the benefit of men, constant exposure to heteronormative relationships, and a lack of knowledge about the LGBTQIA+ community growing up, it is incredibly hard for people (especially women) to distinguish between what society says they should want, and what they truly want for themselves.
Think about all of the movies you watched as a kid. Chances are, you’ve probably seen a great number of Disney films, in which all we see are relationships between a man and a woman, emphasizing both heteronormativity and cisnormativity. You can imagine how confusing this must be for queer and genderqueer children, or perhaps you know first-hand. Growing up, the closest we got to queer representation from Disney was the queer-coded villains we saw in most of their movies. Of course, in highlighting negative stereotypes, all this did was hurt our perception of people belonging to the LGBTQIA+ community, steering us even closer toward accepting heterosexuality as the only correct way to be.
All of this makes it hard enough for queer people to understand themselves and their identities, but because we only see straight relationships between a man and a woman, it becomes monumentally harder to understand yourself when you don’t fit into one of the binary genders. This is especially true because of how deeply gender norms are ingrained in us, with expectations attached to our identities before we’re even born.
Our culture makes it incredibly hard to figure out (or even learn much at all about) our identities in the beginning portion of our lives, to the point where we’re still trying to figure out who we really are as we approach adulthood. I want you to feel completely valid if you’re still confused or unsure about your identity. I mean, I’m right there with you, along with so many others. Make sure to place significance on growing to find comfort and acceptance with yourself, but as always, there’s no rush.
Wherever you are on your journey of self-discovery is good enough! Remember that all of this is for you, and you alone, so do what’s best for you. You’re doing great, and I’m proud of you.
With love,
PJ <3
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