I think it’s about time for me to share some details from my own experiences with identity and trying to figure out my gender and sexuality. It might help you to hear what a very non-cishet person’s journey of self discovery has been like.
First on the list are a couple of signs from my past that I was in denial about being queer and genderqueer at the beginning of high school. I remember liking this navy sweatshirt that had rainbow stripes down the sleeves, but being hesitant to buy it and wear it, scared that people would perceive me as gay (*sigh* maybe because I was gay, but not accepting of it yet).
Also, I remember this one day where I was running with a girl from my sports team during practice, and she asked me if I was lesbian. My first instinct was to get defensive and immediately deny it, but when she followed up by asking if I was straight, I did admit to the fact that I didn’t know (which was a step in the right direction). This actually played a huge part in me starting to put more thought into my identity and trying to figure out who I am. If only I was more accepting and less afraid of admitting to myself and others I was queer back then, because I was aware that I was kind of in love with this girl, and I’m pretty certain she liked me too (big sad that I missed this opportunity).
Looking back, I’m also now aware that all of my “crushes” were just made up. When all of the girls were obsessed with boys in elementary school, I did in fact choose a boy to be in love with, who was unfortunately my third choice because my first two were already taken (smh). And then through my years of school, I continued to just pick boys to have crushes on, not realizing that this wasn’t what everybody else was doing. I think my first actual crush was the girl I just talked about in the paragraph above (brb, still crying about that).
Before I even started really questioning my gender and while I was quite content with being a girl, I distinctly remember this very specific time that I looked in the mirror and felt like a boy. I didn’t necessarily look very masculine, but I felt like a guy, and it felt good. I took a photo of course to remember it (see above), and I guess it worked. Reflecting on my thoughts and feelings from the past, I’m now able to identify the overwhelming gender dysphoria I would often feel for what it was (and still is). On many occasions, I felt awful about all of the things that made me female (I’m still not sure how much of this is related to my gender and how much could be related to possibly being somewhat asexual, but I’m pretty sure it’s a combination of the two).
Since being at college, I have come to be generally content with identifying as genderfluid and using they/he/she pronouns depending on the day, since I feel like my gender fluctuates often (they is always a safe bet for me, so feel free to use that if you’re unsure). Let me also take a moment to rant about the struggles of being genderfluid. First, if I’m going on a trip, how am I supposed to know what clothes to pack if I don’t know what gender I’ll be feeling each day?? Then I end up packing like double what a cisgender person would need just to be safe. Also, I’m flabbergasted (and admittedly somewhat jealous) by the fact that cis people can pick out their outfits for the next day the night before. But I wake up and have to just stand there and vibe check my gender real quick, before trying on different clothes and seeing what feels right, and then putting on my pronoun bracelets based on however I’m feeling that morning. Sometimes I don’t even have the energy in the morning to figure out the gender I’m feeling, so I go bracelet-less pretty often. I’ll work on that.
Sexuality wise, I haven’t gotten much further than queer as a label. I feel like I’m some combination of lebian, bisexual, and asexual (homosexual biromantic???), but I have no clue lol. Gender just makes all of that much more complicated to figure out. For example, when I’m potentially attracted to a man, I have no idea if it’s in a hetero or homo way. Or is that just compulsory heterosexuality? Or do I just think they look nice? Yeahhh, swag. B)
While I’m definitely not officially out about any of this at home (I mean, my family can probably tell I’m at least one of the letters in the alphabet mafia lol), I have come to be very open about everything here. So much so, in fact, that I have written many posts in this blog that I was initially afraid to center around identity at all, and I gave a whole Ted Talk (while wearing a suit as seen below) about my experimentation with identity and expression during quarantine as I learned a lot about my gender and sexuality. As I’ve been working to help you figure things out and grow more accepting of yourself, I think all of this has helped me do the same.
If you’re struggling, confidence and acceptance will come with time. I can certainly say that this has been true for myself. As always, you’re doing the best you can, and I’m proud of you.
With love,
PJ <3
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