Two times a year. Even though I only got to see you two times every year, you somehow managed to glue inspiration into me. I remember putting on the best performances of my life in front of you, my feet arching into the perfect point, showing you every ballet move I had learned since we saw each other last. The language barrier made things challenging but my love for Spanish was sparked because of it, I would point to all the colors and proudly state the Spanish name grasping for recognition of my growth, I wonder if you would be proud of me now, If you were still here I could talk to you without any sort of interpretation.
It was the time of year when the snow had just vanished and the sun was starting to warm up. My mom and dad brought my sister and I to a local coffee shop, grabbed some hot chocolate, sat us down on the outdoor patio and explained to us what had happened that the cancer invaded your lungs and defeated you in the battle, that you were now looking over us from the clouds. My instant reaction was not grief or sadness but that of worry. “Does that mean we aren’t Mexican anymore” I asked my mom. My eight year old self never experienced death before so how would I know how it would work. My mom tried to hold back her laughter and made me rethink my whole life, my whole identity when she answered, “Honey, you were never Mexican, Papa is your dad’s stepdad meaning that they do not share blood”. My mind began to race, my whole life I would proudly tell my teachers, my friends, my peers that I was something I was not. It made sense to me, my dad and sister’s complexions had the dark glow of caramel and eyes so dark like rich colors of tree bark, it just made sense. Not only did I find out that day that I had lost my papa, but also the identity I lived by was a lie and that I was actually Native American.
It took me a while to accept that part of me, at first it was because the textbooks at school would call us “savages” and blame my ancestors for “holding back colonizers from creating America” I was scared of who I was, but as time passed and my innocence slowly started to disintegrate, my hesitancy towards my culture evolved to I am not 100% Native so I can’t claim that as my identity. I battled the blood that pumped my heart for years, was I good enough? The thought of my blood grandpa living out there somewhere in the world and not wanting anything to do with me shredded me to pieces, made me hate that part of me even more. It wasn’t until my senior year of high school when I decided to do a do a poetry program on my culture for competitive speech that I realized, this is a part of who I am, It does not matter how much blood I have or that my relative that links me to this identity is a ghost in my life. I realized that I believe that blood has no value when it comes to identity. Whether that be me identifying myself to my papa because I looked up to him and wanted to be like him even though our bloods didn’t mix, or that I am not 100% native but I still have blood that rushes through me and that still counts. If I want these things to make up who I am, and fulfill my identity, I’m going to proudly open the gates to it because I do not need to let blood define who I am.
1.Identify the conflict of this piece. If you think the conflict needs work, offer suggestions.
I think the dancing gets lost just a little bit. The connection isn’t as clear at one point, but it’s a really beautiful and poetic start to the piece.
2. Comment on the arrangement of the piece. Could the piece be more sensory or engaging if told another way? Think about the beginning, middle, and ending. Comment on how they could be strengthened.
I think the beginning is the only thing that maybe doesn’t connect as well to the middle and end, maybe just adding a couple of sentences that connect the beginning to both the middle and the end.
3. Name some possibilities for deeper characterization. How could the “I” be developed further? Is there more you would like to know about the relationships between “characters”? Were some details “author oriented” instead of “audience oriented”?
I think you did a great job of personalization, so I wouldn’t change anything!
4. Did the belief match up with the story? Offer some advice if you felt the piece moved toward a different conclusion.
The belief did, and I see now that your older self is talking to your younger self and I think the belief of the overall piece does connect well with the beginning middle and end.
5. Suggest ways that the piece could engage the senses more.
I think it engages really well. It makes you feel some of the same emotions as you would if it were your own story.
6. Make a suggestion or two for something the author could move, change, add, or delete.
I would maybe add something specifically that says “Mexican culture” to the beginning to clarify the change in your story a little bit more.
Overall this was really well written and enjoyable to read!
I just want to start out by saying that I thought this piece was really interesting to read!
1. Identify the conflict of this piece. If you think the conflict needs work, offer suggestions.
The main conflict of this piece was your struggle with being told in the past that blood is what defines your identity when it really isn’t.
2. Comment on the arrangement of the piece. Could the piece be more sensory or engaging if told another way? Think about the beginning, middle, and ending. Comment on how they could be strengthened.
I think there is a very clear beginning, middle, and end of this piece. I would suggest maybe making the beginning something that ties a little more directly to the belief or just add a few sentences before mentioning something about identity earlier on.
3. Name some possibilities for deeper characterization. How could the “I” be developed further? Is there more you would like to know about the relationships between “characters”? Were some details “author oriented” instead of “audience-oriented”?
In the first part, you talk directly to the audience which I think is super interesting. The only thing I would suggest is to maybe specify who “you” is earlier on because it can be a little confusing at first.
4. Did the belief match up with the story? Offer some advice if you felt the piece moved toward a different conclusion.
Yes, the belief did match up with the story. At first, it was a little unclear as to where the story was going but by the second paragraph, your belief became clear.
5. Suggest ways that the piece could engage the senses more.
You did a really great job of incorporating the senses especially in the middle part of the story where you describe things to the people around you. Maybe you could include some more of your feelings when you finally came to your belief after the poetry program you did.
6. Make a suggestion or two for something the author could move, change, add, or delete.
I would suggest maybe bringing the belief up earlier just to prepare the listener so that they can better understand the context of the things you’re choosing to talk about. I’d also maybe elaborate on the experience of finally realizing that your blood is not what defines your identity because I think that would be really interesting to hear more about.