~ Reported by Alise Deveney~

6:30 AM: Awaken all of University Park by loudly chittering outside of every dorm room window.

7:30 AM: Visit my secret stash of nuts on Old Main lawn and enjoy a delicious acorn breakfast.

8:00 AM: Hoard food.

8:30 AM: Eliminate the red squirrel that has wandered into my scrounging territory.

8:35 AM: Make an example out of the offending red squirrel. There will be no other challengers today.

8:40 AM: Continue to hoard food in peace.

10:30 AM: Attend a one-on-one meeting with President Eric Barron.

10:32 AM: Tell Eric Barron that I disapprove of his methods.

10:34 AM: Threaten to withdraw my support from the university.

10:35 AM: Make President Eric Barron cry. Right on schedule.

10:36 AM: Leap from President Eric Barron’s office window onto a nearby tree.

10:37 AM: Climb down tree.

10:38 AM: Climb up tree.

10:39 AM: Climb many more trees.

11:40 AM: Do parkour.

12:00 PM: Visit my secret stash of nuts on Old Main lawn and enjoy a delicious acorn lunch.

12:30 PM: Teach a course in golf course management.

12:45 PM: Ridicule my idiot students. None of them will ever properly manage a golf course.

12:48 PM: Laugh at their tears.

12:50 PM: Fail them all.

1:20 PM: Class ends.

1:30 PM: Hoard food.

4:00 PM: Flirt with sexy grey squirelette that lives by Pattee and Paterno Library.

4:02 PM: Get rejected.

4:03 PM: Cry.

4:30 PM: Salvage my ego. I’m too good for her.

4:40 PM: Get a drink at Zeno’s.

4:45 PM: Realize that it isn’t even 5:00 PM yet. This is pathetic. Leave Zeno’s.

5:00 PM: Visit Sbarro and enjoy a delicious pizza dinner.

5:45 PM: Go back to Zeno’s for another drink. Now it’s after 5:00 P.M.

6:00 PM: Notice that the sun is setting. Sense that the primordial darkness is swiftly approaching.

6:15PM: Return to the nest.

6:30 PM: Cower as the primordial darkness sweeps over the land.

7:00 PM: Fall asleep looking very fucking cute.