WASHINGTON – An extensive bacterial plot has just been uncovered by the CIA.
Dr. Edward Whetton (M.D., John’s Hopkins) was identified as a double agent at the head of the efforts of the Underground Bacteria Network (UBN). He purportedly allowed bacteria to live inside his patients, killing only 99.9% of bacteria instead of 100%
Whetton still refuses to admit any bacterial associations. The CIA, however, reports that Ebola exposed Whetton’s secret role in the UBN in exchange for a relaxation of anti-Ebola research efforts.
Mary Tills, one of Whetton’s former patients, is still shocked at this revelation. “I would have never suspected him to be a spy,” Tills said. “But I suppose some things about his behavior do make more sense now. I always thought he did have a slight bacteria accent.”
The CIA reports that the capture of Whetton may be the key to finally disinfecting the operations of the UBN. America has been at an intelligence deficit to bacteria in this “cold” war, but if Whetton can reveal their headquarters, the U.S. government has the weapons necessary to eliminate any future bacteria (or archaea) threats.
“We have plenty of clean air napalm and not poison gas at our disposal to deal with this infestation,” said Mike Pompeo, Director of the CIA. “The next step is to begin rounding up the rest of the doctors and figure out who is working for us and who is working against us. You never know where bacterial sympathies lie.”
At this time, it is suggested that everyone avoid doctors at all costs.
