CARLISLE, Pa.- A great tragedy has struck our nation: Jeff Bezos, the wealthiest man in the world, died today at 3:05 PM in Harrisburg General Hospital. The cause of death was acute poisoning from blow-darts fire by his own employees.
Mr. Bezos had been touring one of Amazon’s new warehouse facilities. These facilities are so massive that it has been joked that they could be considered “cities unto themselves”. This newest facility was built to overshadow them all, as part of Amazon’s ongoing effort to become the world’s largest retail corporation.
The tour of the new facility began fairly well, according to one warehouse employee, until they entered into the “Forbidden Zone” of the warehouse. Due to a horrific packaging accident, exotic plant-seeds and defective dehumidifiers gone haywire against their prime directive have created a thick, humid jungle where no civilized man dares tread.
Upon arriving in this zone, Mr. Bezos came down with an acute case of “Jungle Madness”, insisting that they continue their journey through the overgrown jungle, even as more and more of his employees and ethnic porters succumbed to snake-bites, malaria or simply disappeared into the bush.
“It was incredible,” one employee said. “He had a pith helmet and everything, swinging a machete all around. Like, I didn’t even know we carried pith helmets.”
Mr. Bezos, when asked if he wished to return to one of the more “civilized” regions of the warehouse, insisted that he “must find the gold of Kathul-Kun”, and that he would not allow “that rapscallion” to get it first. Who that rapscallion is/was, we cannot speculate.
Towards the end of the expedition, Mr. Bezos insisted that his men call him “Ramthaof Lemuria”, and he began perching an Alexa speaker on his shoulder, claiming it to be a parrot.
The adventure was cut tragically short when the company of adventurers was attacked by a band of rabid warehouse stockers, gone mad thanks to Amazon’s long and demanding hours, implemented by Bezos himself. Using poison dart frogs (recently taken into the warehouse following Amazon’s acquisition of Pet-Co), darts were created that ultimately ended Mr. Bezos’s life.
Reportedly, his last words were that “the adventure was the real treasure all along”, followed by a dramatic gesture towards the sky, a gentle brush of his favorite porter’s cheek, and a shudder. He is survived by his wife and two children, who hope to start
a charity to raise awareness for Jungle Madness.
