They’re Always After Me Lucky Charms: Leprechaun Accused of Hoarding Wealth in Caribbean Tax Haven

| Reported by Nikhil Nayyar |
GOLDEN VALLEY, Minn. — In a surprising press conference, General Mills announced it has terminated a longstanding contract with Lucky the Leprechaun. The Irish Fairy of old was most famous for his official status as mascot for the cereal ‘Lucky Charms.’ This announcement comes after disturbing news emerged from Nassau that Lucky had laundered $93 million as well as 7.4 million Rainbow marshmallow pieces (which are arguably the best) through its national banks.
Lucky responded harshly over Twitter. [Author’s Note: Imagine a charming, yet highly antiquated and offensive Irish accent, you know, like the one from the commercials.]
“Feck [Fuck], that wee lad Jeff Harmening [CEO of General Mills] has gone full shilling [gone crazy]. The sleeveen [sly person] is banjaxed [broken] trying to bags [make a mess] me out for saving a bit o’ gold. (1/26)”
“I’m a bit bold [naughty], aye, but that’s just me way, having a bit of craic [fun] here and there. Course, goes with the territory of me ways. The eejit [idiot] and culchie [city slicker] trying to eat the head off [verbally abuse] me lifestyle (2/26).”
Chalmers Gilbert, the Department of Commerce agent prosecuting the case, acknowledged the tweets in his federal press briefing. “While Mr. Robert ‘Lucky’ O’Leprechaun inspires little confidence, he still owes the United States upwards of $40 million dollars in taxes to the US government. If he obliges not to pay, we intend to work with the Irish government on extradition and punish Mr. O’Leprechaun to the full extent of the law.”
This action is the latest in a long line of federal crackdown on these sugar cereals. Cap’n Crunch was dishonorably discharged after a violent, drunken altercation involving three seamen and Toucan Sam in a Venezuelan port call last year. Snap, Crackle, and Pop took a plea deal after the DEA busted their underground crack ring. This coming only a few months after Sonny the Cuckoo Bird was interned in the New York State Mental System, being deemed a danger to “self, family, friends, and, most importantly, to cocoa puffs.”
Reaching out to Mr. Leprechaun, Phroth received the following response: “THEY’RE ALWAYS AFTER ME LUCKY CHARMS.”
I guess we found out who “they” were, the United State Federal Government.
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