STATE COLLEGE, Pa. — The horrible outcasted brain of Joe Paterno was found preserved in the catacombs underneath the Penn State Creamery.
It’s common knowledge Joe Paterno is the most despicable man to ever live. Nobody feels any different about this point. That’s why it came as such a surprise when Creamery employees went looking for more ‘Peachy Paterno,’ the flavor we all hate, in the underbelly of the facility, only to discover the terrible throbbing brain of the man that delivered endless shame to this once-proud university.
“I was in the middle of getting ice cream for another fat-bellied alumnus when my boss told me to go get more ice cream from the basement,” said Kelly Durst, the fateful worker. “I stumbled upon a hidden door labeled ‘Infamy’ and peered in only to see a human brain frozen with a little label next to it, ‘Joe Paterno’ it said. I shrieked in terror.”
Why would the University preserve the treacherous brain of a man that said nothing after discovering his buddy was molesting children for years? What could possess them to hold on so tightly to Paterno’s ignorant inhuman grey matter? Surely, the brain was put in the coldest place on campus there on accident and this is all a big misunderstanding.
When we questioned the University about why the brain of Joe Paterno was found in the Creamery, they started coughing and acted like we hadn’t said anything at all. Since then, the Creamery has been under heavy construction; signs say it’s to develop a new flavor called ‘Caramel.’
