WASHINGTON, D.C. — The US Department of Commerce planned precautionary measures this weekend, publishing an official report that advised “turning the economy off and then back on again” as a means to prevent the coming recession.
“If you take a look at the inverted yield curve, it’s starting to point downwards,” remarks Richard Brattigan III, Chief Economy White House Man. “However, if you take the economy and just restart it, the curve points upward because math.”
The plan is set to be implemented on May 10, 2020. This date was specifically chosen to offset the number of college students graduating and entering the recessed market.
Hubert Smithers (senior-economics), President of the Penn State Economics Association, challenged the plan. “Guys, its a recession…RECESSion. It just means that we get recess back in the job market. I don’t know about you, but I miss playing kickball after lunch.”
This brings up a good point, but we here at Phroth reinforce our firm anti-exercise stance.
The Dept. of Commerce is advising citizens to prepare for the shutdown by buying food, supplies, and extra underwear before the designated date as all business will be closed and all money will be worthless.
“Wait a minute,” remarks Smithers, “if the economy is turned off, how will college students even get jobs?”
