MOUNT NITTANY MIDDLE SCHOOL, STATE COLLEGE, Pa.- I know I’ve been taking your beat-downs for years, but boy, you guys really fucked up this time.

I just had my karate grading exam this past Wednesday. Not only did I pass and advance from the 4th kyu to the 3rd kyu, my sensei says that my sparring has gotten, like, really good. He said I need to work on form and emotional confidence, but sparring is the cool part.

And yeah — that means I can kick your ass now.

Well, I didn’t mean like, right now. Karate, much like its sister martial art jujutsu, is for self-defense only. But if you try to hit me I’ll retaliate, and probably block all of your hits. I’m getting much faster.

I told sensei Mark about what you’ve been saying. I told him about the time you flipped my lunch tray because you thought that it was stupid how I had a peanut allergy and couldn’t get a PB&J. I told him about when you got into the locker room before me and poured water on my jeans to make it look like I peed myself, and everyone laughed at me, even though I tried to argue that I had been wearing a different pair of pants for the whole gym period so it made no logistical sense for me to have peed my jeans in that time. I even told him about when you called me gay in front of the whole cafeteria because I was wearing a KISS t-shirt. You said, “Jacob likes to KISS boys!” and everyone just took you at your word.

But Sensei Mark has been training me, and now none of that will ever happen again. Because if you try to bully me, I will hit you.

No. Stop it. Stop that. I see that smirk on your face, Kevin. Don’t call it karat-gay. It’s a beautiful ancient practice and it’s really disrespectful to call it gay. Being gay is fine, but I know you don’t mean it in an accepting way.

Stop. Don’t take my hand and hit me with it. That’s humiliating. Ow, that kind of hurts. Quit it! Fine – fine! Uncle! I’m calling uncle. You win.

Just please don’t tell sensei Mark about this. He might make me move back down a kyu.