By Nikhil Nayyar

Ok, guys, I’m really starting to get worried. I went to the College 9 Theater about seven hours ago and, when I walked out, I found that I was fully aroused. I tried talking to my doctor because it’s been more than four hours, but when I tried explaining the situation to him he kicked me out of his office.

It just started as a joke, I swear. I saw the movie as a joke. It was ironic, right? It’s funny. IT’S FUNNY. Is it funny? Oh god, I don’t even know anymore….

[Editor’s Note: The final manuscript had wet droplets on the page. We think they were tears.]

Mr. Mistoffelees may be the cleverest cat, but he certainly isn’t the horniest.

I told myself, before I even made it anywhere near the movie theater, I told myself, “This better not awaken anything inside of me.” I told myself that. I told my stupid idiot self that. Why, oh why is this happening to me? Why now, what will my wife think? My kids?

I know now that there is no god but Bustopher Jones, but Mungojerrie, but Rumpleteazer, no god but the CGI-generated monstrosity that is the feline-human hybrid.

I should have known the moment the screen revealed its cursed menagerie of light and sound that God had already abandoned us. The humanoid features of Victoria paled in comparison to the electric sexuality of the Rum Tum Tugger, fell flat to the smooth sensuousness of Taylor Swift’s Bombalurina, was crushed under the sheer eroticism of Macavity the Mystery Cat.

Oh no…not this…please not this…

Was my excitement caused by Old Deuteronomy herself?

Does the answer even matter?

Overall, it was a good movie. Three out of four stars.