| By Kendra Hale |
LOCALSVILLE, USA – Annie Porter, a local woman who has managed to sew only 100,000 face masks per day, is still not doing enough to slow the spread of coronavirus in town, despite frequent criticism.
Members of the community gave their takes on Porter’s sub-par production rate of homemade fabric masks, masks that will definitely work, and are a reasonable substitute for medical-grade masks that should have been available to everyone in the first place, but unfortunately are not, which is not anyone’s fault.
Gretchen Flint (47), a local schoolteacher and LuLaRoe mentor, insists that Porter isn’t doing enough. During a video interview Flint said: “I know Annie is going around the community distributing her masks at homeless shelters and assisted-living homes, which is all well and good. But why isn’t she doing more? I truly can’t fathom how she can show her face in public when she doesn’t even have the common decency to work full-time at every single hospital and care center in town. She also hasn’t given me a mask which, in my book, is completely selfish and inexcusable.”
When asked what she was doing for the community, Flint closed her eyes and talked at length about her “inspiring statuses on Facebook,” and then open-mouth coughed into a box of LuLaRoe ‘clothing.’ “Annie has a lot to learn about being a role model,” said Flint.
Porter, who hasn’t slept in 3 weeks, was fired from her waitressing job in early March, so should reasonably have enough time on her hands to sew at least a million masks per day. When she heard what Flint was saying about her, she broke down: “I care a lot about the people in this community,” she said, crying, and also lying through her teeth.
In an attempt at what she calls “honest and open communication,” Porter called Flint to let her know that she is “really just doing her best” and that her “hands are covered in open blisters,” meaning she needs to use the little energy she has to continue producing masks, and therefore can’t work in a hospital or care home.
Flint hung up on Porter, and later posted on Facebook: “if people spent half as much time HELPING EACH OTHER as they spent making excuses for WHY THEY CAN’T, my kids wouldn’t be missing their 2nd-grade graduation!! Get these kids out of my house L O L!!!! P.S. – LuLaRoe is always hiring!”
When asked about Porter’s meager contributions, Bob Dinkelton (72), a local patriarch and bowling legend, well-revered in the community, said: “Well, I voted for Trump, so I don’t really care that people are dying. Especially poor people and anyone who doesn’t agree with or look like me. At least that commie Sanders finally dropped out. I was tired of seeing a non-rapist on the news.”
The interviewer, standing a safe distance from Dinkelton, asked him to kindly stay on topic. Dinkelton, red with rage and muttering about the first amendment, made an honest attempt to extricate himself from his seat on the couch on his front porch, but failed miserably, and sighed heavily. “Well, about that Annie girl, if she worked as hard as my president, I think everyone in this town would be cured already. Also wouldn’t hurt her to smile more.”
Porter, who has invested immense amounts of time, money, and labor in a desperate attempt to do as much as she can to help her community, a community that did not have the infrastructure to cope with a pandemic, attempted to shift the blame for the collective suffering away from herself: “I think the government should have done more to prepare the country for this crisis.”
In response to Porter’s blatant disregard for human life and appalling selfishness, the townspeople came to an agreement: in an inspiring moment of unity, a moment of light in these difficult times, everyone signed a Change.org petition to reinstate the death penalty, just for Porter.
Porter’s public execution has been scheduled for whenever large gatherings are allowed to resume, if she doesn’t die an incredibly painful and incredibly untimely death from the virus first.
When asked if there was anything Porter could have done to avoid her well-deserved sentence, Flint postulated: “maybe if she was an elected official, she wouldn’t have felt comfortable being so apathetic. But now she’s getting what she deserves – thank God.” Dinkelton wholeheartedly agreed.
Dinkelton also commented that he “hopes the NFL starts on time.”