Wilmington, Del. – To show his solidarity and understanding of the recent upswing in protests and rallies about the death of George Floyd and the apparent Police State of America, Biden has announced through his handler/press secretary that, if elected to office, he will ensure a complete reform of the name “Police,” vowing to rebrand them as “The Avengers.”
While Biden was unavailable for direct comment, his handler/press secretary, Liz Turgidson, was able to speak for him.
“Biden cares a great deal about this and he understands what people are upset about. Heck, he’s upset about it too. He has some less than kind words for the Minneapolis Police Department that I’m afraid you probably can’t publish online,” laughed Turgidson.
“He understands that Americans are getting sick of the police and the ugly stigmas associated with them. This is why he plans that once he is president, the police will be completely and utterly rebranded as ‘The Avengers,’ named after everyone’s favorite super pals.”
All police uniforms will feature a nice Avengers embroidered logo along with badges that, instead of stating the officers’ names, will have a superhero like Iron Man or Captain America.
“Won’t it feel pretty cool to be arrested by Cap and have your wrists bound with Infinity Gauntlets?”
Infinity Gauntlets will be the new name for zip ties.
Turgidson then elaborated that Biden plans to not only do a blanket rebranding of the police, but to rebrand every aspect of the Police-Industrial Complex.
“Biden has taken on a crackjack team of young interns with diverse backgrounds including former members of the Warren campaign staff as well as members of both House Gryffindor AND Hufflepuff to help lead this reform.”
Biden vows to no longer call protesters thugs but rather “chaotic goods” and will change the perception of the tactics and tools used by the police force.
“Rubber bullets may have rubber in the title, but ‘bullets’ is problematic. Instead, they will be renamed ‘Tom Nooks.’”
An example of this change in practice: While a Tom Nook may be classified as non-lethal, a 2017 study found that out of 1,984 people shot by kinetic impact projectiles (Tom Nooks or equivalent non-lethal tactical weapons), 300 were left with permanent disabilities. Despite this evidence, Tom Nooks are used far from sparingly against unarmed protesters.
“We have all kinds of sweeping and reformative rebrands including butterbeer battering rams and Funko Pops (sexual assault committed by officers against those they’ve forcibly detained under next to no pretenses) but I believe I should leave that to Mr. Biden to elaborate in better detail when he’s available.”
“Unfortunately, he is currently in the middle of a rewatch of ‘Ice Station Zebra’ and cannot be reached at the moment.”
