STATE COLLEGE, PA – Dear Members of the Penn State Community: over the past two weeks I have heard from hundreds of students, faculty, alumni and community members about their concerns involving hate in the Penn State community. I promise we are working on some meaningful change but before that can happen, I am very hungry and need to order a pizza and you all are making that very hard for me!

Please stop calling my office all hours of the day. I know you are frustrated about the University’s lack of meaningful action. I agree that we must acknowledge the pain, anger and frustration that such events inflict on our community. We must recognize that Black Lives Matter, and that racism, bias and religious intolerance yield an inexcusable cost to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. People are justifiably upset about the events in our nation, and the limitations surrounding our institutional response. But this is also a time for empathy, and you must understand that I am justifiably hungry, and your incessant calls are limiting my ability to order a pizza, a pizza that, once consumed, may give me the energy I need to begin to think about talking about planning to think about talking about and discussing what we may possibly may or may not do to address hate on campus (maybe).

Unfortunately, it has been hours since my phone line was free, and I am beginning to fear that I will never be able to order a pizza. I can feel myself withering away at this very moment. It seems I must provide some sort of plan with which to move forward, though I hate to do so without having eaten first. Oh well, here goes nothing.

I write to you today to say that we are committed to making changes at Penn State that address these issues. I believe that together we can make significant progress. As a first step, I plan the following actions:

1. Convene a task force to initiate a full review of the Student Code of Conduct, ensuring that it contains lots of good-sounding nouns and virtue signaling, and that we can continue to enforce it (or not) as we see fit.

2. Work with the University Faculty Senate, Staff Advisory Council, student leaders and University administrators to initiate mandatory bias training for all employees beginning in the fall semester. It will be hard to say we didn’t do our part when all employees are required to do a 30-minute online module (no quizzes – we don’t want you on the clock for too long).

3. Partnership with the University Faculty Senate to support the request of student leaders for required racism and bias coursework for all students. Placating the student body is very important to us.

4. Partner through shared governance with the University Faculty Senate to continue to develop improved policies, procedures and expectations that will increase the hiring and retention of faculty who are members of underrepresented groups at the University. Hiring and retention continues to be a major challenge for Penn State that must be addressed.

5. Work with the Board of Trustees to help ensure that educational and employment equity has the full attention of the trustees. I am sure these rich people will continue to generate ideas that align with the needs of the community as a whole.

6. Ask the Task Force on Policing and Communities of Color to reconvene, even though they already solved racism when they finished their work in 2017. Whatever it takes for you all to stop calling my office!

7. Prioritize the well-being of all students and employees, including enhanced mental health resources, and community building initiatives. We must provide counseling and support to our students who have been victimized by our students.

I also plan on thinking about doing and talking seriously and having conversations about discussing other things, but I fear my time is running out. My vision is fading. I am so very hungry. Is this what you wanted? For your dear president to lose consciousness in such a dire time? I can only think this was the plan all along. Hopefully someone will find me. Hopefully I will awake to a university that has stopped calling my phone. Hopefully I will awake to the delicious smell of a hot, fresh pizza.

P.S. – Members of PHROTH, we have found the microwave in your office. This is not permitted. Please refer to university documentation concerning this matter and understand that we do not, in any way, condone this. Either remove the microwave of your own volition or we will expel it ourselves.