STATE COLLEGE, PA – That’s right. Penn State just solved racism (and mere days after they learned that it was a problem). In a tele-meeting this past week, the Penn State Board of Trustees approved the change in name 20-18.
“We get it (racism). We have our finger on the pulse, and we understand the importance of representation,” said one of the more than twenty white men on the Board. “We know what students want – nay, what students need – in these unprecedented, unequaled, unmatched, unrivaled, uncommon, unprecedented times.”
When asked what they thought about the temporary renaming of the fitness center, the three POC on the Board answered in perfect unison: “We are so proud of this groundbreaking change and we love being on the board of trustees for Penn State!”
“We figured this was the least we could do,” said John J. Teaberry XVI, rich man and member of the Board. “I’ve been looking at the (former) White Building from my ivory tower for years and thinking, ‘well, something isn’t quite WHITE about this!’ Get it?”
This publication was not aware that Teaberry, in addition to being the CEO of his own company, is also the CEO of comedy. If he was not so busy accumulating wealth, we might ask him to write for PHROTH.
After laughing at his own joke, Teaberry noted that he could not however, “in good conscience,” vote in favor of this name change. “Mary Beaver White, the namesake of the building, is a very important figure in this University’s financial history – it would be a disservice to her legacy to rename the gym, even as a symbolic gesture.” This publication later noted that a search for Mary Beaver White returns no relevant results.
Penn State President Eric Barron could not be reached for comment on this matter; his email returns an automated and generic vacation message, and his voicemail inbox is full. His greeting states, simply, “You’re welcome.”
The name change will be in effect for a week following the vote, which took place six days ago, and will be displayed on a post-it note on the north wall of the lobby. “This was the most economic way of implementing the change,” noted Teaberry, disappointed. “If we could have spent less, we would have.”
The board has been consistently cutting corners in all areas in order to conserve funds for the upcoming semester. It will vote next week on the optimal location for a state-of-the-art plague hospital, which it looks forward to having completed in time for the students’ return in August.
