Nick Shugrue
State College, PA.- Tragedy strikes Happy Valley. Auburn has refused to change their school motto to “We Are Not.” After a threat of a petition circulated the student population, Auburn University still hasn’t learned their fucking lesson.
These bastards at Auburn University just don’t give a shit. At this point, Auburn barely recognizes the arrogant decision they annually renew – you won’t see any issues of their precious Plainsman newspaper covering this scandal. I mean it makes perfect sense, if “We Are,” then clearly, they “Are Not.” It’s simple arithmetic. They have no respect, it’s as if Auburn’s community never even think to consider the needs of Penn State.
Does anyone out there even know what chant Auburn counters our “We Are” with? I’d wager any sane minded individual wouldn’t guess it in a thousand years. It’s fucking War Eagle. War Eagle for Christ’s sake! What is even the thought process behind that? Are they trying to summon a little bird to swoop in and take the field? Is that what there trying to do? Summon a little birdy? These fuckwads need to grow up and accept their true motto.
Nobody is more hurt by Auburn’s choice of slogan than the student body of Penn State. When approached for a comment, second year cybersecurity analytics and operations major James Gans stated, with tears in his eyes, “The whole situation saddens me greatly. They’re children really, I know they can see how this affects the lives of us Penn Staters. They are arrogant, insolent, despicable humans who refuse to do what’s right.” Gans’ struggles with this upsetting situation aren’t just his own. The students of Penn State, whether here for their first year or finishing up their PHD, all agree: This is total fucking horseshit.
But maybe there is still some hope: the will of the people. Shotgun a White Claw and get your signing hand ready, because at the bottom of this article we’ve included possibly the most important petition you will ever have forced down your throat of all time. That’s right you yellow bellied shit heads, those initial threats are becoming a reality. If you’re a true Penn Stater, if you bleed blue and white, if you believe that a $36,500 tuition bill is the divine command of God himself, I don’t even have to ask you to sign it. Your signature was on the page the second you saw the words “White Claw.” Make haste, because every second that you spend not having signed on is another second that these evil Alabamian agents of Satan spend with the wrong motto.
We are, and they are not.
