By Huge Pervert
STATE COLLEGE, Pa. – Yeah, you read that headline all right. I have a shame kink and I’m proud of it. I can say any shitty opinion I have, and all your criticism will do is grant me sweet sweet ecstasy. Give me your worst, dear reader. To start you off with some fodder for your ridicule, here are just some of my thoughts on the food world I’d like to voice here and now.
First of all, I absolutely hate avocado. That being said, guacamole is the greatest dip of all time, and you can’t tell me differently. I bet me saying that really just burns your biscuit, don’t it? I think pineapple is great on pizza, but only if the pineapple comes straight out of a refrigerated can, uncooked. Also, it has to be Ellio’s frozen pizza. Bet I got y’all real cheesed over that one! Here’s another little thing about my culinary taste, my ideal meal is a nice steaming cup of instant hot chocolate paired with a nice steaming bowl of chicken noodle soup. Both hot liquids, essentially opposite flavors, and absolute perfection for a man like me.
You might be sitting out there thinking “Man, this guy’s a fucking weird loser pervert, what kind of freak has a shame kink and actively advertises it to the whole world? This is the weirdest guy I’ve ever heard of.” And to that, I say “Oh yeah baby! Give me more! Spit on me and call me your little piss baby!” Kink shaming my shame kink just supplies more shame for my shame kink. Check-fucking-mate.
Oh, what’s that you say? You think that this is as morally reprehensible as a man can get? Well, you ain’t seen nothing yet! Let me tell you about what I do on a day-to-day basis.
When I get up to do my daily morning routine, I skip putting on deodorant. Nobody should be wearing deodorant; the natural scent God gave you is all you need. Then as I make my way to work where I proceed to fill up the fridge with Tupperware that I will never take home, I stop random women on the street to ask if they are pregnant. After I’ve been working for a good amount of time, I have to go to the bathroom. I think it’s total bullshit that you can’t get away with shitting yourself in public, but you can totally get away with pissing yourself, so I intentionally shit myself all the time just to defend my point. And you know what I do afterwards? I go home and take a shower. Sitting down. On the floor of the shower. After I’m done showering, it’s time to get into my bedtime clothes: nothing but a good ol’ pair of socks. Speaking of bedtime, to sleep better, I have a white noise machine that just plays the sound of a baby crying on a plane. It’s a perfect day.
YES! YES! THAT’S IT! FUCK YEAH! ……*panting*……Phew……. Okay… Alright…
Before I finish this article though, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who comments on this. It’s been really tough lately; I’m going through a very sad and lonely phase in my life at the moment. It just means so much to me that you’d take the time not only to listen to me, not only to respond in turn but to help me jack off. For that I am grateful.