By Ava Wendelken

IDIOTVILLE, USA – Can you believe this guy? He seems to have no idea the kind of work that went into making him. He lives in this made-up fairy tale land where storks just drop little angels off on the rooftops of expectant mommies and daddies. Well, newsflash, dickhead: your mommy and daddy had to pork to let you be born. 

I don’t mean to be the guy to burst your bubble, but I can’t let you live in dreamland much longer than you already have. This little baby has no idea what the world has in store for him, including his own parents’ well-rounded romantic relationship that includes, you guessed it, a healthy sexual component as well. 

Sure, there are worse things to learn about the world. You could learn about war, genocide. You could learn about child labor. You could discover the bleak reality of show business. But for little babies like this guy, it would be earth-shattering for him to realize that his parents don’t just hug, hold hands, and otherwise live to serve his little baby interests. No way, Jose. Your parents like to do other things, too, like having sex every once in a while. 

Maybe someday he’ll realize it. He could be 12, 13, 14–in those middle school years where you first start to realize that your parents are actually people. But for now, this little bitch is hopelessly oblivious to the sad reality that his parents had to get freak-ay in order to bake his little stupid ass in the mommy oven. Stupid!