By Keith Meenan

CHICAGO – In the latest rebrand, McDonald’s will be retiring long-standing mascot, Ronald McDonald, in favor of a new original creation: Tommy Shrub, the mime with an undiagnosed chemical dependency. 

Ronald McDonald, created in 1963 by Willard Scott, has been one of the most famous advertising mascots of all time.

So why the sudden mix-up?

Percy Hanover, head of advertising for McDonald’s said, “I grew up with Ronald. Odds are if you’re reading this article, you grew up with him too. But times change, and we want a new mascot that can grow with the latest generation of affordable fast dining eaters.”

“So we cooked up Tommy Shrub, a mime who, despite a crippling chemical dependency, still loves McDonald’s so much that he’ll fight every day through the waking pain of his life to promote our food.”

While some could consider this a controversial backstory to a fast-food mascot targeted largely towards children, Hanover explains these concerns were taken into account.

 “There is no drug glorification here. Tommy Shrub reflects a real-life battle millions of Americans fight every day. Yet, and what I think is the beauty of his character, Tommy rises above it to promote affordable and fast dining for the entire world.”

Hanover continued, “We intentionally keep the substance vague so as to both not promote abuse as well as allow consumers to project their own battles onto him. But it’s like probably heroin or crack or some other hard shit like that.”

Tommy Shrub’s first advertisements are expected to drop this winter.

Whether his slogan, “I almost love this McDonald’s food as much as the drug I take,” will catch on like “I’m Lovin’ it,” only time will tell.