By Ben Hommrich

STATE COLLEGE, Pa. – After well over a decade of supporting people who are “just kinda going through it right now,” the iOS notes app made Penn State history by being the first non-human to graduate from Penn State’s psychiatry residency program.

For years, people have criticized writing in the notes app during a mental health crisis as “not real therapy” and “basically doing nothing to fix any of your mental health problems.” But as a licensed psychiatrist, the notes app can prescribe you antidepressants, which will probably solve everything.

The notes app recently began working as a psychiatrist at Mount Nittany Medical Center, specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy. Or something like that. We aren’t quite sure what that actually means. Jen Sanderson (senior-film), Dr. App’s first-ever patient, is very satisfied with the low-effort and convenient therapy that the notes app provides.

“Before I met Dr. App, I was worried to see an actual therapist. I might actually have to reveal all of the crazy and embarrassing thoughts to a real human being. How can I explain all of the poetry I wrote about a mediocre man named Colin to a boring middle-aged man in his 40’s? But the notes app does not judge. He reflects what I say perfectly back to me. No pesky opportunities for growth, or any challenge whatsoever. Plus I can just type ‘Order Zoloft’ and it will come within three to five business days.”

However, many have criticized the notes app have criticized its patented technique of doing “absolutely fucking nothing,” including Michael Anderson (sophomore-agricultural sciences).

“I switched over to the notes app after my therapist made me meditate (so annoying), but now Dr. App is completely ignoring me. No advice or anything. I might as well be talking to a piece of paper.”

Despite these issues, the notes app remains extremely popular among 18 to 25 years old that are in denial about having “real depression.”