By Ava Wendelken

PHILADELPHIA, Pa. – Ah, fuck, man. We actually did a really bang-up job with the whole cancer thing, but when we went outside to show people walking by, a really big gust of wind picked up our petri dish, blew it into the air, spun it around our heads for a minute or so while we all tried to grab it, and then dumped it into a storm drain.  

We tried getting it out of the sewer with a big plastic grabber but that didn’t work. We also tried tying pieces of floss together and tying a mouse to the bottom of the floss in the hopes that the mouse would grab the petri dish with his little paws, but when we pulled the floss back up the mouse was gone. Shit! Where could he have gone?

I cannot understate how bad we fucked up. Seriously, don’t try to make us feel better about this. 

To make things worse, before we dropped it, we got a little cocky about finishing it up and we immediately called the school and told them to cancel THON this year since we solved the whole thing. 

We also sent them an email with a picture of all of us flashing our bare asses at the camera, and then we left them several voicemails telling them that they are fucking useless and that we won cancer. Uggghhhh! This really sucks! 

Please, please, please don’t tell our boss. He’s such a hardass and a dick. He’s totally going to yell at us even though it pretty much wasn’t our fault, just like he always does. Fuck!