The amount of times I have heard, “Do not blame your partner for your past relationships” is so redundant. Yet it is only after we learned about exemplar theory that I found it worth repeating for the sake of questioning. Exemplar theory is the concept that we have stored examples of the category we have encountered. So, in regards to relationships the exemplar theory is all of our past romantic experiences placed into one general category. Should we be using exemplar theory with our relationships?
According to the book, Knowledge Structures in Close Relationships: A Social Psychological Approach, “Applying this distinction to general lay relationship theories, it is quite conceivable that people use exemplars that consist of specific past relationships or patterns they have observed, or been involved with, to compare and contrast with their ongoing relationships experiences.”
If we are in a new relationships and we happen to see ‘red flags’ or things that we know are not good for us, exemplar theory may be a handy tool to have. But what happens when we spend so much time comparing to the past that we fail to create the now? I have found in many that this creates an inability to create new experiences and therefore further adds to the narrative of exemplar theory and therefore, their ongoing relationship experiences remain the same and unchanging.
Though exemplar theory may be helpful in many areas and facets of our lives, I cannot help but wonder if it may cause unnecessary struggle with our personal relationships. When measuring our relationships with another human being, it is near impossible to compare one relationship to the other as each one has to some degree a unique and individual facet. We can say it is possible to have relationship patterns but it makes one wonder if those patterns stem from exemplar theory and if instead, we went into relationships with no point of reference we may be better off.
References:
Fletcher, G. J., & Fitness, J. (1996). Knowledge structures in close relationships: A social psychological approach. Mahwah, NJ: L. Erlbaum.
It’s a good question to be asking ourselves… whether we should be using the exemplar theory when it come s to romantic relationships. I’m sure that to an extent we apply it without even realizing it. As you mentioned, sometimes we may see some “red flags”. But we see them as “red flags” because our brain is automatically using the exemplar theory and has defined these things as red flags. But in terms of other factors, I think that we need to somehow shut this part of our brain off. If we don’t, then we are always going to be applying our last relationship(s) to the one in the present. This is not fair to either of the people and could create potential roadblocks.
I find that if you spend too much time dwelling on the past, you don’t have time to appreciate the present and plan for the future. While taking past relationships into consideration as learning experiences can help ward off unnecessary heartache and pains, thinking about them too often can limit opportunities for new learning experiences. It’s interesting that you’ve associated the exemplar theory with relationship history. I’ve never noticed the similarity. Now that you’ve made the association, though, it makes perfect sense. There are bits and pieces of past relationships that I’ve put into the ‘red flag’ category. Because I’ve had experiences with certain disliked actions and characteristics, I know what to steer clear of in the future. I think that making assumptions via the exemplar theory, if done extensively, can definitely cause unnecessary struggles in relationships as you’ve said. How will we ever know something until we try it?