I was trying to think of what has changed in my life. What paradigm shifts have I gone through as a person? I want to think that I’m the same person Ive always been. It’s a bit naïve of me but I wanted to feel like I was true to myself. So I sat outside and tried to think, “ what has gradually changed?” To give my self something to do I pulled out a box of Djarum Black cigars and pulled one out. I lit it up, put it to my lips and blew. And then I realized that the cigar was a paradigm shift in itself.
My dad is a heavy smoker. My brothers and I have obtained a ton of second smoke just being in the same house as him. Now, my dad never smoked in the house but it would still creep in. And boy did we hate it. We vowed to never smoke. Along with never smoking we also promised each other that we wouldn’t drink because my dad was also an alcoholic. My how the times have changed.
I don’t know when it was that I stopped caring. Not about my body or health but stopped caring about the promises we made to not smoke or drink? I don’t think it was to be popular because my friends have never forced me to do anything I don’t want. I’ve always felt comfortable about myself so peer pressure has never been a problem. So why, why did I start smoking ? I actually don’t know why. I don’t even enjoy smoking like that. It doesn’t make me feel better or relieve stress. Its something I do because I’m bored. So the real question becomes when did life get warning. When did life shift from something that you enjoy to something in which you are complacent, bored, indifferent. Now this isn’t to say I’m depressed or anything. I think its because I’m not sure what I want to do with my life. I’d like to think it comes from just being unsure about my direction in life.
SO the biggest shift in my life wouldn’t be the things I do. The things we do will change back and forth form time to time. That’s supposed to happen. But the change in how you feel about life is that something that should change? I’m not sure I know the answer to that.
I have gone through the exact same thing. My dad smokes cigars out the wazoo and I have always hated it until that one day my friends were smoking some and offered to me. I tried it and I didn’t think it was that bad. I used to have such strong opinions towards my father’s smoking especially since he had a heart attack when I was younger. Like you, I don’t exactly know why my opinion changed on the matter, but it did. However I haven’t just completely disregarded my previous feelings and I don’t think you should either. Remember why we first hated cigars. It’s okay to be more tolerant but we shouldn’t forget those feelings we had for such a long time. Also in this stage of our lives, I don’t think any one of us really knows what we are doing with are lives. We may think we have a clue but the truth is things can change in only a short matter of time. You’ll figure it out in time so take a breath and enjoy what you have right now. We’re still young and have time to figure things out.
This is going to sound like a cliche but college is a time for trying new things and experimenting both positively and negatively. After reading about your dad and your friends although we do not see it as peer presure sometimes we do things because we see other people doing it, not that they are forcing you… for example a “social drinker” – you do not typically drink, just when everyone around you is and although they aren’t forcing you to, you feel compelled. If you’re bored dont smoke! Do homework, take a nap, meet people, just be productive! You’re at a brand new stage in your life you can literally do anything you want! Take advantage of it and enjoy this time 🙂
I know exactly how you feel. At this point, I’m also unsure about the direction I want my life to go in. Feelings of complacency and uncertainty abound at times. Sometimes, I don’t know what to do, so I end up doing something random that doesn’t really have any point except to pass the time. However, I think that we shouldn’t be too concerened. Everybody ocassionally has moments like this; people who are undecided about their future probably just have a few more of them. Also, you may think you are wasting your time in meaningless pursuits, but it is often ordinary moments that can produce extraordinary insights. Always be in the moment and in tune with the world around you and you’ll begin to enjoy even the most seemingly insignificant things in life more.