The Princess and the Pea: President Edition

Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there lived two wealthy men, Drake and Joshua, who wanted to become president of the land. Drake, the first presidential candidate, was renown for his intellectual acumen, for he could solve the most complex of mathematical equations, memorize all the works of Thoreau, write fifteen novels in a year, and was on the path to singlehandedly finding a cure for cancer. Joshua, the second presidential candidate, was widely appreciated for his looks and charm, for he had the ability to entrance anyone, man or women, simply by gazing into their eyes.

As time passed, the people of the land realized that the position of presidency would become a battle between intellect and charm. For four strenuous and demanding years, the two men scoured the entire land to earn the appeal of their constituents and plead for votes. On the day of the election, the people of the land gathered to cast their votes, some succumbing to Drake’s intelligence and some succumbing to Joshua’s charisma. After a very competitive and highly anticipated election, it was learned, to the people’s sorrow, that the result was a tie. Both Drake and Joshua had received the same number of votes, so neither could be granted the title of president of the land.

The following morning, tens upon hundreds of councils and ministries gathered to seek a solution to a seemingly tricky conundrum: who should be president, Drake or Joshua? Suddenly, the secretary of the land had a flash of brilliance having fathomed a solution to the dilemma.

“I’ve got it!” the secretary screamed with excitement. For centuries, tales had been passed from generation to generation that glorified the president and declared only those with presidential blood were fit to rule. Such presidential blood was only found in a select group of the chosen few, who displayed a sense of delicacy, elegance, and sensitivity. The eyes of secretary gleamed as she marveled at her own genius and announced her plans to the council: “Presidential blood is something only a few chosen few are born with. We shall have both candidates, Drake and Joshua, sleep on their luxury hotel mattresses, however, we shall place a penny beneath each mattress and whichever candidate notices the discomfort caused by the penny will become president of the land. Only the man who can notice the penny has presidential blood and is fit to rule the land.”

At that moment, the members of the council stood upon their feet and applauded the cunningness and wisdom of the secretary. The following night, the hotel manager walked into Drake and Joshua’s extravagantly luxurious five-star suites, and placed a bronze penny beneath each of their mattresses. Both Drake and Joshua returned to the hotel to sleep, unaware of the council’s plans.

The next morning, both Drake and Joshua emerged from their rooms to the sight of hundreds of paparazzi and press officials inquiring how they had slept. Joshua winked at the cameras and stated that he had a restful sleep, looking dashing as always. On the contrary, Drake looked withered and pale with bags beneath his eyes and a lifeless expression.

“I don’t know how you could have slept, Joshua, for I slept very badly. I kept tossing and felt such an extraordinary lump of discomfort in my mattress. Never have I slept so poorly!” exclaimed Drake in utter fatigue and exasperation.

The press and the crowd burst into a medley of cheers.

“Drake’s our new president! Long live Drake!” the crowd chanted in pleasure.

Both candidates were then notified of the council’s plans and the implantation of the penny in their mattresses. Joshua left the hotel in a disappointed manner while Drake delightedly accepted his new position as president of the land and lived happily ever after.

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