this is me trying 

In the Long Pond Studio Sessions, Taylor explains how she was thinking about addiction and people who have an everyday struggle with mental illness, or other emotional/mental problems. No one except for themselves knows that they are actively trying to keep themselves from going back to a dark place. No one gives them a pat on the back everyday for actively fighting something, for finding the strength everyday to choose to go back to their old ways, no matter how much they wish they could. Someone who is fighting what may seem like an invisible fight must definitely want people around them to know how much effort it takes to get to a place where they can do what might be considered the bare minimum for a task. In the first verse of the song, Taylor explains how it is from the perspective of a person who is having a hard time adjusting to their new surroundings and how they have been repeatedly messing up in almost everything they have been trying. In the lyrics end of the verse followed by the chorus, Taylor says: 

“Pulled the car off the road to the lookout

Could’ve followed my fears all the way down

And maybe I don’t quite know what to say

But I’m here in your doorway

I just wanted you to know

That this is me trying” 

The act of trying your hardest on something is a very personal process because only the individual knows whether or not they are trying their hardest. Even after trying your hardest, to feel like you are not good enough, is a feeling that is very isolating but also uniting in a way because it is something that almost everyone fears and feels. When we see a person, I feel like it is our default behavior to form an opinion about them based off of their actions and what they have accomplished. However, to someone that is not focused on life goals because they are spending their energy pulling themselves from the precipice of a metaphorical or literal cliff day in and day out they might not have anything to show for their accomplishments other than the fact that they are existing, breathing, and still alive. What many consider to be the bare minimum, might be their ultimate accomplishment. Taylor shows how the act of pulling yourself from the edge of giving in and following your fears all the way down is an act trying in and of itself even though it might not always seem like it, since there’s nothing to show for the accomplishment other than you being alive. I liked how Jack Antonoff phrased it in the documentary when he said that it is “the ultimate act of trying” and how it takes an incredible amount of strength to do so. 

 

illicit affairs 

The one thing that Taylor says right as she starts talking about this song in the Long Pond Studio sessions documentary is that it is not autobiographical. I thought it was really funny how much she stressed that, but completely understood why because she is known for being an open book, and for writing extremely personal and autobiographical songs. As you can guess by the title, this song talks about infidelity, a topic that Taylor has made many songs about. However, it is very interesting to see how her opinion on infidelity and its aftermath has changed over the course of her career. In “Should’ve Said No” from Taylor’s debut album, Taylor outright condemns the man that had the audacity and dared to cheat on her. I really like how this song is produced with the quick guitar plucking mimicking how one might feel while hiding something big from people that they trust and place trust in them. Infidelity is often talked about from the side of the person that was wronged, so I thought this was a very interesting take to see the perspective of “the other woman.” In the first verse, Taylor starts off with lyrics talking about the lengths that a person might have to go to to hide and continue their affair. She talks about lying to friends about their whereabouts, wearing hoods and non identifiable clothing to conceal their identity, and the lies that someone having an affair might tell themselves, saying “they can stop if they wanted to.” Taylor also talks about how this behavior of repeatedly trying to blend into the background and not be caught might lead to someone losing their own identity, because instead of prioritizing themselves, they now prioritize not getting caught doing something that they should not be doing. My favorite part of the song is the bridge which goes: 

And you wanna scream

Don’t call me “kid”

Don’t call me “baby”

Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me

You showed me colors

You know I can’t see with anyone else

And you know damn well

For you I would ruin myself

A million little times

I like how this bridge feels like different emotions fighting for dominance. The beginning starts out with the person being angry and understanding how the affair is affecting them, making them a “mess.” Then it moves to a tone filled with anguish, where they are reflecting on the affair thinking about how they will never be the same, and how even though they should hate the other person for making them feel this way, they would still “ruin themselves” for the other person. 

 

invisible string 

If you are someone that believes in fate, destiny, and that “everything happens for a reason,” then invisible string is the song for you. In this song, Taylor reflects on both her and her lover’s life to connect the dots and figure out how they found each other. In the first chorus, Taylor says:

Time, curious time

Gave me no compasses, gave me no signs

Were there clues I didn’t see?

And isn’t it just so pretty to think

All along there was some

Invisible string

Tying you to me? 

This chorus is prefaced by Taylor trying to grasp at invisible strings (pun intended) to find commonalities that tied her life to Joe Alwyn life. Taylor talks about how green was the color of the grass where she used to read at centennial park, and how similarly, Joe’s uniform from when he used to work at a yogurt shop at 16 years old was a shade of teal. Although this may seem like a trivial comparison, it shows how she is looking for the clues that she didn’t see that brought her to Joe. I like how in the end of the chorus Taylor comes to the belief that all along there was an invisible string tying her to Joe and that small details such as the similar sdes in the color of the grass and his uniform were all just clues that she didn’t see because she did not have the full picture yet. 

 

In the second verse, Taylor continues to name instances where their lives have crossed. One detail that stood out to me that I thought was interesting was how the song that played in the back of the cab when Joe first came to LA, when he did not know Taylor, was bad blood. I think it was such a sweet coincidence that on his first trip to the US, the first song that he heard was Taylor’s song. Although it is common to hear a Taylor Swift song on the radio, I think it’s “pretty to think that all along there was some invisible string” tying two people together. In the second chorus she says: “Time, mystical time/ Cuttin’ me open, then healin’ me fine/ Were there clues I didn’t see?” I really like this chorus because these lines show how even after Taylor got her heart broken time and time again, it was ultimately time that ended up healing her wounds, and patience that helped her find the right person that she was supposed to end up with.