Finding Your Rhythm

Me (at the beginning of last semester):

Oh wow! College is gonna be great! I’m going to get to spend so much time practicing and getting better at my MUSIC, cuz I’m finally at a school for MUSIC and I’ll only have to do MUSIC-y things. OMG I love MUSIC so much!

PSU:

Behold! the ring of fire. You shall be required to jump through it and many others during your time here. They shall come before you when you least expect it. They shall be of all shapes and sizes.

Me:

As long as I get to practice.

PSU:

Please proceed to the first ring.

Me:

Okay, right after I…

PSU:

Please proceed to the second ring.

Me:

Oh, could you not?

PSU:

Please proceed to the third ring.

 

I’m getting overwhelmed now just thinking about it. Soon enough, my schedule was overwhelmed by these obstacles to the point that my dreams of practice and indulgent music study were all but forgotten. Later in the semester, I recovered some of my childlike instincts. I got frustrated with the repetition, the not music. Long story short, I was great at hoop-hopping, but my practice ethic was garbage. The number of days I spent in the practice room probably could have been counted on my hands and feet, which is very pitiful.

The guilt built up until I had to say something to my teacher. He shouldn’t have to worry that his own performance as an instructor had any negative influence on my improvement. The talk went better than expected but there obviously had to be some terms to our pax. In my effort to be a good student in other subject areas, I had lost internal motivation to improve.

And it isn’t that I wasn’t playing or didn’t want to. It was all in limited contexts though. Rehearsals and lessons primarily – places where outside individual practice is assumed. I got by, but not without some internal conflict and self loathing along the way.

Perhaps that was a necessary evil. Over the break I had a lot of time to think about these things and more regarding my overall work ethic, my priorities, my relationships, etc. It was really depressing to be completely honest. The silver lining didn’t come around until I came back to school.

As it turns out, all that self hate and dread of repeated failure transformed into an uncharacteristic drive to succeed. Once I returned, I started doing all of the things I had regrettably neglected in my first semester, practicing first and foremost, but also reading more, writing more, thinking more, sleeping more, eating better, and faith focus.

I tell people about all the things I wish went better the first semester, and they kind of roll their eyes at me. “Shut up; you did really well!” they’ll say. But it’s all in what they can’t see or feel. Numbers don’t cut it for me anymore. It isn’t do or die right now. So long as I’m not failing, I (probably) couldn’t care less.

What am I trying to say? I guess that I thought I had things figured out the first time around, but it wasn’t even close to the way I said I wanted things to go way back when. I blamed my behaviors on the cards I was being dealt, not how I played them. We don’t always win, but we have core values we can stick to. This is something I have a far better appreciation for now than I did only a few weeks ago.

Don’t lose focus of the things you value in life.

This is only a surface view of the things that have been going on in my life, but I’d be happy to open up some more with anyone brave enough to reach out and ask. I love making those kinds of connections with people.