Most people in life have one ride-or-die childhood best friend. The person that they met when they were about three years old and have been inseparable from ever since. Their families are intertwined somehow by a sport, hobby, or mutual connection. I am not that person you will meet. Growing up, I had many best friends. Having been playing softball since I was four years old, I was able to form many bonds and special connections as I aged. However, most of these bonds were artificial. I always made friends very easily. In each grade of elementary school, I had a best friend. We would exchange landline numbers in class or introduce each other to our parents at the pickup door once the school bell rang. That following weekend, we would eat dinosaur chicken nuggets with a side of Caprisun and Scooby-Doo fruit snacks, gallop in the woodchips, and calculate outfits for our Barbie dolls. I learned quickly that these friends would come and go, and when they made a new best friend, my heart was crushed. This was a continuous pattern up until sixth grade when I entered middle school. I quickly formed a close-knit circle of girls that I found common similarities with. One out of six girls turned out to be my best friend to this day, who would soon become my neighbor as well. Going through ups and downs of having people there for me who had my best interest up until college shaped me into the person I am today. The friendships that were formed out of love, loyalty, and companionship got me through stages of depression, grief, and anxiety. If it weren’t for them, I would not be as happy and feel as loved as I am today. This is why I believe that genuine relationships are the best thing you can have in life.
When the commencement of high school went into effect, I quickly gained tons of new friends. Being in numerous types of classes, on two sports teams, and in three clubs, I loved everyone. When graduating high school four years later, I remained genuine friends with approximately half of these people. I had your basic thirty-person friend group during my high school years until the middle of junior year when we naturally split up. Covid quarantine came into play and I felt like I had no one. I was lonely, constantly sad, and hopeless for a genuine connection. I learned that the people besides a few from this friend group were never my real friends nor did they have my best interest. My best friends were the ones that I still talk to every day even in college, the ones that I share core memories with that still crack us up to this day. The ones that we have been there for each other through boys, school, family issues, mental breakdowns, and most of all happy accomplishments. I became part of a new friend group towards the end of senior year where I was blessed with some of the best people I have ever met in my life. They are selfless, caring, kind, and reliable. They can always be counted on for a piece of advice, a good laugh, or to be there when desperate times call.
Beginning a new chapter of my life, I was extremely anxious to start college. But, then I met my roommate. A funny story actually. We were both touring the University of South Carolina and bumped into each other. I needed a tour group to jump into and her family was kind enough to allow my mom and me to join in. We exchanged social media handles and decided to room together at Penn State. She is my rock. She has never once doubted me or done anything less than be an amazing friend. We literally do everything together, from going out on a Friday night to going to get our packages together at the Waring Commons. We both influence each other in the most positive way possible and have taught each other so many beautiful things about life.
The saying is true, you are truly the people that you surround yourself with and while I am self-dependent, the genuine relationships that I have built have the ability to stand against anything. I cannot thank these people enough for allowing me to grow while having them right there by my side.
1.Identify the central conflict and structure (cause and effect, transformation, categorical) of this piece. Provide ideas for enhancing the central conflict structure/arrangement.
I had a hard time identifying the central conflict of this piece. I felt like 3 separate narratives happened simultaneously so there were separate conflicts each time. I think the structure was transformation. One way to enhance your central conflict and structure is choosing one story instead of 3.
2. Could the piece be more sensory or engaging if told another way? Comment on how the style could be strengthened. Provide an example from the draft.
I like the central theme of friendship in your piece but I think honing in on one story and drawing out all the details possible is going to have the most impact. I don’t feel like I could truly imagine your story because each one was just a short snapshot of, what I believe, can each individually be a really good story. Like you had a good sensory part going when talking about your playdate but that sensory aspect was lost when talking about all of high school.
3. Name some possibilities for deeper characterization. How could the “I” be developed further? Is there more you would like to know about the relationships between “characters”? Were some details “author oriented” instead of “audience oriented”?
I think your “I” can be developed further by choosing one friendship story and really plunging into the details, help your audience see and feel what you are in the situation. I think the piece is more “Author oriented” cecause you know the stories and are giving the summaries but not allowing the audience to experience and relive those stories with you.
4. Did the belief match up with the story? Offer some advice if you felt the piece moved toward a different conclusion.Comment on places to strengthen narrative coherence and narrative fidelity.
I think the belief was that friendship is important but I didn’t see a clear “I believe…” statement. I think your piece stated the conclusion of friendship well, but the story telling aspect could use some refining.
5. Make a suggestion or two for something the author could move, change, add, or delete.
I think your conclusion is a little wordy and hard to read, so simplifying the sentences and words would make it easier to understand.
You have a strong narrative that flows smoothly. I like how you don’t just have a linear progression like many of these stories tend to. However, I would like to see you introduce your belief earlier. While having it at the end of the first paragraph is usually good, your introduction is fairly long. It may fit well between your second and third sentences and give more structure to your introduction. Otherwise, the listener may not know where you are going with your stories spanning eight or so years. Besides that, I enjoyed reading your script. The conclusion brings everything together nicely and resolves the piece. I’m looking forward to seeing how you develop this. Great job!
1) I think the central conflict was forming lasting relationships rather than temporary ones. You could clarify this by focusing on one main story.
2) I feel that by trying to show too much about too wide of a time frame you lost some of the sensory detail. If you focused on one story you could really draw the audience in with lots of details that would enhance the central theme.
3) More details and a smaller story might help here too. You could make the situation more personal and yet more relatable/understandable to the reader by narrowing your story and adding more details within it.
4) I think the belief matched up well with the story, but it should be more clear on what exactly that belief is.
5) i like this overall. Maybe you could add a bit more of the main idea you discuss in the conclusion into the intro as well to make the overall message more cohesive.