I’ve enjoyed this course. So much of what we’ve learned, I’ve been able to apply directly to my life now. From meeting new people and asking questions, to understanding a bit more about the way groups work. It’s been a treasure trove of useful information!

There are two ways that I can see what we’ve learned about process consultation directly impacting my day to day life; the first is the way that I act with individuals and second is the way I observe groups.

As for individuals, process consultation as provided me with a new mindset, a new way to ask questions so that I can understand. Prior to this course, I thought that asking too many questions could be considered rude. But, since taking this course, I now understand that if my questions are rooted in the desire to understand, then there can never be too many questions, as long as my intentions to understand are true.

This course had taught me about the way that groups work. I love the model on the stages of problem-solving. I always thought that the hardest part of problem-solving was coming up with a consensus on the steps to take to solve the issue, not on what the true problem is. Understanding that discovering the problem and reaching agreement on the problem, is the most difficult step makes me more aware of the importance in slowing down and asking questions.

So, the overall take away from this course is the importance of the third principal, Access your ignorance. Since discovering the principle, I’ve found that I’m asking more questions and incorporating more silences into the conversation. It’s been a powerful and useful discovery.

I engage in face work every Tuesday at 9:30 AM. I meet with one of my employees to discuss what we see happening in the week ahead. The meeting is thirty minutes. Pre-COVID we met face to face and it was very productive. We spent a few minutes on personal life and the rest of the time discussing work. But, now that we’re no longer in the office, I’ve found that the meeting has become a social outlet for my employee.

After I fill her in about the week ahead and what she can expect, she launches into a monologue about the movies that she watched over the weekend, or the recipe that she tried, she tells me about her last trip to Disney World and how she can’t wait for the next one. Or, sometimes she just fills me in about her dog. I find it exhausting and feel my mind wandering, and feel that if it weren’t for my coffee, I’d fall asleep.

It’s cruel for me to be saying this. I’d like to tell her that I don’t care, but the fact is is that as her boss, I feel that I need to show her that I’m interested in her. I suppose that as her boss I could tell her that I’m not interested, but the thought of how that could hurt her prevents me from doing it. I need to be careful with my status as her superior. It shouldn’t be used in a way that could hurt her. So, I listen along and act interested in order to keep the balance of what’s expected from a supervisor and employee.

The first memory I have of experiencing a hidden agenda, was when I was eighteen. It was the spring semester of the senior year in high school. My closest friends were Kathy, Carrie, and Liz. We were inseparable. 

I had been wanting a new hairstyle for a while, so after much deliberation and discussion with my friends, I colored my hair so that it was almost black (which made my eyes look bluer). I was so excited about it and immediately went out with my friends to show them.

When I arrived home late that night I saw my mom. She looked at me, then my hair, then asked what my friends had to say about it. I told her they loved it. She said, “of course they would say that they want you to look bad so that they will look good.” I went to be devastated that my mom would say something so cruel about my friends. What difference does it matter to them if I look bad? I wondered.

The next morning, when I saw my mom, she said, “well, did you give your hair any more thought? Are you going to lighten it up, the way it was before?” I asked her, “do you want me to change my hair? Do you not like it?” That’s when the truth came out, she didn’t like it and wanted it to be blond like it was before. The whole reason she said that my friends want me to look bad, was so that she could make them out to be the bad guys and she wouldn’t have to tell me that she didn’t like it.

By not saying exactly what she felt about my hair, I lost trust in her – she hurt me, which is probably why, thirty years later, I still remember the incident. I’ve always kept an eye out for when she’s pushing a hidden agenda and have learned, thankfully, to ask her point-blank when she’s asking or saying something which seems disingenuous so that I can uncover if there’s something else going on.

At the beginning of June, the president of our organization told us that 250 employees would either be laid off or furloughed. At the end of June, the budgets for FY21 were finalized based on reduced staff and significant operating reductions. On July 2, we were told that layoffs would be happening over the next couple of weeks.

On Tuesday, July 7, my supervisor asked if I could get out of a critical meeting. I told her I couldn’t. She said, that she’d see if the team could reschedule. When I asked who the “team” was, she wouldn’t respond. Then, she told me that the meeting would be at 2 pm. I asked her if I needed to prepare anything and she said no. I then asked if I was getting laid off – our messages crossed in cyberspace. Her message to me was, “don’t worry, you’re not being laid off today”.

I had to continue through my 1 pm meeting as if nothing was wrong, although I was overly distracted, and couldn’t present as well as I usually do. Although I was distracted, I had to present as if nothing was wrong- it was what was expected of me in this meeting, to be very systematic and thorough. It was the first time that day that I would use face work to manage my social and professional expectations.

At 1:45, I got a text from my husband that his college friends would be arriving around 2 pm and to keep an ear out for them. He was running behind and wouldn’t be home until 3:30.

The call at 2 pm was worse than I could have imagined. I learned, with my team, that our friend and teammate had been found dead early that morning. When I got off that zoom call with red puffy eyes and tear-streaked cheeks, I had only five minutes or so, to pull myself together, splash cold water on my face, and become the hostess to my husband’s college friends.

For the next 48 hours, while they were in town, all I wanted to do was cry and mourn the loss of my friend but instead, I was upbeat and acting as if nothing had happened.

This is a pretty extreme example of face work. I shared with them what had transpired, but as the host, my social obligation is to my guests.

From your own experience, describe a situation in which you used active inquiry.

This blog prompt stumped me. I couldn’t think of a time when I’ve used active inquiry. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been around anyone for so long, or perhaps it’s because days are blending into the next that the thought of narrowing down on a specific time was daunting. I started to force myself to ask more questions, to my husband, my daughter, and my team. Simple things like if they said, “I had a great weekend” I asked, “what did you do that made it so great?” I pushed myself not to let a statement drop, but to think about it, and then ask a question about it.

I’ve been pushing myself to ask more questions when I’m having a conversation. I may ask for the definition of a word, why they used a particular intonation when they spoke, ask questions about what the effect of their comment or observation is on them—anything to keep the conversation going.

Today my daughter and I went on a hike. In the middle of the walk, when I was enjoying the minute of silence, she said, “so, what do you want to talk about?” I suggested we talk about what we like about the hike so far. She began to tell me about the rocks she likes to see, the little insects and fungi, the mud, and the sound it makes. She started to tell me a game that she and her friends play at school, what happened the last time they played the game, which then turned into a story about a time where her friend Alex helped her out and the way it made her feel.

This wonderful anecdote about the way her friend makes her feel all came from actively listening to her words and asking questions to understand the meaning behind her words better. I was making a very conscious effort to keep the conversation about her and to let her run with it. My only role was to listen and ask questions to reveal ideas, feelings, thoughts, or actions.