After chugging down a lot of medicine because I’m not feeling well again, here’s what I wrote in a medicine-filled stupor.

home.

i never had a concept

of what “home” was

i’ve simply never felt it.

no,

it’s not that i don’t

have a roof

over my

head.

nor that

i don’t have anyone

to care

for me

it’s just that

all these people

who are in my life

either have a hidden agenda

or just walk away and leave.

it’s always felt so cold,

so lonely,

so dark. i wish this wasn’t the case.

i’ve had no consistent relationships.

i’d always ruin them,

destroy them with all my fears and worries.

i always drive people away.

it’s still so cold.

the space is devoid of happiness,

and everywhere i turn,

only more darkness greets me.

but once i moved out for school,

out of that lonely structure

i’m forced to call “home”

i thought it would end. i thought the nightmare

was finally over.

but it never left.

always watching, always lingering.

empty of any warmth i had thoughts

thoughts to end it all.

maybe finally succumb

to what has been waiting for so long.

it took me a while

before i realized the few bonds

that i did have

were strong

and genuine.

finally, a spark erupted,

and for the first time

i truly felt warmth.

the only thing that kept me from taking my life.

one more bond came along,

and that was stronger than any other bond

that i could’ve imagined.

it was genuine. so genuine.

the warmth intensified.

and this feeling unbeknownst to me

followed suit.

but it finally felt like what i’ve been looking for.

finally,

i was home.