Welcome to Fandom Fight Force!

I’m Mike “Yub Nub” Shanley and sngä’i!

This week’s mashup will be a Native Knockout: Ewoks vs Na’vi

BEGIN!

BACKGROUND CHECK:

The Ewoks. Those little teddy bears that George Lucas introduced to the world in Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi. In fact, the Rebel Alliance probably would not have succeeded had it not been for these guys. The Ewoks were mainly responsible for bringing down the 501st Legion– the Empire’s best legion– and allowing the Rebels to deactivate the Death Star II’s shield generator. Ewoks stand at 1 meter high (about 3 feet) and are roughly the same size and weight as a human child. They are strong for their small stature, as many of their weapons involve clubs and in order to build their structures, heavy lifting is required. Ewoks have a coat of fur that ranges in color from brown to black to dark brown. This allows them to blend in with their natural habitat of California’s Redwood Fore– er… the forest moon of Endor. As a side note (and I really do apologize for this): the Ewoks ruined Jedi. They did, it was doing so well… and then teddy bears massacred the Galactic Empire’s best legion. OF STORMTROOPERS. We’ve been over stormtroopers in the Han Solo mashup. They’re armor isn’t exactly paper. It’s designed to withstand most forces. Except the Force. Anyway, even if the Rebels had handed the Ewoks battle plans, how… just how… I mean they’re teddy bears! Why…? Well, at least they aren’t the worst thing that Lucas threw into his movies…

NO! NO! GET OUT! YOU’RE DEAD TO ME! Y’HEAR? DEAD!

The Na’vi. You know these guys: Smurf Pocahantas Cats? I think that sums up a Na’vi pretty accurately, don’t you? (Side note: Ok, Jar Jar Binks is staring into my soul right now… kinda freakin’ me out. And making me really mad. Sorry). Anyway, the Na’vi hail from James Cameron’s Avatar planet Pandora. Pandora would be more like the Amazon while Endor is Calfornia’s Redwood forest. The Na’vi stand at an impressive 3 meters (10 feet) high and a whopping 355 pounds (on Earth). Their tiger-striped blue skin is useful for blending in with their home turf of the blue-filtered rain forest or comic-cons. Most impressive about the Na’vi is their strange USB-braid that they use to communicate with all the animals that have USB slot-braids on Pandora. This allows them to mentally hijack everything from horses to dragons, and making a much more symbiotic and pleasant relationship than other alien-body-hijack processes.

Yeah, that’s the exact same face the dragon made!

Similar to the Ewoks, the Na’vi were a primitive tribe of Smurf Iroquois when the big bad humans came in their big bad spaceships with their big bad guns and were, essentially, at the core of all this, both large AND negative. Then the righteous, morally superior Na’vi beat the humans (somehow) and everyone lives happily ever after.

TECHNOLOGY:

As we’re dealing with primitive societies here, it’s best to look at just how far they’ve come along in the tools and technology department.

The Ewoks, as mentioned before, use simple weapons like clubs. They normally wield stone tipped spears or clubs. They have developed archery, still using stone-tipped sticks as arrows. The truly spectacular thing about Ewoks is that, engineering wise, they’re incredibly advanced. In the Battle of Endor scene from Jedi you can see some of the remarkable things these cute little guys have built in order to bring death and destruction on the 501st Legion (Empire’s best. Just sayin’). Basic hunting traps: such as nets activated by tripwires, pit traps hidden under piles of dead leaves, and tripwires. But the Ewoks actually have technology similar to ancient siege weapons as well. They constructed was is essentially a battering ram made of 10-foot long logs that swing from the treetops to crush an armored vehicle into a pancake. And that is quite realistic: the Mythbusters tested it. That is no small feat for things with small feet. The Ewoks have also developed a simpler form of flight with their hunting hang gliders. These are used to fly above the trees and drop stones on their unsuspecting prey. Lastly, and probably most deadly, is that they have developed a neurotoxin that they tip their arrows in. This toxin spreads through the victims body paralyzing everything, even their lungs. It ensures a gruesome death indeed.

You came to the wrong neighborhood

The Na’vi have gone the technological route described in the first line of the popular nursery rhyme: “sticks and stones may break my bones,” and then they left before they could hear the end. However, they are quite proficient with their stone tools, as their culture tends to revolve around everyone knowing how to hunt. Also, we cannot forget their cool ability to mind meld with any animals that have a USB port in their head. One thing, although not technological, should be mentioned that I forgot to mention earlier. The Na’vi have a skeleton structure of a similar material makeup as carbon fiber. This makes their skeleton much stronger than both a human and Ewok skeleton.

OUTCOME:

The way I see it, there are a few outcomes actually. In order to level the playing field, let’s say that a group of warriors from each of these two civilizations were dropped into your average, everyday generic Earth forest (but not a California Redwood one). Because if they were to fight on either of their home turf, the visitors would lose. So generic Earth forest, and just so that they can use all their resources, it’s stocked with Pandoran animals.

INSTANT FIGHT:

In this scenario, the two groups are dropped into the Earth forest and immediately the fight begins. The Na’vi would send a group to go find some sort of Pandoran animal to help them out while another group would go to do some reconnaissance on the Ewoks. The Ewoks would send out some of their scouts, who would have better camouflage than the Na’vi, as more of our foliage is brown than blue. The remainder of the Ewoks would begin their defenses. Unfortunately, at this point, the Na’vi have probably found horses or, worse for the Ewoks, dragons and are mounting a full-on assault on the Teddy Bear Picnic. The fight would be swift and deadly.

Exactly like this. But with more Cyan Mohicans riding dragons

SEIGE:

Ok, so say, instead of an instant fight in this arena, it’s more maybe a Hunger Games rather than Gladiator. Say that the two groups are given time to prepare for the ensuing battle instead of just rushing in to end it as quickly as possible. Given preparation, a group of Ewoks could easily defeat the Na’vi. So the Na’vi would essentially go about the same plan as before and so would the Ewoks. However, this time, the Ewoks have much more time than say the 1-2 hours it takes for the Na’vi to find and then bond with their dragons or horses. Even with a day, the Ewoks could make enough pit traps and trip wires– relatively simple constructions– to effectively reduce the Na’vi’s numbers when they eventually come riding to their attacks. Then it’s only a simple matter of using those poison arrows to bring this Blue Man Group to their untimely demise.

“Our arrows will block out the sun. And then we’ll sing cute tribal gibberish as our enemies asphyxiate”