Spock vs. Legolas

spockolas

Welcome to Fandom Fight Force

I’m Mike Shanley of the Woodland Realm and live long and prosper!

This weak it’s a pointy-eared…pugilism?… an emotionless altercation?

Well, whatever it is, let’s BEGIN!

 BACKGROUND CHECK:

Spock is an alien who calls the planet Vulcan home. He is one of the most popular science-fiction characters of all time, originally being from Gene Roddenberry’s Star Trek. Despite being an alien, Spock is actually half human (on his mother’s side) because marriage equality has gone where no man has gone before in the future. This allows for Spock to be incredibly logical (which prevents him from getting most dates on Earth) while still retaining a better grasp of his feelings (which wouldn’t get him anywhere on Vulcan). He’s either the dryest human you’ll ever meet or the most passionate Vulcan, take your pick. Spock is the 1st Officer aboard the USS Enterprise and Chief Science Officer. He was among the top of his class in the Starfleet Academy and is a widely respected member of United Federation of Planets. As a Vulcan, Spock posesses super-human qualities, namely that of intelligence and strength. As I mentioned before, Vulcans really don’t have emotions, so that allows for them to think logically and clearly. It is general knowledge that a Vulcan is more intelligent than a human, as their brains are made up of layers.

Much like ogres. And parfait.

Much like ogres. And parfait.

Vulcans are roughly three times as strong as a human. In fact, if the alien/fantasy race is NOT human, it’s generally safe to assume that they are stronger than humans, but I digress. One thing worth mentioning is that a Vulcan’s heart is normally where a human kidney is. Vulcans also have super-sweet hidden abilities: telepathy and Vulcan neck-pinch. The telepathy is not as powerful as, say, a Betazoid but Vulcans can sense strong emotions and they have the ability to “mind-meld,” a sharing of thoughts between two individuals. Neat abilities, but Spock’s most well-known and popular ability is the Vulcan neck-pinch. It is a move that renders the recipient unconscious in a matter of milliseconds by pinching the victim’s trapezius nerve clusters, or the base of the neck for those not making up science-fiction universes.

Legolas of the Woodland Realm has a dad, despite every time being introduced goes by “Legolas of the Woodland Realm” while his friends get “Aragorn, son of Arathorn,” but, y’know, whatever man, it’s no big thing. Legolas is an elf whose main roles in Lord of the Rings are to shoot arrows, not understand human emotions, shoot arrows, pull completely over-the-top stunts, shoot arrows, and be the serious one in the comedy duo that is him and Gimli. Generally, he became the mold for whatever super-intelligent, pointy-eared race of beings that humans have to interact with in fantasy or science-fiction settings. Elves are superior in most factors to humans. They can see and hear better than humans and have a general perception better than men as well. They are faster and lighter than humans, being able to move silently and without trace. The only thing that elves do not have over men is physical strength. That is something I didn’t know about elves until today. Thank you for being with me on this momentous occasion.

I don't think this needs a caption. I can't be a comedic genius ALL the time!

I don’t think this needs a caption. I can’t be a comedic genius ALL the time!

EQUIPMENT

Spock doesn’t have time for carrying bulky weaponry. He only really needs his wits.

Ok, well, maybe he’ll need a weapon. But really, that’s all he’s getting. Starfleet uniforms offer virtually nothing when it comes to protection. From anything besides gentle breezes and cuddly kittens. Spock carries with him a type-2 Phaser. This shots a concentrated beam of energy at a target. The type-2 has various settings, ranging from frappe to facebook poke. (In non-sleep-deprived that is Disintegrate to mild stun). The Phaser can also be adjusted to be a cutting tool or shoot a phaser “spread,” an attack that covers more ground but is much weaker. Besides that, he normally carries nothing else except a tricorder, but that isn’t so much a weapon as it is a gps/vitals machine/smartphone.

Legolas, on the other hand, has a whole lot more to bring to the pointy-eared party. Legolas is most famous for his skill with the bow. This bow, given to him by the Lady Galadriel, is known as the Bow of Galadhrim and is made of Mallorn tree wood and elf hair. According to the Lady Galadriel, this makes it stronger and more reliable. Regardless of whatever advertising gimmicks the elves actually use, Legolas’ bow is a force to be reckoned with. Legolas also has two long knives that he is proficient in using, should enemies come to close to deal with a bow. Legolas’ armor consists of not really much better than Spock’s to be honest. He wears a simple cloth tunic over what I assume is a leather jerkin and that seems to be as protective as he gets. I mean, if he were to even touch a helmet, it would ruin his beautiful locks.

If the elves would just chill about their hair and wear a helmet, the casualty rates would plummet.

If the elves would just chill about their hair and wear a helmet, the casualty rates would plummet.

RESULTS:

Spock:

  • Stronger
  • Smarter
  • Telepathic
  • Vulcan neck-pinch
  • type-2 Phaser

Legolas:

  • Faster
  • Perceptive
  • Heightened Senses
  • Bow of Galadhrim
  • Dual Long Knives

Here’s how I see the battle going down:

Spock beams down onto the planet Middle-Earth. Immediately he scans the area for signs of life. The tricorder responds positive but nothing can be heard, save the wind. He draws his phaser and moves forward. Just in time, because thwick! and arrow lands just where he was standing. He fires, set on stun, in the direction the arrow fired from. A confirmed hit as Legolas plummets from the tree he was sniping from. Spock approaches with his tricorder, “Fascinating,” he mutters to himself, surprised to see a similar reading as a Vulcan with fascinating differences. His fascination is ended abruptly when Legolas springs up and whacks Spock with his bow. Spock, just blocks the attack, having been pre-warned telepathically. The two exchange blows, Legolas landing many weaker hits while Spock lands a few powered hits. It is a rather silent and calculated fistfight. Eventually, Spock gets a hold on his opponent: right on the neck. Legolas begins to sink to his knees as Spock applies more pressure to the trapezius cluster. Suddenly, Legolas grabs an arrow from his quiver and stabs it into Spock’s side, just missing his heart. Spock releases and Legolas draws his dual knives and levels them at Spock’s neck. “Any last words?” Legolas asks. Spock looks calmly at his opponent, before pulling out his communicator, “Beam me up, Scotty” and vanishes before Legolas’ eyes.

Legolas is the victor! Spock made the mistake of getting into a close-quarter combat with Legolas, who’s just too skilled at fighting!

I had to put this somewhere

I had to put this somewhere

Thanks for reading!

4 thoughts on “Spock vs. Legolas

  1. I am not a big into the science fiction genre, but I really enjoy your blog. I have seen the Lord of the Rings movies, but I didn’t REALLY watch them. Your posts give me a new understanding of these characters and I can go impress my friends with new knowledge.

  2. I can only imagine a movie in which these too meet. From very different times but the same emotional blankness. Your knowledge of science fiction is very apparent. You make this blog fun and witty, your description of the battle between Legolas and Spock was extremely well played out, Spock is definitely not the type to set his phaser to disintegrate on the first shot.

  3. I love reading your blog, it’s so amusing. Your argument is always very well thought out, it’s great that you do the research on each character and introduce it to us thoroughly. I didn’t know very much about either character, but now I feel like I have a healthy understanding (not too much, just enough to slightly impress some nerds). And the memes you put in are hilarious, my favorite is “The More You Know”!

  4. Once again this blog was exceptionally well done. It’s clear that you have really done your research and seem to know very much about the lore of the respective universes. The blog is extremely entertaining and hilarious. Kudos.

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