Welcome to Fandom Fight Force
I’m Mike “Always Snakes?” Shanley and where’s all the rum gone?
This week it’s a Treasure Hunter Challenge: Indiana Jones vs Captain Jack Sparrow
Indiana Jones is best known for his work as a professor of archaeology at Yale University. His exploits include lecturing hordes of nerds and dewy-eyed girls. Oh yes, and also he goes on wild adventures that re-write physics and civilization. I mean, really, the guy proves that magic exists in the world and that yes, indeed, there is some kind of higher power up there.
And he’s watching us…
His findings include golden idols, the ashes of a Chinese Emperor, a cross of gold, magic fire Chakra stones, the Ark of the Covenant, and the Freaking Holy Grail. Indy, as his resume shows, is an incredible problem solver. He has faced multiple booby traps: spiked ceilings, lava pits, rolling boulders, trash compacters (sorry, that’s Star Wars), Nazis, Thuggees, and snakes—always snakes. Yet somehow, the man retains a cocky grin on his face while facing certain death in the face.
Jack Sparrow–er, sorry. Captain Jack Sparrow is best known for starring as the lead character in Disney’s popular theme-park-ride-inspired movies Pirates of the Carribean. His hobbies include walking around like someone who’s just about to lose their motor skills, carrying the movie on his shoulders, and constantly inquiring where the rum has gone. Jack also lives in a world where the existence of magic and some kind of afterlife are confirmed. Jack, however, does not think that whatever it is should “belong in a museum” but rather, if it can’t be manipulated for his own purposes, then it should probably be stopped. He’s faced the undead, vaguely evil British people, cannibals, the undead, multiple backstabbers, and a kraken. Through these he’s stopped curses, awakened gods, fought aforementioned sea monsters and/or undead, and outsmarted those tricky Brits. His problem solving skills are questionable. As one unnamed and unimportant British guy from the third movie once said, “Do you think he plans it all ahead, or just makes it up as he goes along?”
Apparently his name is “Groves”. The man is a star, I tell ya.
Indiana Jones never leaves home or dangerous booby trap chambers without his hat. The man almost risked his arm for it. True, that’s not important to his equipment but really it had to be mentioned.
It happily retired to New England to spend more time with its wife, Fedora
In terms of actual supplies, Indy carries on him a whip that has some sort of feature that allows it to wrap around things like overhanging poles and people’s legs. It’s actually quite handy in a fight. What’s even handier is Indy’s sweet, sweet revolver: the Webley Green Army Model. It is his all-time favorite gun, seeing as he held onto it from Last Crusade all the way through the fourth movie that no one likes to talk about. The only other thing that Indy consistently has with him is his satchel. There really isn’t anything special about it, I mean it’s just a satchel.
Captain Jack Sparrow is another man who never leaves home or dangerous islands without his hat. He did, however, have the sense to leave it behind when he thought the Kraken was chasing him by following the hat’s scent.
You can see how bad it smells from here.
In terms of actual equipment, Jack has a whole assortment. First up is his sword—very important for all you pirate wannabes. Pirates need swords and Jack’s is a very fine one. The type of sword is called a hanger and is a few inches longer than the traditional pirate cutlass. He learned fencing from an Italian sword master in exchange for a stolen supply of silk. Italians. Along with his sword, Jack enjoys using his pistol now that he squared his revenge with Hector Barbossa.
“Dread Pirate Hector” struck too much fear into the hearts of his enemies
It is a single barrel, flintlock design .50 caliber pistol. Since it was made in the 1600s or whenever Pirates is supposed to take place, it can only fire one shot at a time and each new bullet has to be manually loaded via barrel. Efficiency at its finest. Lastly, Sparrow keeps a compass that doesn’t point north. Instead it points to whatever the user most desires. A nifty artifact that unfortunately doesn’t work all that well for Jack. Probably because of his more-than-slightly befuddled brainpan.
Ok, so, I don’t think that setting these two up to fight would be such a good idea. Also, that gets a little worn. Instead, what if the two were working against each other to find a treasure? I’d totally watch that movie. Alright so it’ll be in three categories: locating the treasure, fighting off people, and dealing with traps.
In order to locate the Mysterious Statue of Shanley’s Left Thumb, a series of cryptic clues would be left because I wouldn’t have much else to do either if I was in charge of guarding a thumb statue. If two treasure hunters would go about their usual way of finding out where it is, I’d have to say that the winner of this would be good ol’ Junior. Indiana Jones is a professor of archaeology—it’s literally his job to find out where hidden artifacts are. Sparrow gets all his knowledge on where things are located through rumor and Mr. Gibbs.
I really have no reason to put him in here. I just like Mr. Gibbs. What a gent.
Jack would be shortly behind him, but Jones would still be able to find the clues and solve the riddle before Jack would have time to say “Savvy?”
Shanley’s Left Thumb is a coveted prize. This dynamic duo aren’t the only ones after it. A horde of…uh… SKELETONAZIS are also looking for it. So what happens when our favorite adventurers cross paths with these unfriendly types? Fights, of course. Who wins though? That has to go to Jack. The man is simply more suited for and used to combat. A long sword is gonna do much more damage than a whip ever could. True, his pistol can’t fire as fast, but witty Jack also employs a great deal of trickery to his duels. He fought Davy Jones, King of the Sea, ol’ Tentacle-Beard himself! Indy’s greatest fight was against this guy:
I VILL GROUND YOU TO SCHNITZEL!
Even if you were to solve the head-scratching riddle (the answer was “head scratching”) and fought through gaunt Germans (led by Skelitler) you would still have to find your way through the deadly traps that guard the Statue of Shanley’s Left Thumb. Daunting tasks requiring skill, smarts, and knowledge in useless trivia.
Just kidding. It’s more skill
So, which one will emerge victorious? One of them would rush through the spike-filled pits and dart-spewing walls and somehow emerge, comically, unharmed. The other would certainly take his time but know exactly how to deal with each trap. The winner is… of course…. Naturally… Indiana Jones!
And then that awesome John Williams theme song plays.