Spiderman vs Ezio Auditore da Firenze

spideyezio

Hey! It’s this thing again!

I’m Mike “Spidey-Sense” Shanley and assassins don’t make funny quips

It’s a contest of climbers! Your friendly neighborhood Spiderman vs Ezio Auditore da Firenze, the assassin!

BEGIN!

 BACKGROUND CHECK:

Peter Parker was a normal nerd living in New York when one day on a field trip he was bitten by a radioactive spider. For some reason, radioactive spider-bites don’t kill people but instead transmute the genes so that, effectively, you become a spider-man. So that’s exactly what Peter did, become Spiderman. Well, that was after his father-figure obligatorily died (I mean it is comic-book/Disney law). Then he became Spiderman to do what all young Spidermen (Spidersman? Spidersmen? Spidersmans?) want to do when they grow up: run around New York City in a red body suit stopping crime and saying witty one-liners! Anyway, since young Peter is gifted with these spider powers this gives him a few advantages over your friendly neighborhood neighbor.

Hidey-ho neighbor! How's the crime fighting?

Hidey-ho neighbor! How’s the crime fighting?

Firstly, Spiderman has the proportional strength of a spider. According to marvel.wiki.com, this means Spidey can lift 20 tons above his head with his arms extended. That’s 260 times his own body weight. (Note: Spiders cannot lift 260 times their body weight, that would be truly terrifying). Secondly, he has the ability to climb up walls. Admittedly, that’s more of a gecko-power, but I’m willing to let it slide because Spiderman=best. Thirdly, his reflexes are enhanced to superhuman capabilities. His agility would put whomever holds the current title of Fastest Drawer in the West to shame. Lastly, and definitely not least, he has the Jedi-like power of Spider Sense. This allows Parker to sense danger in time for him to get out of the way fast enough. It certainly isn’t a guaranteed dodge, because a superhero that never is hit is boring. *cough cough Superman cough cough*

Ezio Auditore da Firenze is the assassin from the game Assassin’s Creed 2 and it’s many spinoffs. An assassin’s main job is to assassinate just as a Spiderman’s job is to spiderman. Ezio is a Florentine nobleman from the early 16th century and leader of the Italian chapter of Assassins. These assassins are responsible for killing corrupt and evil individuals. They only wish to achieve harmony and spread enlightenment, independence, and free will. God Bless America. Ezio’s got his start as one of these guys when he was a teenager after all the other male members of his family were killed. It turns out all his father’s friends (among them, Leonardo di Vinci and Copernicus) were in the Assassin’s Order and were secretly training him the whole time. So Ezio has all the skills that come with being an assassin. This means he’s a natural acrobat and warrior. He is a master of parkour, being able to scale multi-story buildings with few handholds in a manner of seconds. Ezio seems to have bitten by a radioactive eagle because he has the power of Eagle Sense.

I may glow green, but I bleed red, white, and blue! *fireworks*

I may glow green, but I bleed red, white, and blue! *fireworks*

It’s actually similar to Spider Sense… sorta. It heightens the sense to the point where he can pick out a single heartbeat from among a crowd. Even cooler, is that it allows him to be able to sense where someone has been and even cooler where they’re going next. I’d call that pretty dang useful in almost any situation.

EQUIPMENT

Spiderman doesn’t really have gadgets. Who do you think he is? the Batman? Do you see a utility belt anywhere? No. He deals with his enemies as God intended–with his fists…and nifty web slingers attached to his arms. Yes, that’s what God intended.

"And lo, the Lord doth said unto St. Balboa, 'I intend for everyone to fight only with fists. OH! And web-slingers. Dude, that'd be hella tight."- Book of Armaments Chapter 2

“And lo, the Lord doth said unto St. Balboa, ‘I intend for everyone to fight only with fists. OH! And web-slingers. Dude, that’d be hella tight.”- Book of Armaments Chapter 2

Other than that, Spidey doesn’t carry much else in the way of equipment. I apologize for yelling earlier, he does actually have a utility belt, but it’s nowhere near the magnitude of dear ol’ Bats. It’s really there to carry extra web fluid, and few other things. For instance, his belt buckle acts as his “Spider-signal” which is mainly used for flashy entrances or a flashlight. His belt also responds to his various Spider-tracers. These are homing beacons that he can throw and attach to things in order to track them down later. But for real this time, that’s all he’s got.

Ezio, on the other hand, is mostly made of tools. As a nobleman, Ezio is a natural at swordplay, so he never leaves home without one. Whether it’s his or someone he recently killed is irrelevant. Details, who needs ’em? Along with his sword he also carries a hook blade, which allows him to essentially zip line around and assist in climbing. Ezio also carries with him a small concealable pistol. Now it’s not very efficient or all that powerful as it is the early 16th century, but hey, he’s got a right to bear arms. And if all that fails, he still has a trick up his sleeve. Or rather, two tricks up both sleeves.

Get it? 'Cuz they're... y'know... up his... you got it? No? Yes? Oh ok, cool it's cool.

Get it? ‘Cuz they’re… y’know… up his… you got it? No? Yes? Oh ok, cool it’s cool.

All assassins have a hidden, spring action knife attached to their wrist so their murders can be even sneakier. It’s a lot like Spidey’s web slingers, except you must show your palm to the target rather than make a fist.

REVIEW

Spiderman

  • Super-strength
  • Heightened reflexes
  • Spider sense
  • Adhesive abilities
  • Web Slingers

Ezio

  • Hardcore Parkour
  • Warrior-acrobat
  • Sword and pistol
  • Hidden blade
  • Eagle Sense

Here’s how I think it would go:

Because we’re dealing with the MARVEL universe, general laws of physics can be safely ignored SO Ezio is brought to the present by… I dunno… Doc Oc and told to hunt down Spiderman. I’d read that comic. Anyway, so Ezio makes his way to a tall building across the street from the Daily Bugle and waits for Spiderman to make an appearance. Eventually, Parker, who is done for the day, dons his costume and climbs out the window to sit atop the Daily Bugle. Ezio sees his opportunity, aims his pistol and fires. Just as he is pulling the trigger, Spidey’s Spider Sense starts tingling and he gets out of there fast enough to dodge a bullet. He shoots a web across to the other building and swings over to land in front of Ezio. “Hey there! Miss me?” Ezio doesn’t laugh but instead tries to slash at  Spiderman with his sword. Spidey leaps over the sword and kicks Ezio back as he lands. This goes on for a bit until Ezio realizes that it’s no use to try the sword so he puts it away and takes a step back. “Y’know, I’m glad you put that down. Someone might’ve gotten hurt.” Ezio, once again, not laughing just stares at Spidey. “Wow tough crowd. Maybe you like the physical stuff better,” and he slings web at Ezio’s feet and pulls, effectively pulling his feet out from under him. “Y’know I’ve been known to sweep people off their feet,” Spiderman says as he runs towards the Assassin. Before Ezio can recover, Spiderman tackles him off the roof of the building. In the free-fall, Spidey pushes Ezio against the building and sticks him there using the web, 20 stories up. He, himself slides down the side and crawls back up. “Now I know you can get yourself out of that, but I wouldn’t recommend it.” and keeps on crawling up the building. Ezio, in fact, does exactly that and gives chase. Spidey just reaches the lip of the building when Ezio grabs his foot and pulls hard. Spiderman begins another free-fall, but shoots web to save himself. He swings once, then comes back around to grab Ezio off the side of the building. He lets go of the first bit of web to shoot another when he feels a searing pain in his current web-slinging hand. Ezio hidden-bladed Spiderman’s arm and now goes for the other one. But Spider Sense kicks in and Spiderman twists in mid-air to avoid it. Eagle Sense kicks in and Ezio double-stabs Spidey in the side. Wounded, but not dead, Spiderman grabs Ezio agains and shoots a line toward the nearest building. They swing at dangerous speeds towards the side of the building Ezio cushions Spiderman’s impact. The two slide down to street level where Spidey webs Ezio to a nearby lamppost and stumbles off, hoping he doesn’t run into any of his other “friends”.

Yes, the Amazing Spiderman is the victor! (to be honest, I may have been a bit biased, but I think this still makes sense: Spidey mortally wounded and Ezio completely defeated.)

1 thought on “Spiderman vs Ezio Auditore da Firenze

  1. I agree with your outcome, though I was skeptical at first. Ezio seems really skilled and has a lot more weapons, but you just can’t beat spidey; he’s a mutation, he’s genetically better than humans. I quietly laughed out loud at the ‘“And lo, the Lord doth said unto St. Balboa, ‘I intend for everyone to fight only with fists. OH! And web-slingers. Dude, that’d be hella tight.”- Book of Armaments Chapter 2″. Gold. hahah

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