Ok. Last one, best one. Here we go.

I’m Mike “Mike Shanley” Shanley and uh… there isn’t a second guy to base this joke on…

This week, I’m going to see who the ultimate victor out of all the characters I’ve analyzed (plus some extras.)

BEGIN!

BACKGROUND:

As I’m sure you can guess, I don’t actively follow “sports.” That is not to say I don’t know a darn thing about sports, I mean, I enjoy watching football and I frequently visit minor league baseball games. But as a registered geek, it’s not my number one pastime.

Although Fantasy Football still counts as fantasy. Just with less swords.

So I’m not good at running/catching/throwing (at the same time? Geez…) but what I do like, for some reason, is the bracket. Like the ones for March Madness. Maybe it’s because I’m a nerd and it’s a flowchart or maybe in a past life I was the guy who invented the bracket. Whatever. I really enjoy the bracket when the participants are not the usual college basketball teams. So this week, I made a bracket featuring all of the past combatants from previous weeks plus a couple extras in order to make the bracket work.

FIRST ROUND:

Left Side

• Malcom Reynolds beats Han Solo
• Thing beats Mr. Incredible
• Mr. Fantastic beats Elastigirl
• Violet beats Invisible Woman
• Dash beats Human Torch
• Marty McFly (Back to the Future) beats Bill n’ Ted (Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure): Marty has a car time machine and is just smarter than Bill and/or Ted who go through time with a phone booth.
• Mike “Mike Shanley” Shanley beats Jack-Jack: Ok, how the heck do I beat a super-baby, you ask? In the short, “Jack-Jack Attack,” Kari the babysitter is able to fend off Jack-Jack for like, a week, and survives to tell about it. Kari is, what, 16? Man, I could babysit the diaper off of Jack-Jack
• Stormtrooper beats Red Shirt

Top Right

• Link beats Aragorn
• Na’vi beats Ewok
• Legolas beats Spock
• Aang beats Sora
• Indiana Jones beats Jack Sparrow
• Spiderman beats Ezio the Assassin
• Queen Elsa (Frozen) beats Rapunzel (Tangled): Although Rapunzel is pretty fierce with a frying pan and her hair; Elsa actually can attack/defend with her magic
• Eragon (Eragon) beats Luke Skywalker (Star Wars): The two are practically the same person. I’d go on a long arduous rant about how the plot of A New Hope and Eragon are the exact same but I won’t. Instead, I’ll just say that Eragon’s control over magic is more useful in combat than Luke’s mastery over the force. Plus, Eragon has his backup reserve strength of Saphira and Glaedr.

SECOND ROUND:

• Thing beats Mal: the Thing is a rock monster with super strength. Really, only superheroes can damage him. Sorry, Mal.
• Mr. Fantastic beats Violet: Violet may have been able to defeat his wife, but Mr. Fantastic is a powerful force to be reckoned with and Violet does not have adequate control over her powers yet.
• Marty McFly beats Dash: What? But Dash is a superhero! Yes, but think about it: Dash can run fast enough to run on water. That’s cute. Marty travels through time. That’s much more than the speed of light. Plus, if it came to a fist-fight, Marty’s a teenager and Dash is in 4th grade. Do the math.
• Mike “Mike Shanley” Shanley beats the Stormtrooper: Stormtroopers cannot aim. They cannot hit me. If I get any kind of weapon I win.
• Link beats the Na’vi: Link is simply more equipped to fight. Na’vi have spears and, at best, a dragon. Link has fought much worse opponents.
• Aang beats Legolas: This one was hard. Both are unbelievably fast. Legolas is good with close combat and ranged, but Aang is the avatar after all. It wouldn’t take much to a) burn Legolas to a crisp, b) freeze/drown him, c) crush him with rocks or d) umm…. blow him away. Air bending kinda sucks.
• Spiderman beats Indiana Jones: Funny. I could’ve done this. Both swing around a lot and make annoying quips while fighting. But in the end, Spidey is a superhero, having the proportional strength of a spider and all. Also, as an addendum SPIDERMAN.
• Eragon beats Elsa: Looks like Elsa let this one go. (Get it? Heh. heh. please laugh). As much as I’d love to see a Disney character go to the top and/or anyone beat Eragon (the movie was TERRIBLE), I’m gonna be fair and say that Eragon is more powerful than the Ice Queen.

THIRD ROUND:

• Mr. Fantastic beats Thing: Ok, so the Thing is super strong rock thing. Well, Mr. Fantastic is a super-powerful rubber band. Does rock beat rubber band? No. If you try to beat up rubber, nothing happens, because it’s rubber. Blunt attacks (all of the Thing’s attacks) don’t work on rubber.
• Mike “Mike Shanley” Shanley beats Marty McFly: Ok, so here’s how it is. I have watched all of the Back to the Future movies. Multiple times. I know Marty’s weakness (call him chicken. LAAAAAAME). So I do that to incite him to fight, make him angry then lay my mad karate skills. Like seriously, I am a black belt. I could take Marty McFly any day of the week.
• Aang beats Link: Link has fought many demigods (well, actually just Gannondorf, but he’s done it a bunch of times) and super-powerful beings and he has talked with the gods themselves. BUT Aang is an unpredictable, speedy little demigod. If there’s one thing that Link doesn’t seem to handle well is unpredictability. Not to mention any magic attacks Link fires off can just be bent out of the way by Aang’s (insert element) bending.
• Eragon beats Spiderman: Eragon is making me mad. I don’t want him to go this far, but seriously, he could beat Spiderman. Eragon has all of an elf’s skills– that includes being more agile and durable than a human as well as stronger. Just give him the ability to climb walls and he is Spiderman. With a sword. So because they’re equally matched physically, Eragon can also use awesome magic to take down the web-slinger.

FOURTH ROUND:

• Mike “Mike Shanley” Shanley beats Mr. Fantastic: “Seriously?” I can hear you say. Lemme explain. Since I know I’m going into battle against Mr. Fantastic, I know my strategy: tie the guy in knots. That’s one thing that rubber can’t fight against: itself. Also, as a Boy Scout, 90% of the time was spent learning how to tie knots. The other 10% was spent alternating between frisbee, playing with fire, and playing with knives.
• Aang beats Eragon: FINALLY! Oh sweet relief. Ok, so why can the Last Airbender beat the Last Dragon Rider? Because avatar state. Aang would have to use it against Eragon. Thus making him nearly all-powerful and Eragon had trouble fighting an older Dragon Rider. This, plus, Aang’s bending attacks are near instantaneous, while Eragon’s magic is slightly delayed because he needs the words of power.

FINAL ROUND:

Alright, let’s look at the facts:

Aang is the avatar, master of all four elements and the bridge between the physical and spirit worlds. He hails from the Southern Air Temple where he was raised as an Air Nomad. At the age of 12, he was informed by the monks of the Air Temple that he was indeed the Avatar. This frightened him, so he ran off with his giant flying bison and accidentally froze the two of them in an iceberg. 100 years passed, during which the Fire Nation attacked and enslaved about half of the world and committed genocide on the Air Nomads. Aang was released from his icy cocoon by Katara, a water-bender, and Sokka, the comedic relief of the series. In about a year, he learned how to bend all four elements (air, water, earth, fire) and defeated the Fire Lord at his most powerful. Aang, despite all this heavy stuff happening to him, faces the world with the blind optimism of a puppy.

The lesson here is that your puppy might just be the Avatar.

As an air nomad, Aang’s fighting style includes a lot of agile moves, quick attacks, and acrobatics. This style has gotten him through many fights with opponents bigger and stronger than he. As an air nomad, Aang’s fighting style includes a lot of agile moves, quick attacks, and acrobatics. This style has gotten him through many fights with opponents bigger and stronger than he. Aang, as avatar, knows the disciplines of all four elemental bending, meaning he can use wind, water, fire, and earth to fight. Aang’s weapon of choice is his air-glider staff. Normally it looks like a simple wooden staff, but when activated, it sprouts wings and allows Aang to hang on and glide on the wind with the help of air bending. The four elements, as mentioned earlier, are air, water, earth, and fire. Air bending is what comes most naturally to Aang and he uses it the most often. Although it isn’t a very offensive form of bending, it has its uses. It aids Aang move faster than a usual person and can blow people off their feet. Fire-bending is definitely the most offensive form of bending. Almost as simple as earth bending, it is essentially throwing fireballs at other people. Aang knows the more traditional Sun-warrior form but seeing as I don’t know any bending forms at all, Aang should be ok.

Does Thumb-bending count? ‘Cause I’m good at that!

Water bending requires that water be nearby. Water bending also allows Aang to control ice, one of the most powerful attacks of a water bender. Water bending is mainly used as a cutting tool and is based on the idea of using your opponents’ attack against themselves. Earth bending is perhaps the simplest. It is, essentially, throwing rocks with magic at very high speeds. It is the most powerful form of bending and requires large powerful movements in order to properly bend. What is especially significant about being the avatar is that it allows Aang to activate something known as the “Avatar State,” his powers become much stronger and he can harness the powers of past avatars in this state as well. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that he can access the thoughts, council, and memories of previous avatars? Well he can. Google Help can suck it.

I am real. Aang is not. I win.

Think this calls for a thumbs-up!

So I did it. I won. I beat all these losers and won my own game! Is that anti-climactic? Yes! Kind of lame? Indeed! Did I rig it so that I could win? Most definitely! This isn’t about you, besides who doesn’t want to go toe-to-toe with their favorite characters and win? Probably no one. Oh well, I hope you enjoyed reading these. Here’s the End:

Blah Blah Blah, you know the drill

I’m Mike “Set to Stun” Shanley and those were the droids I was looking for!

This week I’m relaxing in a Hawaiian shirt and making the two biggest goofs in the galaxy go at it– the ill-fated Red Shirt and the poor-shot Stormtrooper!

BEGIN

 BACKGROUND:

Alright, here’s how it is. The Stormtroopers from Star Wars are the foot soldiers of the evil Empire. Constantly pursuing our heroes throughout the galaxy, you are never too far from a stormtrooper. Aside from doing the Emperor’s dirty work, they also service to do that other Emperor’s dirty work: being George Lucas’ comedic relief.

It’s true. We have group therapy every Wednesday.

Stormtroopers, as frightening as their frowning faces are, actually are some of the goofiest characters in the series. When you really get to know them, they’re about as intimidating as my great aunt Zelda at Hannukah. The reason for the harmlessness is because of one simple reason: Stormtroopers can’t aim worth the Jedi Credits they’re paid. (“But Mike!” I hear you saying to your computers from back here where I’m sitting, “Stormtroopers aren’t paid in Jedi Credits! This is the Empire!” “Yes,” I’d say, “but this is also the ramblings of a nerd who thinks he’s the next Louis CK,”) Anyway, Stormtroopers are notoriously bad shots. Just watch any scene involving stormtroopers trying to shoot things. Just slap the Benny Hill theme song and speed up  the footage and that’s comedic gold! C-3P0 and R2-D2 walk through the middle of intense firefights and remain unscathed! Multiple times! Harmless droids! Luke and Leia are able to take the time to get their grappling hook out, throw it onto a nearby pipe, grab each other, remain pretty much stationary and swing across a chasm while the stormtroopers try to shoot them. I’d list more examples but I think the picture is pretty clear. Stormtroopers are bad shots and that’s why the fans love them. Personally I think stormtroopers are some of the greatest comedy elements of the film whenever they’re not attacking. They bumble around and look forlorn about it! After monkeys and the Nittany Lion doing human things, these guys are number three on things that always make me laugh.

Ah, the Red Shirt. Poor, poor Red Shirt. We never know your name, although it’s probably something like Ensign O’Reilly or Lieutenant Midgen, but who cares? All that matters is that shirt on your back. That shirt of red that leads to your attack. In a cruel twist of fate the color is red. Just like your blood, now that you’re dead. *snap snap snap* Thank you, thank you, you’re all too kind. So anyway, the Red Shirt from the Original Series of Star Trek means that you either work in engineering or security (as to why these two unrelated branches have to wear the same colors, I’ll never know). It really isn’t a problem if you’re in engineering; for crying out loud, look at Scotty– the man wore a red shirt the entire series and didn’t die once!

–Montgomery “The Most Interesting Man in the Galaxy” Scott

So besides Scotty’s intimate dance with death, what I really mean to touch upon is the fact that the security folks in red are the ones in trouble. On your average episode of Star Trek the USS Enterprise discovers some planet and Kirk decides that going down on that planet is a good idea. So he takes his finest wingmen, Spock and Dr. McCoy, for analytic and medical reasons, and maybe Sulu or Chekov or Uhura if they know something valuable. But it could be a hostile planet and it’s always good to have extra bodi–er–hands. So Kirk grabs one or two random crew members in red shirts on his way out. Probably within the first five minutes, the all-powerful alien residing on the planet has turned these extra people to dust or disintegrated their bones or turned them inside out. Gene Roddenberry (the creator of Star Trek) used these hapless nameless human sacrifices to show the dangers of the planet without killing off the beloved captain or his buddies. But to the fans, it became a widely popular inside joke. So popular in fact, that when I went to see Star Trek: This Time with Benedict Cumberbatch, when Chekov put on the red shirt, half the theater gasped in horror (“Oh God! Chekov’s gonna die!/I dropped my popcorn!”) Basically, the glorious Red Shirt has become synonymous with death itself and any caught wearing the ill-fated article of clothing is to be avoided like the plague.

Live Long and Prosper… Except you Red Shirts. Die soon and impoverished.

EQUIPMENT

Actually I’m not doing that this week.

RESULTS

That’s more like it. See, this isn’t so much a duel as it is a philosophical question. Like, “If a tree falls in the middle of a forest, and no one can hear it does it make a sound?” (Yes, by the way, duh). Or “If cats always land on their feet and bread always falls butter side down, what happens if you attach a piece of buttered bread to a cat’s back, butter-side up?” (The answer is, of course, the cat spins in midair in perpetual motion and that is how infinite energy is created.) So here, the question is “If a Stormtrooper, who can never hit anything, is in battle with with a Red Shirt, who must die, what happens?” It’s like an unstoppable force/unmovable object sorta deal. Something’s gotta give. In this case, I came to a few conclusions.

Conclusion 1

Lets say that The Stormtrooper and The Red Shirt are in some kind of arena. The Stormtrooper will try, with all his might to shoot that pesky Red Shirt, but cannot land a hit. Then either a freak accident will occur, instantly killing the Red Shirt, or the Red Shirt is able to shoot Stormtrooper but then the freak accident occurs.

Say, that gravy pouch that Lucas is trying to pass for a neck bursts and the resulting gravy flood crashes into the arena

Conclusion 2

If they were on some kind of natural Hunger Games-esque arena or some kind of alien planet, then it’s quite obvious that the Stormtrooper wouldn’t even have to move a finger. The natural wildlife would be upon the Red Shirt faster than he could say, “Oh God, why am I here? Is this some kind of thought experiment?” Or the Red Shirt would kill the Stormtrooper then die of hunger or some other freak accident.

Ultimate Conclusion

The Red Shirt will always die, but does that mean the Stormtrooper wins? He either ends up dead or just the lucky survivor. This is a lose-lose situation. Unless you count survival without honor as winning. And seeing how none of you reading are actually feudal samurai (as far as I can tell) then surviving without honor is winning. Okay, alright, fine. The Stormtrooper wins. Happy?

Ecstatic!

Hey! It’s this thing again!

I’m Mike “Spidey-Sense” Shanley and assassins don’t make funny quips

It’s a contest of climbers! Your friendly neighborhood Spiderman vs Ezio Auditore da Firenze, the assassin!

BEGIN!

 BACKGROUND CHECK:

Peter Parker was a normal nerd living in New York when one day on a field trip he was bitten by a radioactive spider. For some reason, radioactive spider-bites don’t kill people but instead transmute the genes so that, effectively, you become a spider-man. So that’s exactly what Peter did, become Spiderman. Well, that was after his father-figure obligatorily died (I mean it is comic-book/Disney law). Then he became Spiderman to do what all young Spidermen (Spidersman? Spidersmen? Spidersmans?) want to do when they grow up: run around New York City in a red body suit stopping crime and saying witty one-liners! Anyway, since young Peter is gifted with these spider powers this gives him a few advantages over your friendly neighborhood neighbor.

Hidey-ho neighbor! How’s the crime fighting?

Firstly, Spiderman has the proportional strength of a spider. According to marvel.wiki.com, this means Spidey can lift 20 tons above his head with his arms extended. That’s 260 times his own body weight. (Note: Spiders cannot lift 260 times their body weight, that would be truly terrifying). Secondly, he has the ability to climb up walls. Admittedly, that’s more of a gecko-power, but I’m willing to let it slide because Spiderman=best. Thirdly, his reflexes are enhanced to superhuman capabilities. His agility would put whomever holds the current title of Fastest Drawer in the West to shame. Lastly, and definitely not least, he has the Jedi-like power of Spider Sense. This allows Parker to sense danger in time for him to get out of the way fast enough. It certainly isn’t a guaranteed dodge, because a superhero that never is hit is boring. *cough cough Superman cough cough*

Ezio Auditore da Firenze is the assassin from the game Assassin’s Creed 2 and it’s many spinoffs. An assassin’s main job is to assassinate just as a Spiderman’s job is to spiderman. Ezio is a Florentine nobleman from the early 16th century and leader of the Italian chapter of Assassins. These assassins are responsible for killing corrupt and evil individuals. They only wish to achieve harmony and spread enlightenment, independence, and free will. God Bless America. Ezio’s got his start as one of these guys when he was a teenager after all the other male members of his family were killed. It turns out all his father’s friends (among them, Leonardo di Vinci and Copernicus) were in the Assassin’s Order and were secretly training him the whole time. So Ezio has all the skills that come with being an assassin. This means he’s a natural acrobat and warrior. He is a master of parkour, being able to scale multi-story buildings with few handholds in a manner of seconds. Ezio seems to have bitten by a radioactive eagle because he has the power of Eagle Sense.

I may glow green, but I bleed red, white, and blue! *fireworks*

It’s actually similar to Spider Sense… sorta. It heightens the sense to the point where he can pick out a single heartbeat from among a crowd. Even cooler, is that it allows him to be able to sense where someone has been and even cooler where they’re going next. I’d call that pretty dang useful in almost any situation.

EQUIPMENT

Spiderman doesn’t really have gadgets. Who do you think he is? the Batman? Do you see a utility belt anywhere? No. He deals with his enemies as God intended–with his fists…and nifty web slingers attached to his arms. Yes, that’s what God intended.

“And lo, the Lord doth said unto St. Balboa, ‘I intend for everyone to fight only with fists. OH! And web-slingers. Dude, that’d be hella tight.”- Book of Armaments Chapter 2

Other than that, Spidey doesn’t carry much else in the way of equipment. I apologize for yelling earlier, he does actually have a utility belt, but it’s nowhere near the magnitude of dear ol’ Bats. It’s really there to carry extra web fluid, and few other things. For instance, his belt buckle acts as his “Spider-signal” which is mainly used for flashy entrances or a flashlight. His belt also responds to his various Spider-tracers. These are homing beacons that he can throw and attach to things in order to track them down later. But for real this time, that’s all he’s got.

Ezio, on the other hand, is mostly made of tools. As a nobleman, Ezio is a natural at swordplay, so he never leaves home without one. Whether it’s his or someone he recently killed is irrelevant. Details, who needs ’em? Along with his sword he also carries a hook blade, which allows him to essentially zip line around and assist in climbing. Ezio also carries with him a small concealable pistol. Now it’s not very efficient or all that powerful as it is the early 16th century, but hey, he’s got a right to bear arms. And if all that fails, he still has a trick up his sleeve. Or rather, two tricks up both sleeves.

Get it? ‘Cuz they’re… y’know… up his… you got it? No? Yes? Oh ok, cool it’s cool.

All assassins have a hidden, spring action knife attached to their wrist so their murders can be even sneakier. It’s a lot like Spidey’s web slingers, except you must show your palm to the target rather than make a fist.

REVIEW

Spiderman

• Super-strength
• Heightened reflexes
• Spider sense
• Adhesive abilities
• Web Slingers

Ezio

• Hardcore Parkour
• Warrior-acrobat
• Sword and pistol
• Hidden blade
• Eagle Sense

Here’s how I think it would go:

Because we’re dealing with the MARVEL universe, general laws of physics can be safely ignored SO Ezio is brought to the present by… I dunno… Doc Oc and told to hunt down Spiderman. I’d read that comic. Anyway, so Ezio makes his way to a tall building across the street from the Daily Bugle and waits for Spiderman to make an appearance. Eventually, Parker, who is done for the day, dons his costume and climbs out the window to sit atop the Daily Bugle. Ezio sees his opportunity, aims his pistol and fires. Just as he is pulling the trigger, Spidey’s Spider Sense starts tingling and he gets out of there fast enough to dodge a bullet. He shoots a web across to the other building and swings over to land in front of Ezio. “Hey there! Miss me?” Ezio doesn’t laugh but instead tries to slash at  Spiderman with his sword. Spidey leaps over the sword and kicks Ezio back as he lands. This goes on for a bit until Ezio realizes that it’s no use to try the sword so he puts it away and takes a step back. “Y’know, I’m glad you put that down. Someone might’ve gotten hurt.” Ezio, once again, not laughing just stares at Spidey. “Wow tough crowd. Maybe you like the physical stuff better,” and he slings web at Ezio’s feet and pulls, effectively pulling his feet out from under him. “Y’know I’ve been known to sweep people off their feet,” Spiderman says as he runs towards the Assassin. Before Ezio can recover, Spiderman tackles him off the roof of the building. In the free-fall, Spidey pushes Ezio against the building and sticks him there using the web, 20 stories up. He, himself slides down the side and crawls back up. “Now I know you can get yourself out of that, but I wouldn’t recommend it.” and keeps on crawling up the building. Ezio, in fact, does exactly that and gives chase. Spidey just reaches the lip of the building when Ezio grabs his foot and pulls hard. Spiderman begins another free-fall, but shoots web to save himself. He swings once, then comes back around to grab Ezio off the side of the building. He lets go of the first bit of web to shoot another when he feels a searing pain in his current web-slinging hand. Ezio hidden-bladed Spiderman’s arm and now goes for the other one. But Spider Sense kicks in and Spiderman twists in mid-air to avoid it. Eagle Sense kicks in and Ezio double-stabs Spidey in the side. Wounded, but not dead, Spiderman grabs Ezio agains and shoots a line toward the nearest building. They swing at dangerous speeds towards the side of the building Ezio cushions Spiderman’s impact. The two slide down to street level where Spidey webs Ezio to a nearby lamppost and stumbles off, hoping he doesn’t run into any of his other “friends”.

Yes, the Amazing Spiderman is the victor! (to be honest, I may have been a bit biased, but I think this still makes sense: Spidey mortally wounded and Ezio completely defeated.)

Welcome to Fandom Fight Force

I’m Mike “Always Snakes?” Shanley and where’s all the rum gone?

This week it’s a Treasure Hunter Challenge: Indiana Jones vs Captain Jack Sparrow

BEGIN

BACKGROUND CHECK:

Indiana Jones is best known for his work as a professor of archaeology at Yale University. His exploits include lecturing hordes of nerds and dewy-eyed girls. Oh yes, and also he goes on wild adventures that re-write physics and civilization. I mean, really, the guy proves that magic exists in the world and that yes, indeed, there is some kind of higher power up there.

And he’s watching us…

His findings include golden idols, the ashes of a Chinese Emperor, a cross of gold, magic fire Chakra stones, the Ark of the Covenant, and the Freaking Holy Grail. Indy, as his resume shows, is an incredible problem solver. He has faced multiple booby traps: spiked ceilings, lava pits, rolling boulders, trash compacters (sorry, that’s Star Wars), Nazis, Thuggees, and snakes—always snakes. Yet somehow, the man retains a cocky grin on his face while facing certain death in the face.

Jack Sparrow–er, sorry. Captain Jack Sparrow is best known for starring as the lead character in Disney’s popular theme-park-ride-inspired movies Pirates of the Carribean. His hobbies include walking around like someone who’s just about to lose their motor skills, carrying the movie on his shoulders, and constantly inquiring where the rum has gone. Jack also lives in a world where the existence of magic and some kind of afterlife are confirmed. Jack, however, does not think that whatever it is should “belong in a museum” but rather, if it can’t be manipulated for his own purposes, then it should probably be stopped. He’s faced the undead, vaguely evil British people, cannibals, the undead, multiple backstabbers, and a kraken. Through these he’s stopped curses, awakened gods, fought aforementioned sea monsters and/or undead, and outsmarted those tricky Brits. His problem solving skills are questionable. As one unnamed and unimportant British guy from the third movie once said, “Do you think he plans it all ahead, or just makes it up as he goes along?”

Apparently his name is “Groves”. The man is a star, I tell ya.

EQUIPMENT

Indiana Jones never leaves home or dangerous booby trap chambers without his hat. The man almost risked his arm for it. True, that’s not important to his equipment but really it had to be mentioned.

It happily retired to New England to spend more time with its wife, Fedora

In terms of actual supplies, Indy carries on him a whip that has some sort of feature that allows it to wrap around things like overhanging poles and people’s legs. It’s actually quite handy in a fight. What’s even handier is Indy’s sweet, sweet revolver: the Webley Green Army Model. It is his all-time favorite gun, seeing as he held onto it from Last Crusade all the way through the fourth movie that no one likes to talk about. The only other thing that Indy consistently has with him is his satchel. There really isn’t anything special about it, I mean it’s just a satchel.

Captain Jack Sparrow is another man who never leaves home or dangerous islands without his hat. He did, however, have the sense to leave it behind when he thought the Kraken was chasing him by following the hat’s scent.

You can see how bad it smells from here.

In terms of actual equipment, Jack has a whole assortment. First up is his sword—very important for all you pirate wannabes. Pirates need swords and Jack’s is a very fine one. The type of sword is called a hanger and is a few inches longer than the traditional pirate cutlass. He learned fencing from an Italian sword master in exchange for a stolen supply of silk. Italians. Along with his sword, Jack enjoys using his pistol now that he squared his revenge with Hector Barbossa.

“Dread Pirate Hector” struck too much fear into the hearts of his enemies

It is a single barrel, flintlock design .50 caliber pistol. Since it was made in the 1600s or whenever Pirates is supposed to take place, it can only fire one shot at a time and each new bullet has to be manually loaded via barrel. Efficiency at its finest. Lastly, Sparrow keeps a compass that doesn’t point north. Instead it points to whatever the user most desires. A nifty artifact that unfortunately doesn’t work all that well for Jack. Probably because of his more-than-slightly befuddled brainpan.

OUTCOME:

Ok, so, I don’t think that setting these two up to fight would be such a good idea. Also, that gets a little worn. Instead, what if the two were working against each other to find a treasure? I’d totally watch that movie. Alright so it’ll be in three categories: locating the treasure, fighting off people, and dealing with traps.

Locating:

In order to locate the Mysterious Statue of Shanley’s Left Thumb, a series of cryptic clues would be left because I wouldn’t have much else to do either if I was in charge of guarding a thumb statue. If two treasure hunters would go about their usual way of finding out where it is, I’d have to say that the winner of this would be good ol’ Junior. Indiana Jones is a professor of archaeology—it’s literally his job to find out where hidden artifacts are. Sparrow gets all his knowledge on where things are located through rumor and Mr. Gibbs.

I really have no reason to put him in here. I just like Mr. Gibbs. What a gent.

Jack would be shortly behind him, but Jones would still be able to find the clues and solve the riddle before Jack would have time to say “Savvy?”

Fighting:

Shanley’s Left Thumb is a coveted prize. This dynamic duo aren’t the only ones after it. A horde of…uh… SKELETONAZIS are also looking for it. So what happens when our favorite adventurers cross paths with these unfriendly types? Fights, of course. Who wins though? That has to go to Jack. The man is simply more suited for and used to combat. A long sword is gonna do much more damage than a whip ever could. True, his pistol can’t fire as fast, but witty Jack also employs a great deal of trickery to his duels. He fought Davy Jones, King of the Sea, ol’ Tentacle-Beard himself! Indy’s greatest fight was against this guy:

I VILL GROUND YOU TO SCHNITZEL!

Traps:

Even if you were to solve the head-scratching riddle (the answer was “head scratching”) and fought through gaunt Germans (led by Skelitler) you would still have to find your way through the deadly traps that guard the Statue of Shanley’s Left Thumb. Daunting tasks requiring skill, smarts, and knowledge in useless trivia.

Just kidding. It’s more skill

So, which one will emerge victorious? One of them would rush through the spike-filled pits and dart-spewing walls and somehow emerge, comically, unharmed. The other would certainly take his time but know exactly how to deal with each trap. The winner is… of course…. Naturally… Indiana Jones!

And then that awesome John Williams theme song plays.

Welcome to Fandom Fight Force!

I’m Mike “Kingdom Key” Shanley and everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

This week (due to budget cuts) we had to drop some jokes.

BEGIN!

BACKGROUND CHECK:

Sora is the main protagonist from Square Enix’s Kingdom Hearts franchise: a clever hybrid of famous RPG Final Fantasy and Disney. That being said, Sora has the personality you’d expect from a Disney character and the fashion sense and hairstyle of an RPG character. He is stuck with your typical, “young, bored boy is suddenly plunged into an adventure of action and wild fantasy” plot when he discovers he can wield a magic weapon called the Keyblade and his home is sucked into darkness. He teams up with Donald Duck and Goofy to take on evil throughout the various worlds (such as Agrabah, Halloweentown, Olympus, etc.) all the while searching for/protecting his other friends Kairi and Riku. It’s a very complicated plot, and if you’re at all interested, may I suggest looking it up. It has its own Wiki. Basically, he’s a naive, headstrong teen who meets dozens of Disney characters and prevents the universe as they know it from descending into chaos

This doesn’t even cover the philosophical and metaphysical components of the universe,

A few traits of Sora’s are important to know. Firstly, he can glide through the air after being sprinkled with Tinkerbell’s fairy-dust. Secondly, he can use magic, but more on that later. Thirdly, he can perform a variety of special attacks that can dish out a lot more damage than normal. Lastly, by harnessing the power of Donald and/or Goofy and his magic clothes given to him by the Good Fairies from Sleeping Beauty he can go into different Drive Forms: Valor (granting him two Keyblades), Wisdom (he skates along the ground and shoots magic missiles from his Keyblade), Master (a combination of Valor and Wisdom), and Final (the most powerful of all the forms). See? This is just basic gameplay stuff and already it’s confusing!

Aang is the avatar, master of all four elements and the bridge between the physical and spirit worlds. He hails from the Southern Air Temple where he was raised as an Air Nomad. At the age of 12, he was informed by the monks of the Air Temple that he was indeed the Avatar. This frightened him, so he ran off with his giant flying bison and accidentally froze the two of them in an iceberg. 100 years passed, during which the Fire Nation attacked and enslaved about half of the world and committed genocide on the Air Nomads. Aang was released from his icy cocoon by Katara, a water-bender, and Sokka, the comedic relief of the series. In about a year, he learned how to bend all four elements (air, water, earth, fire) and defeated the Fire Lord at his most powerful. Aren’t you just so happy I chose these two as the combatants? Aang, despite all this heavy stuff happening to him, faces the world with the blind optimism of a puppy. As an air nomad, Aang’s fighting style includes a lot of agile moves, quick attacks, and acrobatics. This style has gotten him through many fights with opponents bigger and stronger than he.

Pictured: How NOT to use your agility and acrobatics while fighting Andre the Giant

Aang, as avatar, knows the disciplines of all four elemental bending, meaning he can use wind, water, fire, and earth to fight (but more on that later). What is especially significant about being the avatar is that it allows Aang to activate something known as the “Avatar State,” his powers become much stronger and he can harness the powers of past avatars in this state as well. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that he can access the thoughts, council, and memories of previous avatars? Well he can. Google Help can suck it.

WEAPONS:

Ok, so now is the “later” part from, “but more on that later,” I shall start with Sora. Sora wields the Keyblade, a legendary weapon that has the power to unlock or lock the “Hearts of Worlds” or Keyholes. But physically, it is not much more than a metal club. At roughly three feet long, it is a rather small and light weapon, as evidenced on how Sora normally uses it. For anyone still wondering what a Keyblade looks like, picture a big old fashioned key and then you’ll have pictured the Keyblade. Or you could ignore that last sentence and look at the top of this post at Sora, who is holding the Keyblade. Sora, aside from being an excellent Key-weilder, is also proficient in the use of magic. This magic includes four main elements: thunder, ice, fire, and cure. It also includes some more complicated spells such as wind, gravity, time, and reflect. The first three mentioned are all used for attacking. Cure is obviously used to cure himself. Wind reduces damage while reflect does what the name implies; reflect projectiles. Gravity can bring enemies in the air earthward and time can slow and sometimes stop opponents in their tracks.

Aang’s weapon of choice is his air-glider staff. Normally it looks like a simple wooden staff, but when activated, it sprouts wings and allows Aang to hang on and glide on the wind with the help of air bending. The four elements, as mentioned earlier, are air, water, earth, and fire. Air bending is what comes most naturally to Aang and he uses it the most often. Although it isn’t a very offensive form of bending, it has its uses. It aids Aang move faster than a usual person and can blow people off their feet. Water bending requires that water be nearby. Water bending also allows Aang to control ice, one of the most powerful attacks of a water bender. Water bending is mainly used as a cutting tool and is based on the idea of using your opponents’ attack against themselves. Earth bending is perhaps the simplest. It is, essentially, throwing rocks with magic at very high speeds. It is the most powerful form of bending and requires large powerful movements in order to properly bend.

Pictured: an embarrassment and shame on your whole family

(Note: it does not take a choreographed dance to make a medium-sized rock float lazily across the road) Fire-bending is definitely the most offensive form of bending. Almost as simple as earth bending, it is essentially throwing fireballs at other people. Aang knows the more traditional Sun-warrior form but seeing as Sora doesn’t know any earth-bending forms, I think he’ll be all right.

RESULTS:

Sora:

• Keyblade
• Magic. Lots of Magic
• Different Drive Forms
• Ability to glide
• Special attacks

Aang

• Glider-Staff
• Agile and acrobatic
• All four forms of bending
• Avatar State

So here’s how I think it would go:

Sora would arrive on whatever Aang’s world is called (probably Earth) and starts poking around the Air Temple looking for the Keyhole. In his meanderings, he disrupts the harmony of the temple or he breaks something. Whatever he does, it angers a nearby meditating Aang who jumps to his feet and rushes to meet the intruder. Sora prepares to take a swing as Aang comes running like the wind at him. Sora misses. Aang turns around and air bends at Sora, knocking him off his feet. Sora gets up and fires some fire magic at Aang before jumping up and gliding toward his opponent. Aang redirects the fireball and shoots Sora out of the air. Sora lands hard and Aang comes over to check on him (it is against his nature to kill someone). Sora just looks unconscious so Aang thinks that the deed is done and sets off. Sora mumbles “curaga” and feels instantly rejuvenated. He runs towards Aang, Keyblade held aloft. Aang here’s him coming and starts running. Sora quickly casts a “stop” spell and Aang slows to a crawl Sora is able to catch up to him and land an attack before Aang can get away. The two engage in some close quarter combat and it is clear that Sora is the better fighter. Aang sees only one way out of this. He blasts Sora with some more air bending and sends him shooting across the way. Aang then uses earth-bending to trap Sora in a box of rock. Sora has one last trick up his sleeve and changes into Final Form, blasting apart the rock box. He rushes at Aang, but before he can get there, Aang’s eyes glow and he levitates off the ground. He has entered the Avatar State. He pulls elements around him like a magnet, and before Sora can stop himself he runs into this impenetrable wall of nature and is thrown backward, bruised and beaten. Aang double-checks that he’s alive, puts him in another rock-box and goes to drink some herbal tea before deciding what to do with the spiky-haired weirdo holding the giant key.

Yep. That should do it.

Welcome to Fandom Fight Force

I’m Mike Shanley of the Woodland Realm and live long and prosper!

This weak it’s a pointy-eared…pugilism?… an emotionless altercation?

Well, whatever it is, let’s BEGIN!

 BACKGROUND CHECK:

Spock is an alien who calls the planet Vulcan home. He is one of the most popular science-fiction characters of all time, originally being from Gene Roddenberry’s Star Trek. Despite being an alien, Spock is actually half human (on his mother’s side) because marriage equality has gone where no man has gone before in the future. This allows for Spock to be incredibly logical (which prevents him from getting most dates on Earth) while still retaining a better grasp of his feelings (which wouldn’t get him anywhere on Vulcan). He’s either the dryest human you’ll ever meet or the most passionate Vulcan, take your pick. Spock is the 1st Officer aboard the USS Enterprise and Chief Science Officer. He was among the top of his class in the Starfleet Academy and is a widely respected member of United Federation of Planets. As a Vulcan, Spock posesses super-human qualities, namely that of intelligence and strength. As I mentioned before, Vulcans really don’t have emotions, so that allows for them to think logically and clearly. It is general knowledge that a Vulcan is more intelligent than a human, as their brains are made up of layers.

Much like ogres. And parfait.

Vulcans are roughly three times as strong as a human. In fact, if the alien/fantasy race is NOT human, it’s generally safe to assume that they are stronger than humans, but I digress. One thing worth mentioning is that a Vulcan’s heart is normally where a human kidney is. Vulcans also have super-sweet hidden abilities: telepathy and Vulcan neck-pinch. The telepathy is not as powerful as, say, a Betazoid but Vulcans can sense strong emotions and they have the ability to “mind-meld,” a sharing of thoughts between two individuals. Neat abilities, but Spock’s most well-known and popular ability is the Vulcan neck-pinch. It is a move that renders the recipient unconscious in a matter of milliseconds by pinching the victim’s trapezius nerve clusters, or the base of the neck for those not making up science-fiction universes.

Legolas of the Woodland Realm has a dad, despite every time being introduced goes by “Legolas of the Woodland Realm” while his friends get “Aragorn, son of Arathorn,” but, y’know, whatever man, it’s no big thing. Legolas is an elf whose main roles in Lord of the Rings are to shoot arrows, not understand human emotions, shoot arrows, pull completely over-the-top stunts, shoot arrows, and be the serious one in the comedy duo that is him and Gimli. Generally, he became the mold for whatever super-intelligent, pointy-eared race of beings that humans have to interact with in fantasy or science-fiction settings. Elves are superior in most factors to humans. They can see and hear better than humans and have a general perception better than men as well. They are faster and lighter than humans, being able to move silently and without trace. The only thing that elves do not have over men is physical strength. That is something I didn’t know about elves until today. Thank you for being with me on this momentous occasion.

I don’t think this needs a caption. I can’t be a comedic genius ALL the time!

EQUIPMENT

Spock doesn’t have time for carrying bulky weaponry. He only really needs his wits.

Ok, well, maybe he’ll need a weapon. But really, that’s all he’s getting. Starfleet uniforms offer virtually nothing when it comes to protection. From anything besides gentle breezes and cuddly kittens. Spock carries with him a type-2 Phaser. This shots a concentrated beam of energy at a target. The type-2 has various settings, ranging from frappe to facebook poke. (In non-sleep-deprived that is Disintegrate to mild stun). The Phaser can also be adjusted to be a cutting tool or shoot a phaser “spread,” an attack that covers more ground but is much weaker. Besides that, he normally carries nothing else except a tricorder, but that isn’t so much a weapon as it is a gps/vitals machine/smartphone.

Legolas, on the other hand, has a whole lot more to bring to the pointy-eared party. Legolas is most famous for his skill with the bow. This bow, given to him by the Lady Galadriel, is known as the Bow of Galadhrim and is made of Mallorn tree wood and elf hair. According to the Lady Galadriel, this makes it stronger and more reliable. Regardless of whatever advertising gimmicks the elves actually use, Legolas’ bow is a force to be reckoned with. Legolas also has two long knives that he is proficient in using, should enemies come to close to deal with a bow. Legolas’ armor consists of not really much better than Spock’s to be honest. He wears a simple cloth tunic over what I assume is a leather jerkin and that seems to be as protective as he gets. I mean, if he were to even touch a helmet, it would ruin his beautiful locks.

If the elves would just chill about their hair and wear a helmet, the casualty rates would plummet.

RESULTS:

Spock:

• Stronger
• Smarter
• Telepathic
• Vulcan neck-pinch
• type-2 Phaser

Legolas:

• Faster
• Perceptive
• Heightened Senses
• Bow of Galadhrim
• Dual Long Knives

Here’s how I see the battle going down:

Spock beams down onto the planet Middle-Earth. Immediately he scans the area for signs of life. The tricorder responds positive but nothing can be heard, save the wind. He draws his phaser and moves forward. Just in time, because thwick! and arrow lands just where he was standing. He fires, set on stun, in the direction the arrow fired from. A confirmed hit as Legolas plummets from the tree he was sniping from. Spock approaches with his tricorder, “Fascinating,” he mutters to himself, surprised to see a similar reading as a Vulcan with fascinating differences. His fascination is ended abruptly when Legolas springs up and whacks Spock with his bow. Spock, just blocks the attack, having been pre-warned telepathically. The two exchange blows, Legolas landing many weaker hits while Spock lands a few powered hits. It is a rather silent and calculated fistfight. Eventually, Spock gets a hold on his opponent: right on the neck. Legolas begins to sink to his knees as Spock applies more pressure to the trapezius cluster. Suddenly, Legolas grabs an arrow from his quiver and stabs it into Spock’s side, just missing his heart. Spock releases and Legolas draws his dual knives and levels them at Spock’s neck. “Any last words?” Legolas asks. Spock looks calmly at his opponent, before pulling out his communicator, “Beam me up, Scotty” and vanishes before Legolas’ eyes.

Legolas is the victor! Spock made the mistake of getting into a close-quarter combat with Legolas, who’s just too skilled at fighting!

I had to put this somewhere

Thanks for reading!

Welcome to Fandom Fight Force!

I’m Mike “Yub Nub” Shanley and sngä’i!

This week’s mashup will be a Native Knockout: Ewoks vs Na’vi

BEGIN!

BACKGROUND CHECK:

The Ewoks. Those little teddy bears that George Lucas introduced to the world in Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi. In fact, the Rebel Alliance probably would not have succeeded had it not been for these guys. The Ewoks were mainly responsible for bringing down the 501st Legion– the Empire’s best legion– and allowing the Rebels to deactivate the Death Star II’s shield generator. Ewoks stand at 1 meter high (about 3 feet) and are roughly the same size and weight as a human child. They are strong for their small stature, as many of their weapons involve clubs and in order to build their structures, heavy lifting is required. Ewoks have a coat of fur that ranges in color from brown to black to dark brown. This allows them to blend in with their natural habitat of California’s Redwood Fore– er… the forest moon of Endor. As a side note (and I really do apologize for this): the Ewoks ruined Jedi. They did, it was doing so well… and then teddy bears massacred the Galactic Empire’s best legion. OF STORMTROOPERS. We’ve been over stormtroopers in the Han Solo mashup. They’re armor isn’t exactly paper. It’s designed to withstand most forces. Except the Force. Anyway, even if the Rebels had handed the Ewoks battle plans, how… just how… I mean they’re teddy bears! Why…? Well, at least they aren’t the worst thing that Lucas threw into his movies…

NO! NO! GET OUT! YOU’RE DEAD TO ME! Y’HEAR? DEAD!

The Na’vi. You know these guys: Smurf Pocahantas Cats? I think that sums up a Na’vi pretty accurately, don’t you? (Side note: Ok, Jar Jar Binks is staring into my soul right now… kinda freakin’ me out. And making me really mad. Sorry). Anyway, the Na’vi hail from James Cameron’s Avatar planet Pandora. Pandora would be more like the Amazon while Endor is Calfornia’s Redwood forest. The Na’vi stand at an impressive 3 meters (10 feet) high and a whopping 355 pounds (on Earth). Their tiger-striped blue skin is useful for blending in with their home turf of the blue-filtered rain forest or comic-cons. Most impressive about the Na’vi is their strange USB-braid that they use to communicate with all the animals that have USB slot-braids on Pandora. This allows them to mentally hijack everything from horses to dragons, and making a much more symbiotic and pleasant relationship than other alien-body-hijack processes.

Yeah, that’s the exact same face the dragon made!

Similar to the Ewoks, the Na’vi were a primitive tribe of Smurf Iroquois when the big bad humans came in their big bad spaceships with their big bad guns and were, essentially, at the core of all this, both large AND negative. Then the righteous, morally superior Na’vi beat the humans (somehow) and everyone lives happily ever after.

TECHNOLOGY:

As we’re dealing with primitive societies here, it’s best to look at just how far they’ve come along in the tools and technology department.

The Ewoks, as mentioned before, use simple weapons like clubs. They normally wield stone tipped spears or clubs. They have developed archery, still using stone-tipped sticks as arrows. The truly spectacular thing about Ewoks is that, engineering wise, they’re incredibly advanced. In the Battle of Endor scene from Jedi you can see some of the remarkable things these cute little guys have built in order to bring death and destruction on the 501st Legion (Empire’s best. Just sayin’). Basic hunting traps: such as nets activated by tripwires, pit traps hidden under piles of dead leaves, and tripwires. But the Ewoks actually have technology similar to ancient siege weapons as well. They constructed was is essentially a battering ram made of 10-foot long logs that swing from the treetops to crush an armored vehicle into a pancake. And that is quite realistic: the Mythbusters tested it. That is no small feat for things with small feet. The Ewoks have also developed a simpler form of flight with their hunting hang gliders. These are used to fly above the trees and drop stones on their unsuspecting prey. Lastly, and probably most deadly, is that they have developed a neurotoxin that they tip their arrows in. This toxin spreads through the victims body paralyzing everything, even their lungs. It ensures a gruesome death indeed.

You came to the wrong neighborhood

The Na’vi have gone the technological route described in the first line of the popular nursery rhyme: “sticks and stones may break my bones,” and then they left before they could hear the end. However, they are quite proficient with their stone tools, as their culture tends to revolve around everyone knowing how to hunt. Also, we cannot forget their cool ability to mind meld with any animals that have a USB port in their head. One thing, although not technological, should be mentioned that I forgot to mention earlier. The Na’vi have a skeleton structure of a similar material makeup as carbon fiber. This makes their skeleton much stronger than both a human and Ewok skeleton.

OUTCOME:

The way I see it, there are a few outcomes actually. In order to level the playing field, let’s say that a group of warriors from each of these two civilizations were dropped into your average, everyday generic Earth forest (but not a California Redwood one). Because if they were to fight on either of their home turf, the visitors would lose. So generic Earth forest, and just so that they can use all their resources, it’s stocked with Pandoran animals.

INSTANT FIGHT:

In this scenario, the two groups are dropped into the Earth forest and immediately the fight begins. The Na’vi would send a group to go find some sort of Pandoran animal to help them out while another group would go to do some reconnaissance on the Ewoks. The Ewoks would send out some of their scouts, who would have better camouflage than the Na’vi, as more of our foliage is brown than blue. The remainder of the Ewoks would begin their defenses. Unfortunately, at this point, the Na’vi have probably found horses or, worse for the Ewoks, dragons and are mounting a full-on assault on the Teddy Bear Picnic. The fight would be swift and deadly.

Exactly like this. But with more Cyan Mohicans riding dragons

SEIGE:

Ok, so say, instead of an instant fight in this arena, it’s more maybe a Hunger Games rather than Gladiator. Say that the two groups are given time to prepare for the ensuing battle instead of just rushing in to end it as quickly as possible. Given preparation, a group of Ewoks could easily defeat the Na’vi. So the Na’vi would essentially go about the same plan as before and so would the Ewoks. However, this time, the Ewoks have much more time than say the 1-2 hours it takes for the Na’vi to find and then bond with their dragons or horses. Even with a day, the Ewoks could make enough pit traps and trip wires– relatively simple constructions– to effectively reduce the Na’vi’s numbers when they eventually come riding to their attacks. Then it’s only a simple matter of using those poison arrows to bring this Blue Man Group to their untimely demise.

“Our arrows will block out the sun. And then we’ll sing cute tribal gibberish as our enemies asphyxiate”

Welcome to Fandom Fight Force!

I’m Mike “Z-Target” Shanley and let’s hunt some Orc!

This week’s mashup will be a Battle of Blades: Link vs Aragorn

BEGIN!

BACKGROUND CHECK:

Link hails from the mystical land of Hyrule. Technically speaking, in every Legend of Zelda game, Link is the reincarnation of the legendary Hero of Time. However, every game has him learning the same moves and essentially doing the same thing: save the Princess Zelda (and ergo the kingdom) from the evil clutches of Gannondorf. Link grew (grows? It’s hard dealing with all these different Links.) up as (usually) a simple farm boy. He realizes his destiny when one of his friends goes missing and someone hands him a sword.

Because old guys in caves are usually the ones you can trust with weaponry

Link is a very agile swordsman. Many of his moves involve leaping, spinning, rolling, and flipping. Sort of like the medieval equivalent of dodging, ducking, dipping, diving, and…dodging. He is able to do these acrobatic moves because he uses a one-handed sword and shield. Link, being a Hylian (and a mystical reincarnated one at that), has a limited amount of magical ability. This grants his attacks a little more oomph and the ability to cast a few spells: mainly a fireball and a magic shield. A common mechanic in the games is the Z-target ability (a revolutionary mechanic for videogames, because I know you all were wondering) that allows him to lock onto a single target and deliver accurate attacks on that target. Translating this into real life would be basically saying that Link has heightened senses beyond a normal human and especially keen eyesight.

Aragorn is a Dunedain Ranger from the northwestern area of Middle-Earth known as Arnor. He is the long-lost descendant of Iisildur, the ancient king who sliced off Sauron’s ring finger that allowed the good guys to win the war hundreds of years ago. Aragorn was raised by the Elves of Rivendell until he became of age when he went to become a Ranger. Rangers are very skilled survivalist warriors. Think Robin Hood mixed with Tonto from Lone Ranger. Aragorn is a hardy man who knows his stuff on how to survive. He also knows how to camouflage effectively and move silently. Aragorn is more than proficient at swordplay. Normally, he fights with his two-handed sword, Anduril (“Flame of the West” in Sindarin)and deals massive amounts of damage with it.

That’s right ladies, I know the name of his sword AND the name of the Elvish language. I can also recite Shakespeare in Klingon. Too far? Dang…

Aragorn can usually be found leading glorious armies of men against the evil forces of Mordor in climactic, finale-like battles. Aragorn cuts through numerous amounts of Orcs in these fights and lives through every single battle relatively unscathed. A few cuts and bruises but nothing major like a limb hacked off or anything like that. What can be gained from this? Besides from figuring out that, yes, he’s a main character it can be gleaned that Aragorn is extremely perceptive about his environment. If he can go through battles against thousands of Orcs and live through, then I’d say he was medieval Spiderman.

EQUIPMENT

Since Link’s items change from game to game, I will pick only the ones that remain constant.

Link is in possession of many an item, and when you see that he isn’t wearing a backpack, that makes it even more impressive. Link’s sword is the one and only Master Sword, a sword specifically designed for slaying evil beings. Beings whose names begin with “G” and rhyme with “Pannendorf”. Link carries a Hylian Shield, a shield that is virtually indestructible. Link wears no other armor, but his Peter Pan costume can be upgraded to withstand fire and allow him to breathe underwater, so for all intents and purposes, let’s say he’s fully loaded. Like any good blonde, pointy eared, fantasy hero, Link carries the Hero’s Bow. The Bow can fire a variety of arrows: normal, fire, ice, and light. The bow requires both hands however, so he becomes vulnerable when firing. Another long-range weapon is his boomerang

No…that’s not… that’s just not how it works (xkcd 8/17/11)

Really, it’s just a boomerang. It always returns, though, which is more than I can say about my boomerangs. Link is like a walking armory. He packs heat in the form of classic old-timey bombs. You know the ones: they look like bowling balls that someone stuck some string in. He carries a few of these to pack an extra punch. Lastly is something Link never leaves home without: the fan-favorite Hookshot. Think of it as a mechanized grappling hook. It can pull Link to somewhere or pull something towards Link, depending on the weight of the object.

Aragorn’s armory is much less impressive. Aragorn’s sword (as mentioned before) is the mighty Anduril, Flame of the West. This sword is a whopping 53 inches long (Link’s Master sword is only about a 36). This greater length gives Aragorn a good advantage over his enemies. Aragorn also carries a small hunting knife about 8 inches long. He can be very quick with this knife, having stabbed an Uruk-hai just before being beheaded, and also blocking a sword that also would have beheaded him. Aragorn normally wears a chainmail shirt that blocks all but the fiercest of attacks, shoulder plates, forearm plates, shin guards, and toughened leather pants. This allows him a nice blend of mobility and protection. His wilderness survival knowledge from Ranger-ing has taught Aragorn to always carry some athelas paste that can rapidly cure wounds and invigorate the user, like combining Neosporin with Gatorade. Ew. Whatever you don’t think of Neosporin-flavored-Gatorade. Eugh. Anyway, the last bit of equipment that Aragorn carries with him is a longbow. Although it can’t fire fire arrows, Aragorn is a crack shot with the bow, being able to shoot an Orc’s eye through a crack in the door. Why can’t that be an idiom?

RESULTS:

Link:

• Master Sword– Smaller, more mobile
• Hylian Shield– indestructable
• Assortment of gadgets– bombs, bows, boomerang, hookshot
• Acrobatic
• “Z-Target” Senses

Aragorn:

• Anduril– longer, better reach
• Armor
• Knife and bow
• Very perceptive– “medieval Spiderman”
• Stealth

I think the winner here is the Hero of Time: Link. The two are pretty matched when it comes to swordplay, so the issue comes with outwitting the other. Aragorn’s stealthy Ranger ways are nullified by Link’s Z-Targeting. Then Link would be able to bomb the guy from here to Valinor.

Then he rides into the sunset while Aragorn starts applying his Neosporin Gatorade

Thanks for reading!

Welcome to Fandom Fight Force

I’m Mike “Flame On” Shanley and where’s my super-suit?

This week it’s the Super Family Feud: The Incredibles vs The Fantastic Four

BEGIN!

Ok, well actually before we BEGIN, because this is a group vs group battle, I’ll be pitting the separate members against each other based on their powers and whichever team has the most victories wins. Okay, now that’s all out of the way… BEGIN!

Mr. Incredible vs The Thing

 Mr. Incredible is perhaps the most powerful Super in Pixar’s Superhero universe. His power is his incredible strength. This comes with all the benefits: super jump, super durability, super invulnerability, dental.

Molar-Man keeps his identity secret to protect his family from Plaqueman

Mr. Incredible works out by bench pressing freight trains and has punched one of Syndrome’s Omnidroids roughly 20 feet. However, despite being super (see above) he can still be harmed. Syndrome’s Omnidroid cuts through his super-suit and skin. He stopped an incoming train, but it still bruised him up. Whenever explosives are introduced, Mr. Incredible, like most sane people, get the heck out of there.

Benjamin Grimm, also known as The Thing, is one of the more souped-up-superheroes in the Marvel universe. Exposed to cosmic rays when he and the rest of the Fantastic Four visited space, he was mutated into the giant rock-thing we know and love today. The Thing’s entire body went through a mutagenic process that increased the toughness and density of his musculature, bone structure, internal organs, skin, and anything else I forgot to mention. His powers include basically the same thing as Mr. Incredible: super strength, super durability, super stamina, immortality, and 2 weeks vacation. The Thing has lifted oil rigs, stopped 30,000 ton multi-story buildings from falling, and held a bridge’s main cables for an extended period of time with each supporting about 10,000 tons. His skin prevents most injuries and the only thing to cut it is Wolverine’s adamantine claws.

Winner: The Thing. Statistically, The Thing is just stronger and tougher, being a rock monster and all.

Elastigirl vs Mr. Fantastic

Elastigirl’s ability is spelled out in her name. She’s elastic. She is able to reach a maximum stretch of 300 feet and a minimum thickness of 1 mm. That’s a sheet of paper as long as a football field. Imagine playing the Superbowl on that! (It wouldn’t change anything, would it? Yeah… this is why I’m not doing a sports blog.) Anyway, besides from her flexibility that would make Olympian gymnasts jealous, Elastigirl’s molecular makeup combined with her super-suit make her bulletproof as well as resistant to explosions.

pfft. That’s nothing. Try braking a toe.

 As an added bonus, Elastigirl can also shape shift (like when she turned into a boat and a parachute) and support massive loads up to 10,000 pounds, roughly the weight of a Winnebago or half a triceratops. Even though she is an expert at hand-to-hand combat, like any human, blunt force can knock her out.

Reed Richards, aka Mr. Fantastic (what is with these super heroes and picking vague adjectives as their names?) is the leader of the Fantastic Four. His powers come from the cosmic rays that shot through him when in the spaceship he designed and built. His maximum stretching distance is 1,500 feet and minimum thickness is 1 mm. He can also contain explosions by wrapping around them but it is a physically exhausting task. He, too, is bullet-proof and can ricochet the bullets in any direction.  He can support loads up to 1,000 pounds and can support more but under extreme conditions and not without hurting himself. Although he has the average strength of a fit 40-something year old, his shape-shifting ability grants him the power to increase his mass and therefore deliver blows with more pounds of force behind them, effectively making himself stronger.

Winner: It’s a tough one, going right down to the wire, but the victor is going to have to be Mr. Fantastic. His ability to become stronger is just too much.

Violet vs The Invisible Woman

Violet Parr is the oldest child of the Incredible family. She has the power to turn invisible and also project force fields. Violet, despite having just figured out how to manipulate her powers is quite adept at it. While mostly playing a defensive game, Violet also knows how to use her powers for offensive purposes. Invisibility can’t really attack anyone, but she can sneak up on people while invisible and attack. Her force fields have a few properties that could really help in  fight: they deflect bullets, can act like a wall stop larger objects, they provide protection from very large explosions, and she can contain people inside them. Projecting the force fields can drain her energy and with enough impact, they can be weakened. The fields only remain active as long as Violet is concentrating on them.

Susan Storm, or The Invisible Woman, has the exact same powers as Violet. Notice a pattern?

For those of you who said “Space,” well done. For those who said “None of the above,” just… keep reading

She can turn invisible and project force fields. However, unlike Violet, she can throw her force fields so that they imitate bullets or large large rocks. Her force fields have about the same properties as Violet’s except they are invisible. They also sap the energy from her and only remain in form as long as she can concentrate on them. One thing that Sue has working against her is her fairly uselessness in most situations. Unlike Violet, who essentially signed up to fight, Sue prefers to not get involved in the action as evidenced by many different instances from the Fantastic Four series. She panics easily and is often in need of rescuing by one of her teammates.

Winner: Again, pretty close, but Violet’s gonna have to take this one. True, Sue, has more powerful fields, but Violet is much more used to a battle. Although just thinking about an all invisible battle using only force fields isn’t the most exciting prospect in the world.

Dash vs. The Human Torch

Dashiell Robert Parr. The kid’s name is “Dashiell”. Please. Just take a moment to appreciate that.

…

Anyway, Dash has the power of super speed. That and the annoying tendency to be a cocky little kid. He’s a reference on the DC superhero The Flash. His super speed allows him to run up to 190 mph without causing him pain or the friction catching anything on fire. This grants him the ability to run on water which is probably one my favorite scenes from The Incredibles along with the one where he and Violet run around in the force field hamster ball. Aw man, 10-year old me thought that was the coolest/funniest thing in the world. Ahem. Sorry. Where was I? Yes, the super-speed also gives Dash the power of enhanced reflexes, allowing him to dodge anything flying his way. Dash’s speed affects his entire body allowing him to land dozens of blows in the space of a few seconds. Imagine a hummingbird boxing. Dash’s weakness is the fact that he is, after all, only in elementary school.

Johnny Storm, or his much cooler name The Human Torch, got his powers from– you know what? I’m gonna skip that part. His powers include being able to combust into flames at will. This grants him the power of flight, the ability to shoot flames and control the temperature of his surroundings, resistance to heat, and an almost inexhaustible supply of fire-related jokes that makes him one of the most annoying tools in the superhero world.

If only he had worn his tinfoil hat. He wouldn’t be so obnoxious.

His body temperature can reach 780 degrees Fahrenheit, his firey missiles can reach 2,800 degrees Fahrenheit, and he can raise his surroundings to 100 degrees Fahrenheit. He can reach speeds of 140 mph when flying and carry 180 pounds. The Human Torch also has the ability to release all the energy in his body in the form of a huge explosion similar to a nuclear warhead in a diameter of 900 feet. This however, essentially knocks him out, making it an ineffective weapon when fighting a super-speedy 4th grader.

Winner: Dash. First of all, the kid can outrun Johnny and any fireball he sends his way. Secondly, if Dash were to run really fast around the Torch, he would deprive the Torch of oxygen, effectively putting out his fire.

So… wait. This is a tie? Well that’s no fun. I’m not gonna take the easy way out and say “They’re all winners!” No. Because I know the tie-breaker:

Pictued: YOUR DOOM

Ok. So if you were to throw Jack-Jack into either Mr. or Mrs. Incredible’s fights he could tip the scales. The kid can transform into fire, metal, and some monster thing. He is bulletproof because of his super-suit and the metal thing. Also he has laser vision and the ability to become intangible. As an added bonus: HE’S A BABY. No one on the Fantastic Four would hurt a baby. Especially The Thing; the guy’s a big softy.

So. Like all Disney movies, Disney heroes win. Fine. Only if Jack-Jack were to join in, otherwise it’d be a tie. I’m still calling it an Incredible Victory.

Next week it’ll be two masters of swordplay: Aragorn from Lord of the Rings and Link from the Legend of Zelda

My sources aren’t in-credible:

http://disney.wikia.com/wiki/The_Incredibles

http://marvel.wikia.com/Fantastic_Four_(Earth-616)

Disney’s The Incredibles

Fantastic Four comics

http://dinosaurs.findthedata.org/q/278/779/How-much-did-the-Triceratops-dinosaur-weigh