If Not Here, Then Where?
Not to get “deep” on this RCL public passion blog, but honestly, if you can’t get deep here, then where? Anyways. I know that I suffer, and that a lot of my friends suffer, from an idea of perfectionism. If you make a mistake, it’s crushing; an A- on a test looms over you for weeks on end because you have to work extra hard to get that A, to score the highest you possibly can. For a lot of Schreyer students especially, this is a difficult issue to work through. Many of us were told we’re destined for great things, that we’re the best of the best; then, to suddenly enter college, where work becomes more difficult and you may get a A- or, god forbid, a B, it can be extremely demoralizing. Grades suddenly seem to reflect the person’s worth rather than the work.
A Rough Hour
For me, that pressure manifests in my academics, but also in a musical setting. At my French horn lesson the other week, my professor suggested to me that I needed to practice more; the etudes I’d prepared that day were not great, and of course she was respectful about it. We get daily lesson grades. She told me that my grade would probably be a C+ or B-, and that next time I should be better prepared. Again—my professor (I love her to death) said this only with the intent to make me a better player. She told me very explicitly what to fix, and how to do it.
Writing this now, I’m only cringing, but in the heat of the moment, I was devastated. I’d never been given a bad grade for anything I’d played before. In high school, I never struggled; at my auditions for college, I only ever got praise, and I got into every school I auditioned at. Even the semester before, I was given good grades during lessons because I fixed my mistakes as they came. My professor doesn’t grade for making a mistake; she grades on your ability to catch and fix those mistakes.
And for sure, don’t get me wrong, I’ve received pointers before about my playing. That doesn’t bother me at all! I’m absolutely not perfect. You need people who are better than you to teach you if you ever want to improve—I’ve improved tenfold over the past 1.5 semesters and I owe that to my teacher who fixed my poor horn-playing habits. But it’s a different kind of hurt when you’re assigned a numerical value over your playing mistakes, especially ones you’ve fixed before or know that you should be doing better on. For the rest of the lesson, I was flustered. I messed up scales that I usually know by heart and I flubbed my other pieces.
You Might Relate
Failing, especially in a context where you hold yourself to a high standard, can be devastating. The thought has crossed my mind a few times that I’ll never really be good enough to keep playing horn—that’s capital g Garbage, folks. When those thoughts arise, you just have to learn how to deal with them effectively. Everyone will fail at one point or another. It’s a part of life, and it’s how you get better. Your grade on a midterm might keep you from getting an A; you might study for hours and hours on end, losing sleep just to avoid a grade lower than a 98.
When you fail (easier said than done, trust me), know that it isn’t a reflection on your self worth, especially if you fail at something you’re passionate about, or something that is essential to your major. It’s difficult, but you just have to pick yourself up and try again, but most importantly, you have to be proud in what you do accomplish. During my lesson, I made quite a few mistakes. But my tone in my low range is improving, so I can take pride in that. I’ve worked hard to achieve that. It’s all about the little victories, and knowing that even if you fail, it will be okay.