2) I think that you argued the parts of your thesis well, but the brief struggled to make the connection between mental health and substance abuse and how to tackle the issues together.
3) I think that you could include evidence of how a similar system has worked before, or contrast about how your system would address failures in a previous system.
4) I think you need to include information addressing feasibility and objections.
5) I would include a general overview of your plan before getting into the specifics.
6) I would be interested to see some more subtitles, try to break up the piece more to keep the reader entertained.
7) Add more information connecting the two crisis.
2) I think your scope was great, I like how you were just focusing on helping Twin Valley schools and then applying that to other schools. I think that you need to develop the connection between mental health issues and substance use a bit more.
3) I would suggest specifically stating what you will suggest to the Twin Valley School at the end as well as you did in your introduction. I think that your sources are good though, they seem very credible.
4) I think that you should acknowledge the other side of your arguments like drawbacks that could strengthen your feasibility argument.
5) I definitely think you should end it with the connection back to the Twin Valley region issues like you had in the beginning, to come full circle and tie up the essay nicely.
6) I think you could utilize subtitles a bit more to break up your paragraphs.
7)Like I said, adding a paragraph where you specifically state what needs to be done concerning Twin Valley towards the end of your essay and also add more elements connecting mental health and drug use will help your essay. Great job on your draft!
2) I think that you argued the parts of your thesis well, but the brief struggled to make the connection between mental health and substance abuse and how to tackle the issues together.
3) I think that you could include evidence of how a similar system has worked before, or contrast about how your system would address failures in a previous system.
4) I think you need to include information addressing feasibility and objections.
5) I would include a general overview of your plan before getting into the specifics.
6) I would be interested to see some more subtitles, try to break up the piece more to keep the reader entertained.
7) Add more information connecting the two crisis.
2) I think your scope was great, I like how you were just focusing on helping Twin Valley schools and then applying that to other schools. I think that you need to develop the connection between mental health issues and substance use a bit more.
3) I would suggest specifically stating what you will suggest to the Twin Valley School at the end as well as you did in your introduction. I think that your sources are good though, they seem very credible.
4) I think that you should acknowledge the other side of your arguments like drawbacks that could strengthen your feasibility argument.
5) I definitely think you should end it with the connection back to the Twin Valley region issues like you had in the beginning, to come full circle and tie up the essay nicely.
6) I think you could utilize subtitles a bit more to break up your paragraphs.
7)Like I said, adding a paragraph where you specifically state what needs to be done concerning Twin Valley towards the end of your essay and also add more elements connecting mental health and drug use will help your essay. Great job on your draft!