Month: January 2019

This is Max. Max is just your typical Penn State bro, just out doing some bro stuff in this picture. Little does every know, Max is actually an expert hacker. When I say expert, I mean he’s hacked into the Pentagon before, yes the actual United States Pentagon. He looks like such a sweet kid, your average bro, that honestly nobody suspects it.

There hasn’t been a single computer or database that Max hasn’t been able to get into. Now, some take more time than others like the FBI, CIA, Pentagon, and White House. He can’t say just how he does it, because everyone knows that a magician never reveals his secrets, but it’s an amazing thing to watch happen. Nobody has ever seen anybody move their fingers over keys and focus in on one thing as much as Max does when he’s hacking.

He see’s it as more of a hobby than a career, as he’s here for more of a Pre-Med track. He saw it as just for fun until one day he got a call from a random number he’s never seen before. He never usually answers random numbers, but this time something almost forced him to. Max answered the phone with a confused, “Hello?” The man on the phone had an extremely deep voice and explained to Max he was the head of the F.B.I. and had been keeping a close eye on him throughout the years.

The man’s name was Mr. Smirnov, and he had explained to Max that he was actually extremely impressed with all he could do, and that he had never seen anyone quite as bright as him. Max was shocked, scared, and also flattered, that didn’t stop him from puking though. After Max had finished up, Mr. Smirnov told Max that if he wanted to drop out of school right now he’d have a job as a top notch hacker for the United States. As tempting as it was, Max wanted to finish out his degree, which Mr. Smirnov applauded him for. He then told Max that if he switches to computer science the government will not only guarantee him a job after his four years, but they’ll also pay for his entire four year long tuition.

This was an offer nobody in their right mind would pass up! Max, being the genius he is, accepted this offer and declared his new major, switched all of his classes, and decided to live his best life. Hopefully Max will fit in with the bro’s of the F.B.I., and maybe even turn into an agent himself! Only time will tell for Max though, I guess.

Welcome back to another Real People, Fake Stories post! This is Jake. Now, Jake is a cool kid on campus, always surrounded by people, and super likable. A reason behind this is because he is the current President of the United States. Seems fake right? Well believe it, because it’s 100% true. Jake is the youngest person to ever be elected as President, at the age of 19, but he’s also the most qualified, despite him just being in his freshman year of college.

Jake won this vote in the biggest landslide election in history. He really got the attention of the younger generation on America with his infamous catchphrase, “Sup?” You wouldn’t think this would be an important factor in his Presidency, but it was. His policies included the legalization of marijuana everywhere, lowering the drinking age to eighteen, and free college for all. I’m sure you can see why the younger generations all voted for him. Personally, I did.

He’s also recently been linked to the rapper I previously wrote about, named Lil Mill. Nobody was expecting this Penn State love affair to occur, especially not the press, and they’ve been eating this up. At every single press conference their relationship has come up, which is kind of weird seeing as he’s The President and you’d expect them to ask harder hitting questions. Lil Mill may soon become The First Lady, though!

Jake tries to be a normal kid for classes by day, and President by night, now that doesn’t always mean it works perfectly or even in his favor at all. He’s had to leave and go to other countries tons of times, resulting in him skipping class, which is detrimental to his education. Luckily for him, there is an entire team of people set up to go to his classes for him, help him with homework, and even tutors for subjects he struggles in, which aren’t many. Usually, Presidents go for the law degree, but Jake is actually a Pre-Ped major here at Penn State.

Now, Jake may seen spoiled, but he tries extremely hard to balance all of his time and fulfill his education. He loves going to school, surprisingly, and he loves Penn State. He has been quoted on saying that his best memories are from here. The entire Penn State community wants him to remain President for as long as they live. As he’s said many times before, “You can’t hate on at the Philly kid who’s just out here boolin’!” Although, the country is kind of upset over how he pronounces the word “water” but, I guess you have to let some things slide for the President.

President Jake is ready to take on the entire world, and does. He’s moving legislation to let a president serve more than two terms, and it’s seemingly going to pass, so we may be seeing him more than we thought. You can tell he loves his girlfriend, his job, and his school. Having so many passions at such a young age, and being so goal oriented, while also holding the weight of the entire country on your shoulders is no easy task, yet he handles it gracefully. President Jake will continue “boolin'” and “flexin'” on other countries for many years to come.