“I Like to Say I’m Happy.” The title tells you everything you need to know about this short poem. It is an expression of all the unexplainable sadness that crops up. It is about the self doubt, the anxiety, the little dark thoughts that worm their way through everything. This blog post will be a little different then most of my post in that it is only in part about the poem. Although I wrote this with a structure in mind, it probably took the least amount of time of any poem I have written. “I like to Say I’m Happy” was completed in around ten minutes, while I waited for my chemistry class to begin. Normally I rewrite and edit every poem, but this is not just a poem for me. It is a kind of confession. It is an admittance of my own shortcomings. As a poet ( particularly a spoken word poet), it is expected that I would share my personal feelings and insights, but if you read the earlier post to this blog you will see that I hid behind fictitious stories and a prayer I grew up with. This poem is my first step out into the light. It is me saying that sometimes things are not perfect.
Before I dig to deeply into the personal side I wanted to cover the symmetric layout of the poem.
I like to say I’m happy
I live a good life
I smile when people say hello
I like to say I’m happy
Because I’m afraid of what they’ll say if I don’t
I like to say I’m happy even though I don’t know if I am
I like to say I’m happy
because I’m not sure why I’m not
I like to say I’m happy
I live trying to forget
I try to ignore the voices that say I’m not
The poem follows a three line, two line, one line, two line, three line layout that is reflected over the central statement. That along with the repeated title phrase is supposed to build an almost circular poem. It begins and ends with the voices of other people, although the ending voices are internal as compared to external in the start. This change in external to internal is another point of symmetry with the top half being focused on the external force of other people, while the bottom revolves around the inner struggles that seek to tear us down.
Now that I have explained my structure, it’s time to do the hard part. Anybody who has known me for awhile knows that I do not particularly like expressing emotions. I try to hide any feelings behind morbid jokes and my focus on academics. Unfortunately you can only bottle things up so much, especially when you are dealing with a host of self inflicted stress. People often use being a perfectionist as a way to brag, while also seeking pity for having a weakness, but real perfectionism is so much more than a cliche answer to an interview question. Perfectionism is seeing every wrong answer on a test as a fatal flaw in who you are as a person. It is not accepting anything less than a hundred percent, because you thought everyone would make fun of you otherwise. That was me. Most of my schooling was completed under this fear that I wouldn’t be good enough. I lived in a world where you were either the best or you pretended to not care about that topic. Even after I became an Eagle Scout, National Honor Society President, and was in line to become Valedictorian, I still wasn’t good enough. I hated that I couldn’t meet my own standards which meant I hated myself. Imagine being too afraid to admit something was wrong with you because that would mean you weren’t perfect, that was the twisted world I lived in, and still live in at times. I still struggle at times, but through high school and now in college I have learned some strategies to fight back the doubt. I met people who showed me ways to balance things. I connected with my best friend who taught me that it is okay to talk about it. My poetry is my release. My poetry is me admitting I am not perfect and that is okay.
Before I get into anything else, I would just like to express how admiring it is to bear your soul on here for people like me, who you don’t really know, to read and to connect with. I think it’s incredibly brave and strong.
As for the poem, I liked how simple it was. I feel like sometimes poetry can get really complex and complicated, as it should be sometimes, but I really appreciated that you used short phrases that were so so easy to relate to. To be honest, I don’t even know what to write because i’m still stunned from your honesty! I don’t know where this pressure to be perfect and to be “enough” comes from for all of us. It would be so easy to be a kid or a student or a human if there wasn’t some ridiculous expectation of who you are suppose to be. I mean its absurd, where or when did someone decide how you or me or anyone is suppose to act or what measure of worth is good enough? Okay, now i’m getting carried away. I loved your poem, and I really loved the insight into your life. Thank you for sharing it.
I really enjoyed this poem, Collin. I firmly believe that there is absolute perfection in simplicity, and it can be found in your poem as well. I love how you were able to convey insecurity and confusion in both your voice as you recited your poem and in the poem itself. But, most importantly, I LOVE how relatable your poem is. I feel like society has banned us from expressing any emotion other than happiness. We are told to keep smiling even when times are hard, and while that is a beautiful sentiment, I think that there is power in a frown; there is power in a tear. We are told to be happy so much that the feeling and the word is losing its value. People are increasingly losing the ability to understand the magnitude of true happiness, myself included. Great job!(:
First, thank you for being so honest. Not many people would be that brave to be honest with friends, but you are sharing with near strangers. Second, this poem is so accurate. Many times when people ask “How are you?” we automatically respond with “Fine” or “Good;” we ask and respond out of politeness instead of true concern. Society tells us that it is not okay to not be okay. If you are not happy or successful, then something is wrong with you. We lie to ourselves so that we fit it, even though others might be doing the exact same thing. Like we were talking about in class the other day, Western society is focused on competition where there is one winner and everyone else is a loser. I feel like this idea can bleed over into more than just sports, like what you were talking about with getting good grades. You’re poem is so simple (in a good way), but it makes the reader think so much. Really great job!