Month: December 2019

This is the last passion blog of the semester, and I have successfully turned this platform into my semi-public diary, which wasn’t exactly my initial vision, but I think that’s what I wanted deep inside. Aaannnddd it flows perfectly into a recap of the semester, which was suggested to us anyways. This semester in general, but particularly this class, have pushed me beyond my limits in a good way, and I feel I’ve grown because of it.

I don’t think I’ll ever completely overcome my fear of public speaking, but I gave two speeches, and improved from the first to the last. In fact, the second one I went entirely off-script, which is TERRIFYING to me as as a die-hard planner, yet I still managed to stay coherent and get my points across, which is a huge step for me.

The papers, especially the second one, challenged me as a writer in a way I’m not used to. Not to brag, but writing is kinda my thing, and even I was struggling to choose a topic and research thoroughly enough to fill eight pages. And don’t even get me started on the video project. I stared at that screen longer than any person should and I refuse to think about it again until this weekend when we polish it up.

But beyond the logistics and the assignments, I met people who I can truly say have become my friends. I think I owe it to whoever reads this to explain what I’ve been alluding to ominously every few blogs about; the events of last year (promise it comes full circle). The truth is, I should be a sophomore in college right now, and I theoretically shouldn’t even be attending PSU, although I grew up here. Let me explain:

I graduated high school in May 2018, and was all set to attend The University of Pittsburgh in the fall of that same year (that’s right, one of our main rival schools. I was a rebel, ok?). However, for a few years prior to graduation, my stress and anxiety had been building up steadily (let’s face it, eleventh grade did us all in). To make a long story short, I was in a horrible place mentally to make a gigantic life change, move away from home, and take on the world. A few months into being there, I felt myself becoming more and more isolated, and less and less motivated, and one night I called up my mom crying telling her I couldn’t do it anymore. I almost wanted her to tell me to suck it up, maybe she would let me vent and carry on, but of course, her motherly instincts kicked in, and she said she’d be there the next day to pick me up and take me home.

The perfectionist in me was absolutely shattered. Every step of the way, the drive home, the aftermath, the what ifs and the what am I gonna do nows overwhelmed me. I couldn’t help feeling like a failure, even though I knew my situation was quite common. I decided I must be weak if I was the one who decided to give up so early, and I retreated into a period of isolation and depression for weeks, crying regularly and feeling hopeless. It seems absolutely ridiculous, looking back now, seeing how far I’ve come, but I was that nervous wreck and I was at the lowest point I’d been at for perhaps my entire life thus far. It was brutal.

I hesitate sharing this story with anyone new who comes into my life, because I don’t want it to define me. It’s much easier to say “I’m Veronica, I’m a freshman, nice to meet you.” I am no longer ashamed of this story, and I no longer think of myself as weak or lesser because of it. I’m also much less afraid, and much less unsure of myself than I was before. It’s not so much about how much adversity you can avoid, it’s more about how much adversity you can overcome. I wish I had known that before, and been much more gentle with myself. My friends from high school and my family saw me at my worst for those few months, but they never stopped supporting me. And look at me now 🙂

I think it’s safe to say Penn State is my new home. It’s always been a small part of my life, living here and appreciating how passionate the alumni and students are about their school. I never really understood their unwavering devotion to it, their faces painted in blue and white, but I think I’m starting to. I’d like to thank the entire class and Professor Taheri for contributing in part to my success this semester. I’ve already made it farther than I did the first go round, and I feel like I might just be up for four years (or 6, but we’ll get to that when we get to that). And as always, I’d like to thank whoever’s reading this 🙂 you’re one of my favorites (not to be biased or anything).

Thank you, Rhetoric and Civic Life I. See ya in Rhetoric and Civic Life II. I’ll miss you all just a little I think.

Flashback to a week ago, I was lounging on the couch or in bed under a layer of fuzzy blankets, with cozy socks on, remaining in my pjs on days I didn’t have anything planned. There were cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies, filling meals, family, friends, and copious doses of soothing warm tea. Although this time of relaxation is over and I’m back to running around like a chicken with my head cut off, I’d like to take the time to recap a few of my favorite moments from this whirlwind of a week.

Firstly, of course, I’d like to recap my Thanksgiving day. My family is lucky enough to live close to my grandparents, as we have all been State College natives well before I was born. Unfortunately, my mom was battling a bad cold at the time, so she and my step-dad opted out of my grandma’s famous Thanksgiving meal. However, my two younger brothers and I were determined to get our fill. Right before we ate, we went around the table to say what we were thankful for. I said I was thankful for friends and family, but in addition, I was simply thankful to feel more secure in my position in life than I had in the past. My family, who had been there for me the year before around this same time knew I had come a long way emotionally, and that was a blessing in of itself. And my grandma’s stuffing, of course. THAT was a blessing.

The day after Thanksgiving was Black Friday, so I seized the opportunity to ask my grandma (who loves shopping as much as I do) to go with me. She took it as an opportunity to learn what I may want for Christmas. This was another tradition we have carried out for many years, ever since I was old enough to prefer clothes for Christmas and have my own sense of style. The trip was a success, but what really struck me was the conversation we had afterwards over Thanksgiving leftovers back at my grandparent’s house.

My grandparents have always been the most opinionated on religion and politics in my family, which makes sense, because they’re the oldest and theoretically the wisest, and they have time to ponder these matters in depth. The generations of our family show the evolution of more progressive ideologies well. Although I identify as more conservative economically, socially, I am essentially entirely liberal (except for a few minor things). My grandparents are almost entirely conservative, although they do believe all people should be treated with respect, regardless of beliefs. We are all rooted in Christian ideologies as well, I grew up in Catholic schools, and have a deep respect for the beauty of the religion if not an entire agreement with what it stands for.

I was attempting to explain to my grandparents how the youth in society views conservatives and liberals. For the most part, the people I’ve come across view conservatives as close-minded and unaccepting of all people as equals, and liberals as the inclusive ones. Therefore, they opt for the liberal stance most times because they want to support all people. It doesn’t matter to them so much what the foreign policies are, what the economic policies are, or anything beyond the social stigma that conservatives are supposedly racist, homophobic, and overall staunchly traditional, and this juxtaposes the progressive mindsets of the youth today. Unless conservative leaders begin to show their respect (if not support) for minority groups, those who feel excluded from traditional narratives will never feel comfortable voting conservative, and society as a whole will never be on a mutual level of respect in order to discuss important issues.

Of course, my grandmother is as stubborn as I am, and argued that the conservative image to others doesn’t matter much to her, even going so far as to say Donald Trump’s ridiculously inappropriate comments about women or his vulgar language in general doesn’t bother her. What’s most important to her is honesty. I agreed, but I interjected that I expect a president to have a certain level of professionalism as the leader of our country, which demands a certain amount of respect and common human decency. This may seem like it could’ve been a heated discussion, but we were really just talking, listening to each other fully before speaking, and this is why I have so much respect for my grandparents, even though they aren’t always on the same wavelength as I am. I left the car after being dropped off at home feeling refreshed and invigorated knowing my opinion was heard.

On a lighter note, the final experience I’d like to touch upon was getting our Christmas tree. We’re the type of family that begins thinking about Christmas the moment after Thanksgiving concludes. In fact, our house was almost entirely decorated beforehand. We spent about an hour and a half prancing through rows of trees before we settled on one, which was particularly indecisive even for us. The tree we ended up with was a few inches too tall for our living room ceiling, even with such careful measuring, so the star looks a little wonky on top, but if you look at the picture, I’d say we did a pretty good job working around that, and it turned out beautiful.

I woke up on Monday feeling a bit sad to leave the comforts of home, but unlike before, I knew I could push through. I’m already getting a bit sentimental in preparation for another month of relaxation, friends and family, but more importantly, I’m thankful for whoever took the time to read this (I know it was long). Happy holidays and I hope you had a great break too 🙂