Admittedly, this past week or so has not been the most exciting; there’s not much new to report on other than schoolwork ramping up and exams being underway. I’ve taken two out of the three this week, I have one more tomorrow. Trying to remain motivated and optimistic.

My friend group from last semester that I mentioned briefly in past blogs has been reduced to only myself and one other girl, and we’ve been grabbing dinner every so often- sometimes with her brother who also goes to PSU. We’re planning on possibly getting an apartment together junior year if I happen to somehow have enough money, lol. I also have a new friend from Psych class and I’m slowly trying to assimilate into their friend group as well, but it’s always awkward trying to connect with people who already know each other well. Fingers crosssseddd.

On top of this, my family is also experiencing a bit of a dry patch mixed with everyday struggles. My brother Tyler, who is in the midst of eleventh grade’s horrendous workload, is having a bit of a stomach flare up relating to his relatively new Crohn’s Disease diagnosis. Crohn’s disease is basically inflammation of the digestive tract, that can be related to diet and lifestyle, but often continues regardless of treatment or adjustment in these areas. He’s on medication for it, but the condition is chronic and can’t be cured, only managed.

Small things like this often cause friction to develop in other pre-existing family dynamics we have going on, and I’ll spare you the details, but I will say that my family is chock full of stubborn, opinionated, and passionate people. I’ll let you do the math.

Personally, I am still in a state of mind-fog. It’s nowhere near as debilitating as it can get, but it’s still looming, kind of like the clouds do in State College during this time of year. Even if the temperature is warmer than usual and there’s rain instead of snow, unless the clouds lift, the full warmth of the sun will never appear. Hopefully that analogy makes sense.

Being such an idealistic person, who works so hard to see the best in everything and put out the best I can in return, mental states like this and blogs like this, with seemingly no direction, leave me deeply unsatisfied. I’m still learning to let my emotions ebb and flow, and pass by naturally as opposed to mulling over them and at times, creating more internal conflict. This poem that I wrote today before Statistics class today explains a little bit of what it’s like:

I stare fear in the face

I’ve done it, I’ll do it again

Pray that this time, unlike others

It doesn’t mess with my head

I confront the void of my mind

Tell my thoughts to rearrange

Let them emerge, but not take hold

Allow them to disengage

The path was never straight

My expectations far too high

I build up a bar to reach

That’s miles in the sky

I can’t view life like a dream

Everything at my fingertips

But I can’t let go of my vision

Or there is nothing left

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Thanks so much for reading this entry, and for attempting to sift through my aimless thoughts once again (: I’m almost hoping for life to hit me in the face with something and wake me up, but I’m not sure if I should tempt fate like that. Either way, you’ll be the first to hear about it if it happens! Until next time (: see ya soon